new life

[skyfish]

So as a nearly (detail removed by Moderator) year old women emerging from a (detail removed by Moderator) yr marriage which I only escaped from (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago!!! I thought maybe it would be a good idea to reach out for support from other women who’ve been through similar experiences rather than burdening my long suffering family friends and daughter at my lowest times.
I am not a person who readily posts online and the internet to me can be a vacuous pointless way to spend your time but here I am hoping to gain some insight and benefit from the shared wisdom of survivors who have been drawn here.

I do want to say the support from the police and the domestic violence unit have astounded me and made this rapid transition so much easier to cope with. I have never really lived by myself – I left home at (detail removed by Moderator) to move in with a (detail removed by Moderator) yr old man who cheated on me (detail removed by Moderator) times, didnt work and financially drained me – that was before i met my husband!

I moved in with him within (detail removed by Moderator) months at around (detail removed by Moderator), married and we then had our only child, all within (detail removed by Moderator) years. At this stage in my life I finally have the strength I always should have had to be self sufficient and to try and really understand why I made so many bad choices and decisions. My biggest regret is my daughter is so deeply affected by the trauma of her childhood, which I have only really understood over the last (detail removed by Moderator) yrs and thid realisation combined with lockdown made me understand the past from a different prosepctive

Her father has mental and physical health issues so I always made excuses for him in my head. I wanted to see the good in him and thought I could support him/fix him I guess? I got him referred for anger management, counselling, repeatedly took him to the GP over the years but I think due to my own low self esteem, confused his dependence on me and jealousy as love because I have no sense of self worth or what love should be. I always wanted to be the best mum and invested all the love I had in our relationship but I can see now just how disfunctional my actions were. My deepest regret is I didnt leave him when she was young and I fear so much for her future and mental health as she has disclosed many things to me that intensify my guilt and regret to a point thats been hard to deal with. She has complex PTSD which is my fault but does have a career and lives with her lovely long term gfriend and partner,some distance away from here but not too far to be able to visit when lockdown is over

We never completely lost touch and she and I are tying to work through it and I am determined to work on myself so she has a mother she can respect and trust again, Guess thats enough for now but just wanted to explain where I am and who I am a little for anyone who reads this x lots of work to do but my new life becons and trying not to be scared at every noise etc while I seek sole tenancy of our flat and work through all this trauma! I am scared he will pursue me as he is so obsessive but bail conditions are keeping me safe (detail removed by Moderator). Every day a challenge but this is the best decision I have ever made I know that x

[Darcy]

Good morning my beautiful angel … Skyfish
Well done for posting and arriving here… you will get lots of support from the beautiful angels on this forum
Personally from me reading your post you have quite an awareness of what has happened in your life and the areas you need to work on, which is a great start.
Well done for getting out… it is never to late to start the life you truly deserve
As you hinted at I would so strongly recommend that now you focus on you… once you have you in place all the other aspects of your life will take the right path, including your relationship with your daughter.
Its time now to forgive yourself.
From all of my posts you’ll see I bang on about self love, self worth and self respect, but it is because I know with out any of these things you cannot put in boundaries and create the life you want with the people and right energies in it you deserve.
Understanding your abuser is a great thing, but isn’t it better to now understand yourself and use your energy this way instead.
It is a journey and there will be bumps in the road, but just feel into them … cry, shout, laugh … whatever it is … ‘you can’t heal, unless you feel’
Stay connected through your journey… like I say you will get some great support and advice here and a knowing that you are not alone.
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[skyfish]

I’ve been thinking about your comments about how you cant heal unless you feel’ Is it common not to feel anything really after so many years of burying conflicting emotions? I am guessing it must be

[Nellie]

Hello! I find myself in a similar place, not out but aware and planning to go. I never thought it was abuse either.
I agree with Darcy and start thinking about you and all the things you want. If you want an improved relationship with your daughter it will happen.
Building trust again is slow but the more small ‘deposits’ of trust you can make the better. I read a good piece by Beene Brown on trust in relationships and it made sense.
I am astounded at the number of people here who have had a similar experience- I was reading one person’s experience and it was a carbon copy of mine which is when I realised it was abuse!! This is my fist post and I wish you every success and all the good fortune you need

[Hawthorn]

Hi @skyfish and @Nellie and welcome to the forum😊

@skyfish please try not to berate yourself about your daughter’s PTSD, you did your best to protect her in a dreadful situation where you were suffering trauma and abuse. Your abusive husband is the one to blame here, not you. You did your best with the tools you had available at the time. I would guess that acknowledging your role in your daughters distress has been very validating for her and helpful in her recovery, but try to let go of the shame and blame for your natural reactions to being abused. It is the fault of your abuser, and his shame. You dont have to carry it for him anymore.

If you haven’t already please reach out to your local womens aid. They will help to support you and talk through your different options, they wont make you do anything. The freedom programme is running online in lots of places and is really worthwhile. If either of you was up for reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is very insightful and available to read for free online.

