New married – Anger

[Musicalmad]

Hi everyone. Just joined today. I got married very recently but I have moved out and I am living at my parents house. I could see his anger was getting worse before we got married but made excuses for it as he is suffering. His Dad had been in a terrible car crash and is now in a vegetive state in a home. Hes recently been told he is dying. Leading up to the wedding was perfect and I really thought he had squashed his demons so my wedding was fantastic. He got very angry a few weeks later and we had a huge argument where I got a bruise on my arm somehow and he threw my car keys at me. I ducked and the smashed against the wall. I left for my parents but then we ‘made up’ and I moved back home. He was then perfect until I made a joke about a small tiff we had in the pub amongst friends. His anger started small but the snow balled into a very scary night. He threw a chair he threw a bowl of noodles that he was eating at me. Then told me to (detail removed by Moderator). I tried ringing people to come and get me but no one answered and I had too much to drink to drive myself. I went to bed. The next morning he immediated started again as soon as we woke up. He smashed the bedroom mirror and a machine we have that takes moisture out of the air. He was so intimidating and suddenly looked bigger than I had ever thought before. Since then I have told him that Im not moving back until he accepts help. Councelling and anger management. Ihe is very changeable and at times has said he is so sorrycand ashamed and I feel so sorry for him then other times wants me to apologise for insulting him at the pub. At the moment he is angry at me because I didnt spend new years with him. I have never felt so low before. I cant believe we have only just got married and this has happened. His Dad will probably die this year as well and I cant just leave him to deal with it alone. Sorry this message is so long! Thanks for listening x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi MM, welcome to the forum, you’re in a great place here!

Sorry to hear things are not working out. There are many ladies on here that have similar tales to yours that he changed quickly after they’d got married.

It’s great that you can see his behaviour for the abuse that it is and great that you are at your parents house.

Unfortunately, even if he were to get some sort of anger management I think most here would agree that he’s highly unlikely to change.

They all go through the bit where they’re really nice to you after they’ve been awful – it’s the hoovering stage – sucking you back in. They tap into your emotions and you end up feeling guilty for something they have done!

Personally I found reading “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft a real lifesaver. xx

[Musicalmad]

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I was worried that the anger management might not help. I just can’t seem to accept that it’s over already. I love him and we had everything we needed for a fantastic life. Beautiful house, both have good careers, we both want children. The years leading up to getting married were so wonderful. Everything changed when his Dad had a crash. Do I just give up on it? I started to think he’s going through a mental breakdown?

[KIP.]

Hi, please contact your local women’s aid. They can explain things a lot better. You married an abuser. He chooses to behave the way he does and there will always be an excuse not the leave him if you look for one. It’s not anger management when he only behaves like that to you. Would he throw a chair at his boss, or his mother. No. It’s targeted at you to keep control. I’m sorry to say he has shown you his true colours. Please believe him. Abuse always gets worse. Get out now before you invest any more time, emotions and never have a child with this man. That will be his trump card when it comes to controlling you. Keep posting. Better to have a broken marriage than a violent one X

[Lilminx]

Hi I was in a similar situation some years ago too, I met and married a guy within a few months , I had noticed a few concerns before marrying him but as he’d told me a few of his previous partners weren’t very nice to him and they lied and stole from him I was eager to prove I wasn’t like his exes and put his odd moments down to insecurity.. big mistake , the marriage made him think I was now his, and he got worse , threatening my son and a few short weeks into the marriage I left , and can now look back and see that he hadn’t changed he was the same before I married him , I just choose not to see it as I thought I loved him , I hear from others that he’s still attention seeking and still blaming me for the bad things that happens in his life and it’s been a few years since I’ve seen him … men like him will never change , it’s the control they crave and will be nice to reel you in , it’s one big merry go round

[Racoon]

I don’t recal ever hearing of an abusive man changing. He may behave for extended periods of time in order to “win you back” but the behaviour will soon return and you will always live in fear of its return.

