New; wanting to leave but scared he’ll carry out his threats

[elmar]

I am new to the forum, and I would say I’m quite new to relationships as well. I recently turned (detail removed by Moderator) and have been with my (detail removed by Moderator) boyfriend for around (detail removed by Moderator). For many months now I have bought about leaving but have been too scared to do so.

My boyfriend is severely depressed and has extreme mood swings and a very delicate mental health. He has told me many times that if I leave him, he will kill himself. Some months ago he told me about plans he had made to (detail removed by Moderator). He told me how he would carry out this attack, told me he was a menace and that I should fear him. In fear he would hurt my loved ones,I went to the police, and despite them telling me to leave him I felt too guilty about what I had done to leave. Since then, he has become a lot more abusive due to resenting me for speaking to the police. He hasn’t hit me, but when he is angry he punches walls and other objects, yells, curses and threatens me. He has told me (detail removed by Moderator). He told me if I go to the police with this information, he will (detail removed by Moderator) and then kill himself and the others. He has also told me that if I betray him in any way he will (detail removed by Moderator). He has told me that ever since I came into his life (detail removed by Moderator), that I have ruined his life, that he hates me, that he deserves more than me, and that if he kills himself it will be my fault. He has told me has hallucinations, and often will cut and bruise parts of his body (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator).

He doesn’t like it when I speak to people who aren’t him, told me he doesn’t want me to continue my studies and wants me to quit my job. He has told me the only reason I have anything is because I’m a pretty girl, but that he deserves more than me and that I don’t deserve anything. He constantly controls where I go and who I see, asks to check my electronics and makes me send him pictures of my whereabouts and who I’m with.

The most confusing part is he’s not always like this. He has big mood swings, sometimes he can be very violent and scary, but he can also be sweet and the person I once fell in love with. I think those occasional good times are what has made me stay. That, and a great fear of his reaction if I ever try to leave him. I’m really scared he’ll kill himself or hurt me, but more than anything I fear for my friends and I fear for my family, and I feel a great sense of guilt for having brought my boyfriend into their lives and not being able to protect them from him.

I feel really lonely and confused, sometimes I even doubt if this is abuse or if I’m going crazy. I have accepted things I never thought I would stand for. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore.

I know I’m young and that my mind and story are probably naive and I’m very confused and frightened. I feel too guilty and too pathetic to speak to anyone in my life, so if anyone has any insight I would truly appreciate it so much
I hope you all stay safe

[Twix]

Elmar, you know you need to leave, you just need to plan it & go with your decision. If not you may stay stuck & if you’re not back on this forum in years to come, I think you know what the outcome could be & your safety has to be a priority.
Have you spoken to your local DV organisation to get some advice? I’d start there, have a bag packed with all your essentials & be ready to go.
You’re not responsible for him or his actions & you deserve to be living a happy life without fear.
I know you’re confused, many of us on here are & continue to be at varying stages, but you’re certainly not pathetic & incredibly brave for reaching out here & sharing your situation.
Keep posting- we’re all here for you xx

[elmar]

Hi Twix!
Thank you so much for your response. I have now reached out to an organization to get some advice and am planning a way to leave. I have been at this stage before but have not had the strength to go through with it, so am trying to remind myself of the reasons this needs to be done and actually leave this time.
Thank you again for your response and we’ll keep being here for each other, xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hiya Elmar I have pm’d you xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely you need to get out. There are so many red flags here, so many common tactics of abuse including blaming his mental health. Is he this way with everyone or just you behind closed doors – MH isn’t selective, abuse is. Threats of suicide are also weapons used to make you stay. You’re not responsible for his choices and if concerned about his welfare then contact professionals. Mine would say he was ill or wanted to die, I’d change my plans and 2 hours later he’d be fine & going out all night with his mates. And how manipulative and cruel is that to threaten death to get your own way?! I’m glad you’ve reached out, keep a journal or notes somewhere if you can, keep your phone on you and be careful, they can lash out if they sense you’re preparing to leave x

[elmar]

Thank you so much for your response Bananaboat. I will make sure to journal everything and be safe, stay safe too xx

[Twix]

Good for you!! Hold onto this feeling & know you can do it, imagine yourself in a year from now, you’ll have a tough road ahead but you’ll be glad you did it.
I’d advise recording everything & don’t minimise anything. Keep yourself safe & calm at all times, hard I know but you’ll be more prepared to deal with the outbursts. If your experience with police has been supportive don’t be afraid of calling them if you ever feel in fear. They should put a red flag on your address so they’ll respond quicker. You don’t owe this man anything, stay strong xx

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to add to everything the other ladies have said here – MH is no excuse for abuse, like bananaboat said MH isn’t selective, abuse is. My ex used a lot of these tactics, I was young and hadn’t had serious relationships before and he abused that too. You deserve so much better than this man, his behaviour and MH is his responsibility, not yours. I fully understand your feelings though I still blame myself even though I know know it’s not me. Stay strong you can do this xx

[elmar]

Thank you so much to all. Your support truly means so much to me, and stay strong too xx

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