Newbie wondering if this is abusive?

[Confusedgeek]

Apologies, this will be long.

My other half does things that I consider half abusive, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. He has not done any of 1 or 2 for (detail removed by moderator) months.
1. Smashes up stuff in the house when he gets angry
2. Threatens with suicide
3. Keeps giving me little comments about me doing wrong, telling me off for stuff all the time, I have lost all confidence since getting with him. He never says anything nice about me.
4. Spends very little time with me, mostly with his friends (detail removed by moderator)
5. Does not do any housework whatsoever. I have to pick up his dirty socks on the floor, which makes me feel a bit worthless and disrespected.

We have a young son together, and he does his share of childcare and is very good with him. We live in a somewhat isolated place (my choice), and because I can’t drive, I can’t really get anywhere as public transport here is rubbish. I have no family as I am not English, and only a small amount of friends, none of which I can stay with.

Am I being silly, or is his behaviour a bit off? I think I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go, and if I got stuck in this flat here, I would not have any job opportunities or any means of getting around. I really cannot live here. I am very scared of how my partner would react to me wanting to split up.

Thanks for any replies.

[Twisted Sister]

its very scarey to have things thrown around and be in the presence of that kind of anger, it tells you to be wary of him, even though he might not be throwing these things at you. when you see someone act this way it is a show of strength and the damage his anger can cause, this is threatening, especially scarey for children too.

What struck me most was your comment about being very scared how he would react to your wanting to split up?!

Surely the expected response would be upset? This tells you all you need to know, personally.

do you have family and friends who you could turn to, or leave and go to temporarily while you sort things out?

I would start to put your things to one side, like birth certificate, utility bills, other important docs and save some money to one side to have should you need to leave in a hurry, and you don’t need to tell him.

If he was a decent bloke he would be upset, and you wouldnt feel fearful so therefore you will be ok telling him, but he has changed the rules, and as a result you don’t owe him an explanation, because what will you say anyway that he would accept as an acceptable reason to leave, when you don’t need one anyway, but just go when you feel ready to. you can always leave a note, or email afterwards but he wont need to know where you are.

Sending heaps of strength and hope for you to reach for living without fear for yourself. You can call the helpline too if you need to talk through things and look into options and support available to you?

Warmest wishes

ks x

[Lisa]

Hi Confusedgeek,

Welcome to the Forum! Please do find a safe time to call the helpline. Your partner does indeed sound very abusive and it is frightening that you feel scared and isolated. The helpline can help you do a risk assessment and to safety plan. Please do give them a ring. You and your son deserve to feel happy and safe and he is not allowing that to happen.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Confusedgeek]

Thank you for advice.
I am not English so I have absolutely nowhere to go. Found a flat I might be able to move in to, going to think about it this weekend. I am so scared, and so sad to maybe have to move without him. I love him, but I am scared of him. I phoned the helpline and left a message, hopefully someone will phone me back soon.

[Lightning-Jet]

Confused geek,

I am so sorry you are suffering in this way. I hope you are able to speak to the helpline very soon!
What you are describing I would absolutely class as abuse. You should never be made to feel scared of your partner. You and your son deserve so much better than this.
Like Karmasister says, start getting things on one side and see if you can save some money on one side incase you do need to leave in a hurry.

Have a look through the posts on here, post as much as you like as well. We are all here to support each other.

Wishing you all the best, take care

L-J x

[Author]

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