I like many others returned to my abusive marriage after a few months away cause I believed things would be different. I played a good act but that lasted for just over a week and his abusive behaviour returned he also became more controlling making it very difficult for me to safely escape again with my child.

It’s great that you are able to see that his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable and that you joined this forum for support. Many of us have been in very similar positions and can provide lots of advice, guidance and support in whatever stage of your journey.

Please remember there is no excuse for abuse. The terribly stressful situation with his father does not excuse his behaviour.

As a general rule abusive relationships only get worse. My concern is that if you return his behaviour will become increasingly violent as punishment for leaving him and causing him more stress at such a difficult time. He is already showing indications of his anger towards you.

I understand it’s very difficult but dont cave in to the added pressure of the unfortunate events with his father. Stay safely where you are and read Lundy Bancroft book. “Why does he do that!” It will put things into perspective.

Please please don’t have children with this abusive angry man.

[Musicalmad]

Thank you all so much for replying and being so understanding. It is definitely helping. I didnt know if it was abuse as day to day we have a really great relationship and he seems to care for me a lot. I thought I might be being oversensitive as everyone tells me the first year of marriage is the hardest. Most of my friends are telling me to work at it. I always wanted to be married for life. Again thank you so much for the support. I have bought the book you have recommended and I’m ringing the helpline tonight x

[Recovery]

Hi
I’m in similar situation, newly married and ignored the signs when we were dating. I knew something was off with him but couldn’t put my finger on it then. Bombarded with love and affection blinded me. You need to sit down and think if there were signs before wedding. There is no excuse for him to behave like that. Mine is verbal and emotional abuse. Name calling, swearing , creating arguments out of blue and blaming me for all, blaming his exes, family for failures., shouting etc. you can’t discuss anything with him or have opinion. These are some signs. I always thought his messy childhood is the reason and he will get through it but reality is he was getting worse. Finally I moved out on the (detail removed by Moderator) of our marriage. Still feeling guilty and sad and embarrassed. My work doesn’t know anything about it. How can I tell them I’m getting divorce when I only got married. Counselling helps to get you through these thoughts. Check through your work as private insurances cover these if you have one. Or get support else where. It’s abuse. It’s Not easy to be treated like that, when you read some books about abuse you realize they don’t change, it’s pattern sadly. Good luck and all the best. You are not alone

[Recovery]

And they are very good at being nice, loving one minute and complete opposite in next. It’s confusion game. Don’t let it fool you. Mine is now telling me I’m the greatest love of his life and will do anything to get me back after all insults and threats and abuse. I find it hard to believe. How can it be love. Would you hurt him the way he hurts you? Ask yourself that. Healthy relationships are based on care, respect, true love. Respect is the key. They have none!

[Musicalmad]

Thank you for your support. I have just been reading somone elses post where a woman is in a very similar situation to me and she said her husband has not cried sibce she left. That was a lightbulb moment as I didnt even think about the fact that mine hasnt either! Just getting my head around the fact that he in fact does not love me is so strange.

[Musicalmad]

I have a question also. I am reading ‘why does he do that’ and he didnt show even one of the early warning signs of being an abuser forthe first (detail removed by Moderator). Also he claims to still have an anger issue not an abusive one because he often gets annoyed at inanimate objects and trashes his own things not just mine. Sometimes when I get scared of hisanger he says ‘Im not directing it towards you, I am angry at something else’ do you think he has developed ptsd and anger issues after his Dads crash? His behaviour change happened a couple of months after his crash.
Thanks

[Ayanna]

I am glad you pulled the plug so early.
You are amazing!

Do not go back to him. He is an abuser and always will be.
Get divorced and never marry again.
It is easier to leave a useless man when you are not married and if you find another one you do not know how he will change over the years.

Do not feel sorry for him.
He does not feel sorry for you.

It is sad that his father finds such a tragic end.
But you have parents too. Do you think he will support you if anything happens with your parents? No, he will not.

You are a good and empathic person.
His thinking, feeling and reasoning is very different from yours.
He will turn you into an empty shell.

Stay away from him and create a happy life for yourself!

Keep posting!

[Author]

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