New partner accused me of been abusive ?

[I.dont.know.]

My new partner phoned me up drunk today and accused me of been abusive , he said I say things like go to the shop and get me some chocolate or go make me a cup of tea which granted I do say things like that but never in a demanding way just a jokey playful manner, I say things like that to my small children ( which I’m obviously joking) that’s just my personality my real one I’ve always been that way with people my friends etc and they know I’m not been serious!
We have both been in abusive relationships and I don’t know if that makes it harder to be “normal”
I’ve come to bed but I can not sleep and can’t stop crying as im now doubting everything in my life! Am I an abuser was it me in my previous relationship who did the abusing and I just made the whole thing up in my head! Am I abusive towards my kids do I even deserve to be their mother would they be better off without me.

If I am an abuser I don’t want to be on this planet anymore I don’t want to be intentionally hurting others I feel sick at the thought. Maybe this world would just be better off without my existence anyways.

All I want to do is crawl under a rock and never see or speak to anyone again that way there’s no way I can hurt anyone. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,
There’s no indication that you are an abuser at all. Making a joke asking for a cup of tea is not abusive. Joking in itself isn’t abuse including a joke about asking the children to get chocolate. I think your new partner has been cruel and insensitive saying this to you. Maybe get yourself a hot drink and put on some calming music so you can get some rest and not let him ruin your sleep.

It’s worrying that your partner is ringing you up drunk accusing you. Is he a good partner apart from this or do you feel he might be abusive? It’s very cruel of him to accuse you of hurting him and your children. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. If you feel comfortable you cpuld tell us more about his behaviour ie is this a one off or does he do this kind of thing a lot.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I.dont.know, hello and welcome to the forum. I think if you’re questioning yourself and feeling so upset that you might be an abusive person you’re actually answering your question for you.. adding fir a chip of tea is totally different to demanding one. I get , is the kettle broke, or tea,now. Usually, make me a cup of tea, followed by if it’s not to much bother, said so sarcastically. Don’t waste your tears on him. It sounds as if he’s starting the cycle of abuse. Was he really abused or do you have evidence he was. Hey could be mirroring what happened to you, to get you into the relationship. Be safe, and trust your
Instincts.
My OH is starting to accuse me(during arguements) of acting like his ex, and abusing him.
Keep posting
IWMB 💕💕

[Flowerchild]

Hmm, I think the fact he said this while drunk is key here. If you tackle him, he’ll probably have forgotten saying it, or claim he’s forgotten.

Asking for – or even demanding – tea or chocolate is not abusive unless there are bad consequences to refusing the request. If he ignores you or says no, do you scream vile things at him? Attack him physically? Threaten his life? Sulk for hours? Belittle him or his family? Rake up every mistake he ever made and rub his nose in them? No?

I’m guessing you’d go without or make your own cuppa. And if he complied, I’m guessing you’d thank him with a smile and tell him he’s wonderful. You’re no abuser, darling.

Life is tough and we’ve all collapsed on a sofa exclaiming, “Someone had better bring me wine/coffe/chocolate right now or else!” We aren’t abusers. It’s all about the tone and the consequences.

Bottom line, if he isn’t scared when you do it, it’s not abuse.

Why not ask him when he’s sober and relaxed what he meant and explain that as a survivor it’s a particularly painful thing to hear? If he carries on, you have your red flag that he’s intentionally hurting you. I hope he isn’t!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

And darling? Remember that up to 40% of men who claim to have been abused were actually the abuser themselves. It’s called projecting. Keep it in mind with this one. If he’s a nasty drunk, you might be better off apart.

Flower x

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks all for the replies to nice to know it’s not actually a realistic claim, I have felt so hurt that someone who is supposed to care for me would make such a hurtful and damaging claim 😭😭

I am treating this as a red flag and also the fact he says he was abused in a previous relationship I am going to be extremely careful I will try to up most best to not be a victim for the 2nd time round. I am so scared of this that I am seriously considering ending it before it’s too late. I do have a lot of feelings for him but last night really has hurt me so much!!

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi I.dont.know, I remember your other posts because we have been at similar stages. I hope you don’t mind me being direct. Yes we have been strong but it is early days and we are still vulnerable. Big red flags … please get rid of this man immediately! Read back your old posts. You are brave and strong and did the right thing to protect you and your children from abuse. Dont let this new man drag you down. He might try and charm his way back in but you saw his true nasty nature. The drinking makes it even more toxic. He really upset you and made you doubt yourself. Get out !!
Maybe focus on making a peaceful loving home where you and your kids can heal, with only good people around you. Also try and do lots of lovely and nice things for yourself. You deserve it ! I found the online Freedom program was great at explaining it all and the red flags you can see in the first few weeks. I was amazed as I do remember noticing my ex but didn’t realise how serious it was back then. I am also having trauma counselling which is helping me a lot.
Take care
Apricot poppy x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello I don’t know,
Think Apricot poppy has something insightful to offer (hope this comes across in the way it is meant) – that is – these things go in stages. And you are bravely working through this and recognising it as a red flag.

For me, where I am right now – I am working on what I would like to happen, which is hard.

What I would like to happen, and where I would like to be is to be people who spontaneously offer me a cup of tea (or to go to the shop for chocolate)…because they feel it would help, and out of the kindness of their hearts…

My teenager even sometimes does this (even though they are pretty self-centred at the age they are at).

