New to here…

[Complicated]

Hi, just hoping to get some support from people who’ve been in a similar situation.

I’ve realised (with a little help from a friend) that for a number of years I’ve been in an abusive relationship. I’m now seeing a lot of the traits that go along with n**********c abuse in the experiences I’ve been through. The only thing missing (that made me feel like it was just a normal relationship going through ups and downs) was physical violence, he never hit me.

I’ve managed to get out and am staying with my friend, but I’m having some trouble with my now ex. He’s being extremely emotional, I understand the situation is upsetting (I feel broken over it too!) but the continuous texts and calls with him crying down the phone to me (and friends who’ve started getting in contact too) are getting hard to deal with. I’ve been trying to avoid answering the phone but he still has my cat and many of my possessions there so I feel I have to answer at least some of the time. Multiple times he’s contacted me saying there’s an emergency only for it to disappear shortly after we’ve spoken on the phone once he’s been able to talk to me, and vent and cry… over and over again I’ve asked him to only contact me if it’s genuinely necessary, I’m more than happy to be civil and kind to him but this is getting really difficult for me now.

Just wondering if this is common in abusers/this kind of situation? And if anyone has any ideas of how to handle this?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome

Sadly this is typical abuser behaviour… you are completely right in saying that of course you will both be upset, any relationship breakdown is upsetting, difference being a healthy partner would feel their hurt.and move on.

I would suggest no more phone calls. Can you get a family relative to collect your cat, you could give a day/time and either ask a trusted family member to go and collect or a trusted friend.
Him contacting your friends is him trying to manipulate again, poor him… please ask your friends not to discuss you with your ex and if comfortable explain it is due to your ex’s behaviour.

He will play the victim, he will blame you, he may promise to change… Trust your gut as this is when they ramp up their abuse…

You being civil and kind will make no difference as he will not be civil or kind. He is pushing for what he wants. Do not trust a word he says. Once you can break free from your abuser and have zero contact you will start to move on. You sound strong 💪 keep that belief, you got out ❤️ keep posting

[Complicated]

Thank you so much for replying!

Unfortunately I’m very limited on who I can call on for help handling this due to the isolation that’s gradually crept in. I have no family I can trust, my circle of friends is very limited (partially due to me being quite introverted and partly due to the situation). Thankfully my friend has been helping so far, but it’s quite a challenge as all those I trust live quite a long way away from home. I’ve spoken to a few people about what’s been going on and why I’m not there anymore but I didn’t want to cause him any lasting damage personally or professionally, so I’ve been trying not to say too much.

He’s been ramping up the begging/pleading/feeling sorry for himself thing a lot since I left. It’s incredibly tough to see the person that’s been so nasty at times become so… heartbroken? He’s been so cold towards me and yet now he’s being like this – thankfully having been away for a few weeks means I’m more able to see it as probably just more manipulation. He’s said he’s changed already and I just can’t see it because I’m not there and if I just gave him one more chance I’d see…

I keep on having those moments of self doubt and guilt but I’m trying to stay strong and know I left for good reasons.

Thank you again for your kind words ❤️

[Author]

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