No one can see the truth

[Pittabreadcat]

My ex is an expert emotional manipulator. We were together a long time and I grew very close to his parents – they became like my own parents when my relationship with my mum and sister broke down (looking back, I can see some of the manipulation that led to this, but couldn’t see it at the time). We have been apart for a few months now, it was amicable at the start, but feels like it’s turning sour now. I know his parents will be biased – they love their son after all – and they have been very supportive of me in the split, saying they would never abandon me after I was such a big part of their lives. However, I know they have seen first-hand what he can be like. They know how hurtful he can be and how he can twist everything round onto someone else, but neither of them seem willing to accept that he was the one to blame for the relationship problems. I have tried to explain it and point out his manipulative traits, but they just want to see the best in him. On one hand, I get it. That was me before – too scared to see the truth – but I just wish everyone could see what I can see. Every time my ex has time alone with his mum, I feel like he subtly putting the blame for everything on me, she seems to look at me differently afterwards. He also seems to be talking our daughter round to his version of everything, which kills me a little because I can see him twisting things. He does it so convincingly that no one else can see it. It’s exhausting.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ultimately his family will probably side with him, (whether they secretly agree completely with you or not). It’s just the way things are. Friends also will often fall on the side of whoever they were friends with first.
It does feel doubly unjust when you’re the victim of a manipulative and abusive person, but it does happen. Probably we would do it ourselves.

The question for me was how did my ex manage to manipulate my life so much in the early days that all our joint friends ended up being his friends, and my friends got sidelined and criticized. He made it really difficult for me to stay in touch with them, in ways that were so subtle that I didn’t realise it was happening.
This is the same question you are beginning to ask about your own family.
In the end. Sometimes (often actually I suspect)  we end up losing everything in these relationships.
That may include family (his)  and friends.
It’s excruciating at the beginning.

Afterwards you realise that you can come out of the flames renewed, and what you bring with you is what was really yours.

Personally I just had to toughen up. Play him at his own game.

Mine turned out to be not as clever as he thought he was.
Not to say you should underestimate how nasty and vengeful they are. Oh no. Never underestimate that. But they’re not as clever as they think they are.

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