So you might like to think about reframing this whole thing…

No, you are not abusive. Yes, you are probably often stressed as a mum with a lot of repsonsiblity and like me, perhaps your voice sometimes grates – when you are overwhelmed and could do with some help and cooperative, supportive people around you. But that is not the same as being abusive hon. Absolutely not. Just means that you could do with more cooperative people around you.

And that’s tough, because they are not always around and a lot, a lot we have had to do on our own.

You do not need someone to argue with you about whether it is okay for you to need a cup of tea, or chocolate etc and certainly you don’t need someone to accuse you of being abusive.

It is a hard thing, which I have not yet learned completely but I am working on…but if there is nonone else to nurture you, you can nuture yourself. I do believe for the likes of us who are so used to be self-critical, that this is more difficult potentially than many people realise.

Also, in my experience it is a standard deflection tactic that the (man) who is being abusive will accuse the other person of being abusive, and possibly also use set-up scenarios to make the other person stressed so they don’t react well under the stress and they can then accuse them of being abusive, sometimes in front of other people. Someone puts you in an impossible position emotionally or does not support you, and you are going to be stressed.

all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

sorry that sentence should have read what I would like…is to BE with people who spontaneiously help etc…

[Iwantmeback]

Hello apricotpoppy, i agree with the other ladies who’ve replied also. I read recently, that we are not a half person waiting for a soul mate to make us whole. We are a whole person looking to lean on someone, someone who’s there to listen to us, comfort us as we do them. Yes its lovely having that other someone, but because we’ve been taught to look after others, put their needs before ours, it’s hard not to see ourselves as the selfish ones, ‘thinking only of oneself’ as my OH says.
As ftc says,its textbook deflection.
Take care, and listen to your instincts, don’t give him another chance, cos he’ll always push and push them.
I had a friend years ago, she fell out with a boy because of the way he blew his nose! A bit extreme, but moral is, raise your standards.❣
IWMB 💕💕

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you for all the replies I’ve been so scared to respond as I didn’t want to believe that his behaviour should be abusive but the more I have read the replies over and over again the more I’ve come to realise that I have managed to get involved with another abuser 😭😭

After he called me abusive, he has now decided it’s because he’s depressed and mentally drained ( which he may be ) but it just seems a coincidence that it’s after he said what he said!!

I agreed to take my kids to see santa with their dad ( my ex abusive partner) which seems stupid I know but that’s what my kids wanted and I would move hell and earth for them.

But as you can probably imagine this didn’t go down well with him, he told me I have no brain cells, threw things around the house , told me he has mug written on his forehead and I had no regards for his feelings. I did want to keep it a secret from him and just go without him knowing as I was petrified of his reaction I was literally shaking when I told him via txt and felt extremely sick.

But the thing is I feel trapped again as he moved in I didn’t really want him too but I was too scared to say no and I don’t know how the hell I can get him out as if I ask him to leave he has no where to go and has already said if he ever looses me he will kill himself as he has nothing to live for!!

[maddog]

I think that’s alarm bells all round! Can you get some support from Women’s Aid, or perhaps the police? Tell your gp about what’s going on at home and if your children are school age, let the school know about it too.

Excuses like booze and depression are just that. You weren’t the cause of his misery. You can’t have been. You weren’t there. It’s really not your problem where he goes to live.

I’m sorry this is probably not helpful when you feel trapped in the middle of it. Women’s Aid will listen to you and they won’t tell you what to do. They can really help with untying the strings that bind you and help you find the most appropriate help for your family and situation.

Please keep posting. It took me years to see my ex’s abuse for what it was. When I was being told again and again that he was sexually assaulting me and raping me, I put my head in the sand.

I googled passive aggression and found loads of information on youtube about (detail removed by moderator)

You have been really brave by posting here and realising that something is wrong. Baby steps.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello again idontknow, my partner recently tried to say he was feeling suicidal, i was making him feel that way. I said he should go see his doctor or speak to Samaritans, to which he replied i was the only one that could stop him feeling that way, i had to change😏 as to having nowhere to go, i doubt that very much, but because you’re feeling responsible for him, and he knows it, he’s using this as a stick to beat you with. You can do this, again good luck and be safe.
IWMB 💕💕

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you so much to all you ladies who commented on this post thanks to you all I realised I had managed to get myself into let another abusive relationship.

I sat down and thought about all the red flags and wondered how I had been so blind!

But thanks to the advice from you all I worked up the strength to tell his man to get out of my life!

I have no doubt he will probably turn up on my door step in the near future but I will just ring the police because quite frankly I will not take anymore we only get one life and I’m not letting anyone rule it for me.

I encourage anyone else in the same position to do the same , find the strength and the power you all deserve it. We are all are our person and no one should ever tell us to change or make us feel like we need to to please them.

[BakingQueen]

So proud of you I.dont.know!!

I knew you had it in you. Keep pushing forward even when things get tough, they’ll get better in the end.

X*x

[Apricotpoppy]

Thats great news , well done ! Xx

[Tiffany]

So glad. What a wonderful Christmas present to yourself too!

[Iwantmeback]

🤗🙂 this is great news, well done. Now you can have some peace in your life.

IWMB 💕💕

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