Newbie just needing tips on how to cope

[Newboundaries]

I recently contacted a local charity to help me set up a plan to leave. I am trying to come to terms that I have put up with this for so long, that I didn’t see the abuse and that I am now in the position that I can’t leave him with my child as he won’t allow me.

I have been with my husband for years and we have a (detail removed by moderator) and for (detail removed by moderator) when I initially realised I no longer loved my husband and tried to work out what changed for me through my own self care, hypnotherapy, individual counselling and couple counselling, things have been unravelling since. Things I brushed under the carpet when I shouldn’t have, things I took the blame for. Physical abuse in the early days, then emotional abuse, control, his whole behaviour really and the fact he never apologised because ‘I push his buttons’. What’s hard for me to get my head around is I grew up in domestic violence and so I should have spotted this and got out sooner. I really thought this guy was my soulmate but now I realise that he isn’t, my soulmate would not treat me like this. I have invested too much of my life in this relationship, I kick myself for putting up with it as before I was such a strong sassy confident woman with lots of friends but I am slowly getting her back and my support network. We did have good spells but we should have split a long time ago before marriage, before child.

Since lockdown he has gone from charming (which made me feel guilty and second guess myself) to emotionally aggressive and seeing this behaviour and the fact that he uses our child to get at me is what has woken me up and decided enough is enough. On (detail removed by moderator) I had to battle to spend time with our child, this isn’t right, as soon as I woke up that day I felt sick with stress, so I took myself for a walk for (detail removed by moderator), he was in a foul mood the rest of the day because of that. (Detail removed by moderator) when he popped out to get shopping he gave me instructions on what to do for our child, obviously I didn’t listen, I have been the one who has done 99% of the parenting.

Over the last few months since I told him I had doubts about our marriage he has turned from just being a babysitter to our child, now he is over doing it, loudly playing with the child in our garden like he is trying to get the neighbours to say what a lovely dad, putting facebook posts up of him and our child, he even did home schooling on (detail removed by moderator). I think he is trying to paint a picture so that people will take his side.

My concerns now are how am I going to get my stuff out of the house, I’ve been disorganised for a good year as mild depression got hold of me and there is a mountain of stuff to sort through. My other concern is What do I tell my child, he is so young, when we go, how do I explain that we are no longer living with daddy.

Any advice/tips on how to cope would be appreciated.

 

[KIP.]

He can not prevent you from leaving with your child. Lean on the charity and be guided by them in how to leave safely. Do you have family you can stay with or would you consider a refuge. Children are very resilient. Being away from his dad is the safest option for him/her. As you say your abuser is already using your child and it will get worse. Once you’re safe you can arrange for your property to be removed or for him to be removed from the home. Have you had any legal advice yet? Your child needs a happy mum. Happy mum happy child. Do not believe a word your abuser says. He will lie and deny and just change the goal posts. Can you secretly stash a bag with important documents and some clothes in case you have to leave in an emergency?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi definitely lean on the charity. Gather what personal stuff you need, birth certificates, marriage certificate, bank details, copies of loan agreements, mortgage details if you’ve a mortgage, any medication, a few changes of clothes, some favourite toys for your child and any money you can scrape together. If you don’t want to go down that route, the charity should be able to help you Get him out of the house instead. Not knowing what the future entails is terrifying. Living with abuse numbs just how bad it is so much that we stay rather than go, at least we know what happens afterwards, right?
Because of the situation (covid19) the police are more than prepared for more cases of DA. Your husband cannot stop you from leaving, ur not overdramatising this.
My mantra when it came to leaving was ‘Don’t think, just do’. It helped 6end still does.
Stay safe, be strong. You’ve got this.
Much love and strength IWMB 💞💞

[Newboundaries]

Thanks for your responses. I had a productive meeting with the charity today, they are so supportive. They have a place on hold but I feel so awful just leaving without notice as I know he adores his child and this will break him. I know it sounds crazy considering what is happening and last night I was going to go for it. Having slept on it, I tested the water this morning checking that he meant it when he said I couldn’t leave with my child. He confirmed it. I persisted you are going to need to let us go at some point not indicating that it will be soon but in the future or giving him any hints of what is going on in the background. But I want to see over the next few days to see if he comes round, I still have the place on hold for the moment. he probably won’t but I want to give him that chance. But of course if it turns for the worse or it doesn’t change then I have no choice but to go and the charity have got my back on this. And then at least I can say I’ve tried to give him a chance to be amicable. I am already trying to set everything up ready to go, just in case. I have a list on what I need from the charity. Its just so hard to get my head around, I didn’t think it would end like this and everything is happening so quickly.

