New to the forum

[br0kengirl]

I am new to the forum. I recently got out/half got out of a very toxic and psychological and emotionally abusive relationship. There are still some technicalities to sort out so he isnt fully out of my life yet. I am quite fearful of what he might do so I am trying to remain civil. I am not currently speaking to him, only my mum is. I am very scared though if I dont comply with what my ex wants then he will start trouble. He is a pathological liar, a serious manipulator, and has already accused me of doing things to him I didnt do. I dont want to be stuck to this person but I am scared if I do something he doesnt like it will trigger him and he will try and do something to harm my reputation out of revenge. I really dont want any trouble which is why even though I could, Im not reporting him. I will only use what I have against him as a defence if he makes any false accusations. I am very afraid because he is so unpredictable so I am in a constant state of anxiety wondering what he might do next. I am also a lot more paranoid and my head is constantly plagued by all these horrible scenarios I fear may happen.

If anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice I would be really grateful!

[Lisa]

Hi br0kengirl,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you need some additional support, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available for free, 24/7 on 0808 2000 247. You can talk to their team online Monday to Friday 10am-10pm and 10am-6pm on weekends.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Cherries]

I am afraid…they’re going to do what they’re going to do.

I tried this way. The being super flexible. The people pleasing. The not rocking the boat. They just pushed harder. Felt like they saw it as a game almost…and the more you give the more you want to take.

I have left 3 of them now.  One was abusive in every way. One hurt one of my children. The other was more manipulative, good at blame shifting, controlling.

Guess who lost all the friends every time because they MUST maintain that image.

They are wholly selfish and self centred so they’re likely going to do what pleases them/makes them the victim/gets them the sympathy.  You could sit there and literally do nothing but if they feel they need to make up stories to preserve their image that’s what they will do.

I aren’t even going to fight it….because they are always willing to go that one step further and where does that end?

If people believe them then I’m inclined to let them.  I know the truth. They know the truth.

The only exception i would make with this is if it threatened my livelihood or family.

I know its massively unfair. But I haven’t found a way to win yet.

All of mine literally got away scot free. Defending myself with the first two got me nowhere and indeed I got accused of being crazy/making stuff up/having affairs etc. It actually made it worse I think.

I hope others have better/more promising advice I can only speak from my own experiences x

[br0kengirl]

Oh gosh I am sorry to hear you went through all that, 3 times as well. Were there claims just internal or did they actually take it further. I am not even going to bother taking legal action, but I have been gathering evidence if needed.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I suspect that all of us have been through this. You’re not alone.
Why do abusers make such threats that we don’t report them? Don’t demand back our proper financial share of property or assets? Don’t demand they pay the correct child maintenance? Don’t demand our possessions are returned to us. Don’t hold them accountable for living in our properties at a low cost while we have to go out and rent somewhere?
I could go on, fill in the gaps yourself of the things that your abuser has got away with because you just don’t want another fight about it.

The reason they do it is precisely that. They have learned that they can avoid consequences and get real life benefits from threatening people.

Make no mistake, they’re threatening us, and they know it.

I heard someone describe coercive control once as “do what I want , or else”, and that’s just about right in my experience.

[Cherries]

Just internal/family/friends.

Sadly with the first my family thought I was awful for abandoning him. They invited him to family stuff with one of the women he cheated on me with

Families eh.

But generally they dont behave in public like they do at home. To everyone else they appear like they did to us at first…the person we fell in love with. They maintain that image. Those on the outside would soon change their perspective if it turned on them. But they dont know any better.
I was honestly too scared to involve anyone. The first put (item removed by Moderator) actually through the wall next to my head when I tried to involve the police. That warned me off with the other relationships too. They dont like the thought of consequences. I feel like its taken more seriously nowadays though.
None of them took it further. Early days with the last one though. But there were children involved with the first two which would have meant showing up 24/7, and having nobody to ditch all the work on whilst you play super dad in public, absent dad in private.

I see it all much more clearly with hindsight but darned if no matter how I look at it I was still powerless.  Its maddening x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I think it’s very difficult to ‘win’ in this situation, as Cherries says, they’re always willing and ready to go one step further.

You can be prepared though, to some extent, and cut some problems off before they start. This means imagining the worst they could do and taking steps to minimize or prevent these things.
This is not a no risk strategy. Imagining the worst they could do will be stressful and anxious making. It may also make you appear quite paranoid to outside eyes about some issues!
But, it is possible. You can do it.
An example. Telling your work colleagues or boss that you’ve been through an unpleasant break up and you feel he may be vengeful enough to contact them.

That can pre warn people of any problems so that they’ll come to you first if anything happens. But, it’s a delicate balance. Can you say this without being drawn any further into an unprofessional and potentially damaging  conversation. It’s a delicate balance.
This is true for so much of this journey.
In my experience only the lived experience of other abuse victims can help you wind through this path successfully. Talk to as many as you can, or keep posting here.

[br0kengirl]

Thank you for your message will keep posting here and communicating with family and friends

[Author]

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