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Hi
Im new here and very confused. I’ve been married for a long time and have (detail removed by Moderator) children.
i sometimes just think I’m going crazy but now do wonder if it’s abuse. I suppose there has been signs from very early days. He would never discuss anything still doesn’t. If I said something that annoys him he would just walk away, slam doors, throw something, and expect me just to forget about it and act normal after. So now I just never feel I can voice my opinion in case he gets annoyed.
he doesn’t like me going out with friends. Always makes comments about people I get on with or is negative about my family. If we are out together with people he just wants to be centre of attention and wants everyone to listen him to the point it gets embarrassing. If I do go out on my own he’ll not look after the kids properly and basically leave them to their own devices till I get home. Not to the point they are in shy danger as they are older. But I mean like making sure they’ve had a proper tea, bath and bedtime. My (detail removed by Moderator) has ASN so bedtime is challenging.
He’ll do nothing at home ahd I mean nothing! Goes to work comes home sits on sofa watching videos all evening ahd goes to bed!
when I know he’s due home I’ll make sure tv isn’t on (as he doesn’t like it) and I make sure house is tidy. If I don’t he just comments I only work part time and what have I done since I got home!
he doesn’t want me to wear make up and tries to tell me what clothes to wear. I ignore this.
sex is a huge issue. When I don’t want to he just pesters me. It’s constant comments. To the point I usually just give in for a quiet life. This seems to have changed recently as I woke up him having taken my trousers off and was having sex with me. Since then I absolutely dread sex but don’t feel I can say no.
He can be in a good mood for months! Then it starts with mood swings, no talking, grumpy. I feel like I walk on egg shells at these times and constantly trying to manage things so he stays in a good mood not knowing when to expect him next to be in a bad mood.
hes never been violent so that’s why I question if it is abuse, or if it’s just being married
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Hi, what you have described is classic abuse… taking your trousers off and having sex with you without your consent is rape. I am so sorry you are experiencing this… he is trying to control you with different tactics, there doesn’t have to be physical violence to be in an abusive relationship.
Why Does He Do This by Lundy Bancroft is a good book to start with, also, living with the Dominater by Pat Craven.
Keep posting, it is a lot to accept. I was married for over (detail removed by Moderator) decades, been out a few years now…it took me years to actually leave.
Hugs HFF ❤️
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Hey I’m sorry to what is going on. Abuse doesn’t always have to be physical. Sex without consent, limiting you from meeting frds and family, not taking care your kids properly as the “punishment” of you going out, slam door when you voice out things…these are certainly mental abuse and it’s normal that you feel wrong. For now seems the only way to make things peaceful is that you absolutely obey him, and that’s what he wants. If you don’t, he makes your life difficult by various methods, which means he’s trying to control you and make you do what he wants (since everyone wants to have a peaceful life and we may do it for kids’ sake).
Read more intonations about abuse through social media or internet may help, since they tell you what abuse is and how you can cope with it. Survivors also share on various social media and forum, such as the forum we’re using now, and you’ll know more about abuse and also you will find yourself less alone since we all share some common feelings in the abuse we face.
Welcome to the forum, and keep posting, I hope you’ll find your own way soon.
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Thank you for your reply. That makes so much sense. I’ve always wondered why he’s so useless with the kids! And he’s actually succeeded as I avoid going out as much as I can!
I always if he’s doing it on purpose. I can’t believe someone I’ve been with for so long can be that awful. I just really don’t understand it at all.
I’ll def keep reading and posting I think it’s the only way I’ll get my head around any of this
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That sounds awful, I’m so sorry. This absolutely is abuse, coercion and it seems like he has n**********c traits.
I have recently come into the light about my own husband (sexual coercion here too amongst other abuse) and now I’ve realised it (even though I’m still experiencing cognitive dissonance and denial) I am gobsmacked by how much of it I’ve allowed all these years, because like you say there are periods he’s in a good mood and everything is fine, I move on and forget about the difficulties or just pass them off as unfortunate things you deal with in marriage. My understanding of abuse was that it was much more in your face, or loud, or violent, and so it never clicked for me. Until now – something clicked.
For years my body has been telling me something wasn’t right and now here we are.
Please keep posting and know this forum is amazingly supportive.We’ve got you.
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Hey so sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time . I was shocked by how similar your situation is to mine . The not being allowed to go out without consequences , my partner is exactly the same- on the odd occasion I have gone out to socialise with friends he will not keep up with the usual routines with the kids and leave them to their own devices – the same as you they aren’t in any danger but it seems so unfair . Hes also made the kids wonder where I am when I’ve been out so they’ve ended up ringing me asking what im doing and I have had to reassure them I’m fine and will be back soon , instead of him just telling them that himself , at this stage I end up not enjoying myself and coming home early . It’s little things but they all add up . He too dislikes all my family and friends and always has to say negative things about them . I do everything around the house he doesn’t lift a finger and thinks it’s fine because he works a few more hours than myself (despite the fact that those extra hours I have off work are spent running around after the kids and cleaning etc it’s not exactly a relaxing break !) . like yourself it’s taken me a long time to realise this is abuse , I don’t get hurt physically either and some days can be absolutely fine but it’s always a case of if I don’t comply with what he says/wants I will be punished . The silent treatment . Sulking . Ruining special occasions .. I think normal healthy relationships aren’t like this . There’s no compromise with these types of people , it’s their way or the highway . Relationships should have proper communication, trust and respect.. I hope you find coming on here chatting to others useful , just knowing there are people who understand is a start and there’s so much information out there these days about this type of behaviour, books a few have already suggested , lots of ladies on instagram etc who have come out the other end of controlling relationships sharing stories . Knowledge is power as they say .
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