New me

[gold for a king]

I left my ex partner some time ago and I have made a nice new life for myself. New job working from home, new business, new home in a new part of the country, new friends and a new relationship. I’m really enjoying my independence and particularly my own money and doing all those things that I want to do without worrying all the time about someone else.

I left due to domestic abuse with included verbal, physical, and financial abuse. I was never scared when he threatened to kill me only just a sense of calm which is why I thought he was doing it, to calm me down.

While leaving him I had a lot to sort out with out much time while he was doing everything he could to stop me going. I found a way out so I could make a new start without debt but I didn’t have the time to deal with anything on an emotional level. I just felt extremely happy that I had left and that was all. I’ve never looked back.

After noticing some strange clumsiness I later spoke to a mental health nurse who told me that when you can’t deal with things then it’s normal to box up all your problems and put them in storage. It made sense at the time and the clumsiness went away. I think I’m unboxing things now and processing the short term memories into long term memories so hopefully I can move on and my emotions will go back to mormal.

People say how impressed they are with how much I’ve done for myself since and that I must be a very strong person but really I now feel like I have paper thin skin. I get nervous for no real reason quite a lot and I drink far too much. I struggle with a new relationship even though he is really sweet, kind, understanding and patient with me. In my heart I feel like he will turn on me if I upset him in anyway even though I know he is nothing like my ex. I’ve started struggling to eat and sleep properly.

Looking forward, I’m concentrating on these things;
1. Make more friends
2. Be more relaxed in my new relationship
3. Stop drinking heavy
3. Deal with my feelings and emotions
4. Make new rules so people treat me the way I want to be treated.

Any advice would be appreciated, many thanks.

[KIP.]

Have you ever received councelling? I and many survivors suffer Post Traumatic Strees Disorder. This can happen minutes, hours months or even years afterwards. Perhaps speak to your GP for some good therapy from someone suitably experienced in domestic violence and abuse x sounds like normal reaction to abuse and very similar to what I experienced. Took me years to even think about another relationship. I now know I was far too vulnerable and nowhere near healed or ready x

[dustypink]

gold for a king
You ARE strong because you did this all.
I would advice to stop drinking at all. You cannot limit it, just stop. This will help you to take control over your life and what is more interesting – you will become less nervous. It is common that people think alcohol helps to relax. No, you need to relax because alcohol makes you more stressful ) I’ve stopped 9 months ago and feel much better now. I started to take control over my life since that. I just didn’t want another thing to control me (after my husband), but alcohol is controlling you in the same way actually.
Another thing which helped and is helping – I go to gym. I never thought this will be the best place for me to relax and to forget about everything. And this feeling that I am becoming better and stronger… May be you may try this?

I wrote somewhere already 6 rules , which could help to be happier

1. “Do only what you want”. You often inferior in the result of doing unloved and unnecessary thing? It’s never too late to change the minus into plus and to do what you love and what you dream about. It seems that it is almost impossible. But when you feel like behind grow wings, the difficulties seem insurmountable.

2. “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do”. You probably noticed the pressure of public opinion, which continually tells you what to do with work, family, children, themselves. Even more pressure can be in the family and the team. Remember: your life is yours alone. You gave her is not in debt. What to spend, only you decide.

3. “Just to say that I don’t.” To accumulate negative emotions is not worth it. Everywhere. Where there are people, the team, the relationship may be discontent. The ability to build boundaries, to insist on and not endure a single minute of bad attitude will come in handy at any time.

4. “Not to answer when one does not ask.” You hear about problems and tasks, and not enough time to figure out how your lips say “let me do it.” How much time that should be spend on yourself, you spend on the junk you other people’s business? It is time to bring audit!

5. “To answer the question.” A conversation on the merits – a serious conversation. Whatever gave you the alarm if it exists, is to deal with it, not talking.

6. “Figuring out the relationship, talking only about yourself.” Relationship is a very important part of our lives. Much easier to keep them without discussing and criticizing the other person, if he didn’t ask for. But at the same time not to allow such relations to itself.

[gold for a king]

Hi KIP, I did once have counselling for a mental health issue I had a long time ago before I met my ex. All he did was listen to me describe my problems and then hold a box of tissues in front of me and stared at me sternly for a long time until I cried. I work from home during business hours which is enough excuse not to go out to see the doctor or a councellor. Probably talking or typing your thoughts amounts to the same thing do you think?

I have a phone meeting booked tomorrow to talk to someone from a victim support group about a case of sexual harrassent I recently reported, nothing to do with my ex but that has probably sparked it. I think it’s mostly old memories rather than post traumatic stress.

The mental health nurse I spoke to when I first registered for a new doctor runs a self-help group for victims of domestic violence but they mostly talk about rape. Luckily I didn’t let it get that far so it’s probably not the best place for me. She said that’s the only thing you can get on the NHS for this sort of thing these days. Shocking really.