Keep reaching out here too, we are here for you.xx

[skyfish]

Thank you so much for your responses – I know the key to change and growth is to concentrate on me and to acknowledge that the abuser is to blame where my daughter is concerned but its so difficult to shake the guilt! Luckily yes our recent conversations have seemed to really help her mental health but its going to take both of us a long time to heal from the past

[Darcy]

Its a journey my darling, one step at a time is all you need to do
Be kind to yourself
You WILL get there
D xx

[skyfish]

thank you x

[Eggshells]

Hi Skyfish. I know exactly where you are coming from. The CPTSD is not your fault. At the time, you did what you thought was best and if you didn’t really understand the abuse then how could you have understood the impact it was having on your daughter or on yourself? It is normal to have regrets about not getting out sooner but you are out now and I suspect that your daughter will be happy to have her Mum back. Take time to rebuild your relationship. Having a shared experience may bring you closer. Look out for yourself too. It’s early days yet but you may, at some point, start to experience symptoms of PTSD too. If that happens you will need to getcsome help. xx

[skyfish]

i sense she is yes – she seems much more positive which gives me hope she can recover and not be haunted by past but she is an intense person and will rage at me again at some point im sure! thats ok though i can take it. Any communication is better than the distance ive felt between us these past few years

[Watersprite]

Hello sky fish and Nellie.
Nellie it sounds like the fog has lifted you have seen his behaviour for what it is and your intention is to leave. Reach out for support so you can do so safely leaving is the most dangerous time. But your life awaits you – it’s painful to acknowledge we’ve been abused but the first and most important step x

Sky fish I can relate to so much x You have been SO brave. Emotions will come when you are ready mine have been difficult to manage the guilt and shame and self blame but they pass and I have also been helped by a lot of support. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. You sound like a lovely and loving mum – now you are both free your relationship can begin to repair. It will all take time and in time your daughter will begin to understand you also have been a victim of abuse and you did your absolute best. With him no longer sabotaging things there is an opportunity for you both to invent a new relationship together. She needs you to just be there be available and loving. I’m further down the line I can’t say much as high risk and too identifying but I can say I’ve witnessed my families recovery – there is hope. Keep reaching out to services for support x

[skyfish]

thank you watersprite x your words are so appreciated and yes in time both of us will be so much stronger for my actions i am sure. Not feeling too brave this morning as stuff to face which i knew was coming but yes!! I am aware you need to avoid being too specific so wont say anymore, needless to say this morning i am grateful for the support x

[Bonnie]

I feel exactly in the same situation. My husband is extremley abusive to me, nice during the week as in his words he has to be as he has to go to work, whatever that means!but come Saturday evening it starts, i’m called every name under the sun, everything is my fault, he threatens to top himself, says the most hurtful things and seems to get pleasure when he makes me cry,we have tears then next day or so where he says it will change, he’s a failure, i’m better off without him, he promises it will get better, it never does. Tells me everything is my fault, says he has depression but refuses to get help. I told him i want to seperate and him to move out but he never does anything about it. I feel trapped in this unhappy, unloving marriage and can see no way of resolving it, i dont want to be with him and just want out of the situation, i’m (detail removed by Moderator) years old and dont want the rest of my life to be this

[skyfish]

you need to reach a point where you understand like i did that you are not responsible for his happiness anymore – no amount of counselling therapy or prescribed antidepressants all instiged by me had any affect in the end

i heard a great quote on a radio show at 3am I want to share, weirdly my first night alone when i randomly tuned into radio5 as i couldnt sleep – they said they wanted anyone experiencing abuse to remember the 3 C’s:-

You didnt – Cause it
You can’t – Cure it
And you cant – Change it
It was like a message from above

[octave]

Bonnie- it is so hard to make a decision to leave, when your loved one flip flops back and forth good to bad. You don’t want to give up the good things. I was in love with my husband, but he treated me so shabbily. I hope you have some better days ahead. If you know the weekend is coming and it won’t be good, plan some things without him. Go see a friend, join a gym, take some classes in a sport or something you will enjoy, find a spiritual community.I noticed that my ex tended to become mean when we were alone- so if you have to spend time with him, maybe do it in a group setting. Wishing you the best. You don’t deserv eto be abused.

[vivet]

Hi @skyfish

I escaped an abusive marriage after many years and only then because of an extreme event. If it hadn’t happened I would still be justifying to myself reasons to stay and thinking that I could fix him. I did this even after our daughter attempted suicide in her younger years.

This is only my opinion from my experience:
– You are not alone, there are organisations that can support you emotionally.
– You will go through many different emotions.
– You may blame yourself. It is not your fault. He is the abuser. You are the survivor.
– Your husband caused your daughter’s CPTSD with his abusive behaviour, NOT you.
– You would never fix your husband.

Thinking of you

[skyfish]

thank you – sorry for delay in reply and i appreciate your kind words

[skyfish]

Been a while since I came here as I’ve found the past few weeks empowering and support from members at the time of the initial crisis so supportive I was doing ok…learning yoga, eating better, reading Beverly Engel’s amazing book Beyond Abuse that I would really recommend to others who need to understand both their behaviour and the impact of abuse

(Detail removed by moderator) and my dear friend passing away from cancer (detail removed by moderator) found myself coming back to read about other’s strength and struggles x I need to dig deep to get through this next stage and get his stuff out somehow but have a feeling this will be the hardest bit!

Love to all the woman going through the same x we all deserve better and need to be determined and strong to create a healthier life for ourselves and the people that love us

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Skyfish,
It sounds like you have been loving and investing in yourself, which is great … keep this going
I am sadden to hear about your friend and send you my love, remember though she will always walk with. Call on her for strength when you can’t find it yourself. Her soul is now free from pain and strong again
Sending continued love and support
Darcy xx

[skyfish]

thank you Darcy x

[Author]

Posts