New relationship anxiety

[Squiggly Lines]

Good evening all.

As I lay here in bed staring up at the ceiling, thoughts of how things have turned out are on my mind. Please let me know your opinions. I’d love to hear them.

I believe in patterns. I believe in self growth. I believe in responsibility and accountability.

I was with my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) years. We started off great. It was beautiful. We were happy. Then over the years things changed.

I can’t even pinpoint when. The more I gave, the less I got. The more I pleaded the less I was heard. In every story it was my fault, I was the vilian. But in my mind I recalled it differently.

I was labelled the problem from an early age and even though I analyse myself daily, to this day I feel a deep sense of uncertainty about who I really am. I try not to point fingers outwards, and try to look at my contribution instead and work on myself. Was I repeating something? Did I even do the things I was accused of? Who do I trust?

I hoped that family could be of help, but we lived in isolation from our wider family so they don’t really know me and grew up in a cult like religious order which I’ve now left. And even my immediate family say I’m the problem. Apparently I’m delusional and their lives are better off without me. I’ve considered getting a me talk health assessment, because maybe I am exactly who I’ve been told I am it just can’t see it.

I’ve met someone new, and even though I felt loving, I avoided being in a relationship because I felt safer alone. Now we are closing in on the (detail removed by Moderator) mark, and I have an overwhelming urge to break it off. Not because I feel any danger from my new relationship, but because I’m afraid that any moment, I might turn into a monster without knowing. I’m afraid of myself.

I’ve been very guarded with my new partner, but we have spoken about where I’m coming from and where I am at. I cautiously divulged the mistakes I’ve made and stupid things I’ve done. I feel like I’m ready to bolt at any moment. Everything feels so different to my previous relationship. We talk and discuss and we have never argued – we disagree, we talk, we compromise, we move on. I’ve never been put down or accused of being anything negative, but maybe their rose tinted glasses are still on.

How can I really know for sure who I am? How do I know if the things I’m really as bad as I’ve been told? Was the abuse I have encountered was real or was I the perpetrator? Is my new partner safe around me?

Everyday I have a weight on my chest. I’ve all but cut myself off from the world. I live in near isolation and second guess every conversation and action I make.

Any ideas on how to move forward from this please?

[Confused123]

hey hun

Have u tried cousnelling, i find it helps process the abuse and what happened to us and how we think about ourselves. I true also believe about growing and am self motivated, i think a lot of time we are learnign to rediscover yourself, place boundaries in place to keep ourselves safe. I think its normal to question the abuse we experienced, it has took a lot of refelcting on what happened to me to process it .

Suppose moving forward is all about healing, its good u have found someone and u can notice the difference in the relationship, its natural to be on guard , i think i would be the same too, i dont know if he knows about your past, i always think its beter to keep away from them, but i know in time some people let their partner know, i just prefer to say we didnt get on and sometimes mention he used to be toxicated

[KIP.]

Councelling. I’ve been at the stage you are at and you’re nowhere near healed from the abuse. However you are on the right path. You’re recognising the signs of confusion that stems from the abusive relationship. I had to find a fantastic private councillor. A clinical psychologist. She took my thought process apart and put it back together. It was a painful journey but it’s what was needed. I tried to isolate my self, avoid triggering situations but it won’t allow you to move on. Your partner sounds understanding and perhaps he would attend couples councelling with you. To really know who you are you need to get help to find the real you again. I was so used to trying to predict the next terrifying outburst from my ex that long after he was arrested I was still in this high alert stage. Even when talking to the police I was very conscious of their body language. How heavy their foot steps were. It will take a long time to get through this. How do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time! Hang in there x

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