No Contact

[Nova]

Hi everybody,
I’m a bit stuck. I understand the NC must be the only way forward, and have maintained that for a couple of months since leaving. Smiles with relief!
There has be negotiations re the shared property. I have been & removed 80% of my things twice a long distance once on my own, and it near broke me.
So I reinforce the NC & have no intention of ever wanting to speak text email or any other form of communication with ‘it’ ( has to be an it…not a person or my ex husband even saying that makes me feel sick) ..but…there’s always a but! I need a third party to negotiate and I can’t afford huge solicitor fees.
Basically I need a letter from someone stating clearly, he has to sort out the finances of the house. I don’t want blah blah blah messages, back & forward. Giving him more ‘source’ of anxiety & drams enjoyment, which we all know makes them tick.
I want a third party stating facts, ..It’s over, pay out, Move on.

I do not want any further connection at all, like NOTHING, then I feel I can truly get on with the rest of my life.

I’m acknowledging the horror of what has happened I’m coming to terms with PTSD & I’m doing my utmost best practically, emotionally & financially. Now I want to cut any thread, it’s my right.
I understand women are in different situations,& have different ways of gaining support…though coming out of this abusive situation make me understand first hand the enormous void in actual …practical… Help!
It’s a basic, & without these things in place to access how are we meant to resolve these issues?
It’s like there are SO many layers to deal with alone that it seems impossible, I’m sure I stayed longer than I should because of this,not only the emotional abuse but the aftermath of it. How do I do it? Can I sort it? What if? Alongside the insecurities that have been rough the abuse, I really needed someone to hold me hand and say. ‘Come on let’s work out practical plan’ if you need all your furniture removed..try…if you have to have contact..you can use this..
I don’t need texts like, how you doming has he contacted you?? Like gossip I need Practical support to move on!

Sorry it’s such a long post, I’m struggling to know who to turn to to get my head around the NC I have to sort this, he cannot get away with EVERYTHING!

Hugs HUGS C x

[KIP.]

Are you in contact with your local women’s aid? They can help with a practical plan. I would visit a couple of solicitors. Most offer free initial advice. All I can say is my ex has made everything difficult for me. Maybe an initial solicitors letter stating what it is that you want. Just to gauge his response. In my case it ended up in court, and still is. My choice was to walk away with next to nothing or fight for what is mine. I’m not sure of your circumstances but after my initial solicitor contact I had to wait a long time. In my case it worked out great because it took me a long time to have the strength to deal with him. I made him a very generous offer initially and I’m glad he didn’t take it. I just did it to get him out of my life and I know that I would have regretted it as I’m much stronger now. I know my rights and he’s getting nothing he’s not entitled to. Can you remove the rest of your things when he’s not home or can you just write them off.

[Nova]

Hi Kip, thanks for that as it gives me a sense of where this may go.
I know what you mean about …in the moment we can want to just settle ASAP, then decide that actually that’s not right..that’s another manipulation!

My stuff I can go probably one more time as far as my head can take it..maybe pointless…but for my own satisfaction to remove ‘ME’ from that space…it’s like I’m rescuing myself..! I’m sure you get that…having been there already..

Solicitors I’m v wary of probably just where Im at, and they’re so expensive last one quoted mega big bucks per hour! & I don’t feel strong enough to do another battle with him & his smug self.. Not till after Xmas!
I find him and even thinking of him in my head an intrusion…I don’t need.
I’m trying to just keep the basics afloat, & the thought of having to walk through another brick wall, is just too much. I need some space…although I know this house/finance situ is his last card. Which annoys the hell out of me…yet more manipulation.

It’s rock & hard place
I need a third party like a mediator, or advocacy someone who is neutral…

Anyway thanks for your feedback, much appreciated.

C x

[SaharaD]

The recommendation by abuse organisations is to use a solicitor trained in domestic violence. It won’t work with mediation or advocacy. Abusers manipulate the process. Abuse organisations state that using mediation is not recommended.

If you have suffered abuse it is possible to be eligible for legal aid. If all of your money is tied up in finances. decent solicitors will have a lien ( a financial reimbursement) over the finances until they are sorted. So if for example a property is to be sold or a trust fund to mature, the solicitors deduct their fees from the proceeds.

Also If all your finances are being held by your ex as the main bread winner during the marriage, it is likely that they will have to pay for the divorce and the bigger earner.

The finances and property is usually where abusers fight to maintain control frustratingly and the last difficult battle particularly if they believe they have “lost” over the child arrangements.

If your financial future is tied up with your abuser, get an abuse solicitor otherwise you may look back and regret not standing up for your and your children’s financial wellbeing.

In fact while the divorce is going through there should be an interim financial order requested and set out by the divorce judge so you and the children can live.

[SaharaD]

My marriage was short and I have no children with my abusive husband. I don’t need his pension or maintenance and we had no joint debts or property. So I was able to go full no contact straight away.

Your circumstances are different.

[Nova]

Thanks Sahara,
Good advice. Re Solicitor.
I wasn’t married we we living as such, though unhappily & I was caught up in his weirdness!
The property, as you say is the last hurdle, & I’m not about to give it away, along with everything else I’ve been through!

I’m only a couple of of months out of the ‘fire’& have had huge upheaval physically & emotionally. I’m trying to manage ‘damage control’ of myself!
So putting together a plan to enable that! I’ll forget mediation…& seek out a solicitor.
I have had a brief talk with one at a law centre, it was she who suggested the mediation option!
But I definitely need a lawyer with DV experience.
I hate the fact he’s gloating over this, sitting in a house that was bout partly by me! Like he can just take it, in his warped mind, he is the victim!

I think the New Year will bring me more strength …I’m hoping, as I’m finding all this very tough to go through alone…why do we have to suffer so much after everything we’ve been though? It’s a extremely difficult journey ahead.

Thanks C X

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