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I am here in the living room , shaking, I made myself a tea, I just woke up from the worst nightmare I have ever had. I mean some of it involves one of my children dying…
I woke up twice last night, 1am and 4 am. I slept again after 6 am after staying wide awake from 4am to be woken up by these most horrific visions of pure desperation, evil, death, even the family psychotherapist was in my nightmare, I drove too in my nightmare not realising I had and my son tells me I had, he had become an older man with globulous eyes, then I see him young again and he falls down the gap of an upstairs corridor not protected by my husband’s DIY and my son plays monkeys and falls. I hear myself warn my husband not to react with me with absurdity to something I want to explain and he acts stupid again, my nightmare is full of stuff like that, full…
My daughter burst in tears last night when we watched a documentary about self harming, I mentioned her self inflicted vomiting being a sign of something deeply painful in her and she burst in tears. I feel I don’t know how to help her.
So I had a bad restless night and then this nightmare.If life carries on as it is i fear losing my mind, I feel fragile and disconnected. I work too much. I drown my worries and thoughts in a space in my head but it all wants to explode. I have started feeling exhausted, nervous, anxious, I have triggers and I feel like isolating. It’s too much.
Why are these abusers the way they are, why???? What did I do to deserve that???
It’s pure evil. -
Hey Bridget, just remember the rollercoaster ride of recovery, I had vivid horrid nightmares too at first. I think it’s your mind ridding itself of toxic feelings and memories. This passed, became less and less. You have a safe place for yourself now. And your kids should they choose to come to you. Can you push forward on the divorce and financial settlement. With this closure might come a good financial settlement and some peace of mind in that direction. Don’t let this slip. Keep pushing your solicitor and don’t let your ex delay or distract from your goal. While he’s sitting comfortably he’s in no rush X you’re doing really well. Your kids know you’re there when they need you and there’s not much else you can do meantime but get stronger and less vulnerable. Then you’re strong enough for the battle ahead.
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