[Anonymous]

BIG Kudos to you!!! It is hard to “see” isn’t it? But I am so glad you have your charity! Such a blessing and that you are willing to follow their advice is very important. The bullying can be so profuse but once you see it for what it is, it makes things easier in a way. When we separate ourselves from what we “wanted to see or believe from what IS” things start to click. It’s like the double edged sword of truth and reality. It stings and it heals. Growing up in abuse contributes to the choices we make as adults, no doubt about that one. I had the same issue. We are groomed already for alot of things. And sometimes we blame ourselves for the abuse we grew up in. Weird, but we do it. Then that codependency sets in where we just want to fix everything for everyone instead of taking good care of ourselves. We think it selfish maybe to do so but it’s absolutely necessary that put our wellbeing and the wellbeing of our child first.

Leaving them then to make decisions about whether they will change or own their own actions is up to them. It’s their choice, always has been. It’s just, you are no one’s possession. I love the writings by Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet, especially the one about Love and the one about Marriage. He states that basically we are two complete wholes, not two halves. Standing like two pillars side by side holding up the building but not in each other’s shadow. Drinking the same wine but not from each other’s cup, etc.

Sometimes it’s an interesting exercise to just make a list of all the things that you absolutely have to have in a partner and then a list of the things you absolutely will not allow and then look at who this person IS by their actions, not their words. It’s rather enlightening.

I am a firm believer in when we really make up our mind that these are my boundaries, my rights as a human being and I will NOT be moved from it – doors open up. The more we follow, the more that open. Whatever you need to do to get “you” back, to ensure your mental, emotional and physical safety and wellbeing, peace and happiness is what you need to do. Even with shaky legs, they still move! LOL! Going round in the cornfield will just wear you out and discourage you. Walking a straight line out – will eventually get you Out! Much Love and Encouragement to you! You are being very authentic and brave!

[Newboundaries]

Thanks so much for your kind words Braelynn, I resonate with it all. Yep I have spent my life fixing everything for everyone, always putting myself last, I thought I had escaped the abuse after vowing to myself as a teenager I would never go for the same men my mother did but here I am. Its so hard isn’t it but I guess we realise it now better than never.

Thanks for the Prophet quotes, my marriage sadly does not feel like 2 wholes and never has, that is all I want in my life. I will try that exercise over the next couple of days.

I have been working on getting me back and realised I have never set boundaries and I am making myself proud by standing firm with him these past 2 days and saying no we need to split. When before the charity I would say ok I will give it another try.

I still don’t want to get up and flee but at the same time I am on a low income with no assets and not sure how I am going to get out as I want to migrate too, I don’t want to stay where I am now. Plus the fact he is adamant I cannot leave with my son, only on my own, so I don’t know to get around that so I might not have a choice other than to flee. As otherwise we are going around in circles and like you said, wear you out, I already feel worn out. I think today this is what I need to chat to the charity about, other alternatives and then I can think about that over the coming days. What I do know is that I can’t put up with this for much longer, its making me ill. I need to walk that straight line out x

[KIP.]

Don’t negotiate with him. You simply cannot do that. Anything you say will be twisted and used against you. If you pass any information onto him he will know what you’re doing and will prevent it by any means he can. This may mean him leaving with the child and refusing to hand them back. Getting an order first preventing the child from leaving. All sorts of terrible things he can do including physically harming you both. This is the most dangerous time for you. Never underestimate these men. Get yourself out and safe and then worry about the legal and contact side of things. He’s not your friend. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He’s a liar and setting boundaries with him will put you in danger as he loses control x

[Iwantmeback]

Dont let on not even subconsciously what you are doing. What if scenarios etc. Keep what you are planning to yourself. It goes against who WE are as people, feels like we’re becoming just like him. This is a fight fir your very life and sanity and your son’s future as a well balanced human being, without any hangups.
You can’t reason with him because it’s not a normal relationship breakup. The very fact that we go to wa or charities to get advice in what we’re living with and or leave says everything.
Stay strong, you can do this. Just take it baby step by baby step. If you can’t face doing something one day, don’t do it. If you can’t make a decision don’t do anything, renewed strength will come. Look into laws of attraction LOA, I’ve practiced it fir years. Up to leaving I imagined packing up my things, how the items felt, how heavy the boxes would be, I’d imagine me walking down the stairs, going out the door and closing it, didn’t include putting the key through the letterbox(should’ve done that, but legally didn’t know where I’d stand if I did that) it all came to pass. I imagined the colours I’d do my living room in, guess what, they are the exact colours in my refuge flat. You can do this, you can be your own knight in shining armour
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Newboundaries]

Thanks KIP You’re right he is not my friend and he is a liar. And he thinks I am treating him wrong! For a mad moment after being together for so long I thought we could work it out together but like you say he will just twist things, I have evidence of that through messages he has sent to friends. Like you said he could put in place an order to prevent me from taking our son and that thought just sickens me as then I will be forced to stay for quite a long time and he then has the cards and I know he will stall things just to make me stay longer.

You’re right iwantmeback I just need to take one step at a time and continue to prep what I can until I am ready to take that big step. My dream for the past year has been about having my own place with my little person feeling free and so so happy. I need to use LOA to add to that dream like you said with packing up and leaving the home.

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