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Hey hey, I’m new.
I don’t have much time to share atm. He’s not been working, is at home all the time and he wants to watch (detail removed by Moderator) in a few minutes, which of course I’m going to do to keep things ticking over like ‘usual’.
I will more properly introduce myself soon even though I’ve been reading and then commenting on one post.
We will chat soon.
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Thanks. I’ve been able to turn things so that I largely get the rest of today to myself.
I’m also great at writing novellas about the things I’ve been facing in supporting our family for over a decade. So I am trying to be brief.
I always caught on that there was some element of coercive control, but at first it also meant… He’s taking charge and looking after me. As long as he felt like he was in charge, he’s good to go. Meanwhile, I already had an ‘interesting’ upbringing and dealt with challenges that I was neither prepared for, nor supported for. I learned a lot from those experiences and I was glad for his refuge, because I thought I had found shelter and could get a break. It’s not fully worked out that way.
I am resilient. I am adaptable. I am loyal. Sometimes those core principles get stripped away over time. I thought it was manageable and maybe it still is… but the seams are creaking now (again), so much so, now I’m here talking to ya’ll.
I can’t let go of the thought that I’ve had to employ some coercive control too, to protect me and to protect our kids; to put down boundaries and get some of my own power back. I’m keenly aware of what coercive control is from my own childhood and have already spent many years in therapy around it. I can’t let go of the thought that he is being a monster, and then I have had to be the monster too, while wearing golden handcuffs both for myself and for our kids. In a way, it’s like playing chess. I hate it.
He’s not had a great upbringing either.
Funny thing about joining this forum. I got egg in my face too. It’s not all him. But also, I think I reacted to what was in play. Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I don’t believe he meant to do me harm. I do honestly believe his intentions were to pull me out of a lot of that, lift me and be that refuge. But it’s morphed into something entirely different. I respect him in a lot of ways and I even thank him too. However, I can’t excuse his behavior towards me when I’ve done everything above and beyond too.
I’m looking at leaving him, not for the first time. But I need to do it slowly, quietly, deliberately with wisdom and intention. I need to protect my kids first and continue to provide them with continuity. I can’t see the way through that if the house is split up. I’ve lived over a decade without a mortgage and I don’t relish starting over again later in life when I’ve put so much into that investment.
There have been health issues that exasperated the sense of control. First was my own when our son was born, (detail removed by Moderator). None of us dealt well with that. Next was our daughter who was diagnosed with childhood (detail removed by Moderator). Don’t worry, she’s okay and still back-chatting me daily now, many years post-treatment. Then his health issues came into play, along with his parents on the backdrop of COVID. We lost his (detail removed by Moderator) in that mix. His (detail removed by Moderator) was already disabled before he was born.
I start going into our story and then start second guessing myself… is it the stress of our situation causing the problem? Or is it that it is exasperated because it was already there? Well there’s still situations where he’s acted poorly, likely exasperated by situations and perhaps under duress as well. But then there are also situations where I’ve had to keep secrets to keep him safe. He has neglected me a great deal. There have been times when I haven’t felt safe that were extended over weeks and months.
Nope. I am here looking after myself and our kids.
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