I do worry with the new relationship that I’m fooling myself and that in reality I’m not ready and that I’m using him. He does a lot to support me and help me. Probably a new relationship in itself is causing me stress so I’m in a catch 22. I don’t want to keep running away from people either. We’ve been together (detail removed by Moderator) months but it’s like the closer you get to someone the harder it is. I think the way forward in relationships is just don’t move in together. I have my home, my job and my money and he had his home, his job and his money.

[KIP.]

Hi there. I had dreadful councelling from the NHS. Like you describe it was awful. However I found a private specialist Clinical Psycologist who was tremendous. I can’t recommend specialist councelling enough. My old memories were PTSD. Memories I had suppressed that needed opened and dealt with. The early morning frights were just awful. Waking up around 5am. I used to call them five o’clock frights. Smells and ringtones were triggers for me for a long time. Do not underestimate the effects of domestic abuse. It sounds dreadful what you suffered. Now it’s still affecting parts of your life I strongly recommend proper councelling x maybe start with a chat with your GP.

[gold for a king]

Thanks Summerday, great advice. I was going to the gym up until recently and that really helped with the drinking. As long as I made sure I ate as soon as I got home from the gym because if there was any alcohol in the house then my body would seriously crave the calories from it. I don’t drink heavily when I’m with other people just when at home on my own and consumed with my own thoughts. You are right it controls you, you have so much more time when you don’t drink. I will try to make an effort to get back into this routine again.

I like your rules. Be assertive and tell people clearly what you like and what you disslike. Understand where your boundries are and be clear to others where they lie.

[Anewbreath]

Hi gold for a king
I think you are a strong woman. Your story is inspirational. You were strong enough to get out of an abusive relationship and you were strong enough to rebuild your life.
Sometimes though we don’t realize just how much the abuse has affected us…and it can affect our future.. I agree with Kip. A good counsellor can help. Sometimes it takes a while to find a counsellor you click with. But I think its definitely worth it so hopefully you continue to search for one until you find one you think is good for you. Have you considered online counselling? Face to face counselling sessions i believe are the best but there are also some good counsellors who work online and there are sites where you can find one of them. Perhaps you may want to look into that as an option as well?

[gold for a king]

Thanks KIP and Anewbreath. I have looked at the counselling directory, very interesting what can be offered to private patients. I thought it was a lot more expensive. I know that if you want advice from a lawyer it starts from £200 per hour so I presumed it would be in the same ballpark. Counselling is within budget and I’m really starting think it could help lift me back into high spirits.

[Confused123]

hey hun

not sure if you have posted b4 as have not read your story but can hear people praising u , so yes first well done for your progress, i think leaving any sort of abusive partner takes strength. As for saying u didn’t deal with the emotional side of things , i can sort of relate cause i sort of did similar, new was in severed danger, left somehow but was so focused on moving on and rebuilding my life i put a block on the emotions whilst testing myself if thats the right word. I have been out now more than 2 years, for the first tow years it was about establishing and setting myself up again i suppose, i did take counselling up after left ex, that made me realize and confirm i was abused to high levels even though i knew i just couldnt accept or as stupid as it sounds recognise. i just had in my head his beating me up but no bruise appear so who will beleive me , so must just be me in my head and i beleived him that no one would listen tome or just accepted i wouldn’t be believed as that was easier to deal with even though sounds ridiculous now.

I think i have been so focused on getting through divorce and not breaking that i partly processeed how much i wanted too, I got to stage it was easier to think of abuse and what happened then close it shut when emotions got too real as again that was too painful so i said got out thats all matter, take a deep brreath your still alive. i actually found myself repeating this daily if not every time the though came in my head. As i see it as negative thoughts i try to stop the thoughts but then i think why willi just not sit downa nd cry cause it was so wrong what happened but just feels too late . Now my divorce is finally over i find now and again the abuse trriggers in my head, i want to cry for what i wen tthorugh but cant as keep stopping myself, so if anything even though we have moved on by escaping i think we do need to deal with the emotional side, how im not quite sure how either , maybe counselling would be the best way i think, all i know is we have to deal with it to be totally free. well doen on entering another relationship, i havent actually found some one myself yet as said want divorce to be clear b4 i start b4 end up with wrong person. I do chat to guys , have tried dating agencie and am aware of boundaries and red flags now, again this is something i am working through, re- dsicovering myself and trusting men.

Hope ,my post helped and didnt confuse u

[gold for a king]

Hi Confused123, I’ve not got round to putting my story on yet but I will do when I can. I didn’t deal with things emotionally because I zone out whenever I have too much on my mind. It makes me more focused and able to get things done but it can lead to problems in the long run. I suppose everyone copes in different ways.

I tried the on-line dating early on when I wasn’t really ready for any dating but I found it quite useful anyway. Just filling out my profile section made me understand that all the years stuck in a bad relationship meant that I hadn’t properly developed my likes and dislikes or my interests and hobbies. Everything was always about him and his friends and what he wanted to do. Suddenly when he was no longer in my life there was lots to do in developing myself as a person. I think only when you have done that you can enter into a new relationship with something real to offer someone else instead of just the used up you from the last relationship.

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