No one knows how I feel and it’s tough

[Confusedlady20]

Hello everyone.

I’m just writing because I feel I need to get this off my chest.

I don’t know if it’s ‘abuse’ or me just looking for a way out? Something to blame?

I haven’t and feel like I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about how I feel and how much I struggle living with my husband.

He is so hard to live with. He will fly off the handle about the smallest things. Things that he does himself. At our teenage children and me or at me about our teenagers. It’s horrible, and feels like there’s a black cloud hanging over the house. But he doesn’t see it. For example, (detail removed by Moderator) he has kicked off (verbally) because (detail removed by Moderator) child didn’t clean up (detail removed by Moderator). Full 20 minutes of him ranting (detail removed by Moderator). I suggested just asking them nicely to clean it up. But that was wrong, cue another rant (raised voice, repeating himself over and over again). I had to bed him to stop because I was trying to enjoy my meal, nearly in tears. He doesn’t care at all.

I have tried to talk to him about it and how this behaviour affects both me and the kids and I get accused of not listening to him, him not being able to share his views, no one respecting him in ‘this house’ and me making it all about me. I try to reason and explain that I understand his frustration but actually what I’m trying to explain is his way to go about dealing with his really upsets me. But it just ends in a row with me being an awful human who doesn’t care about him and threats like ‘I may as well not be here’

That it just one example and happens at least 3 times a week if not daily.

I recently started a new job and was so excited and happy and work hard. But that is also an issue because I’ve moved to working full time. Apparently he now ‘does everything’ (he definitely does not).

I feel like I’m trapped. I hate my children being in this house and have got to the stage where I have to warn them to stay out of his way which just isn’t right.

Im sorry if it’s not abusive and this is the wrong forum, I’m just confused and fed up of feeling so sad and heavy when I’m around him or anxious that he will kick off about something.

I want to get out but I don’t want to leave the house (we rent, HA) and don’t want the kids to lose their home. But I feel I have no option anymore. He wouldn’t leave unfortunately and will likely make my life miserable forever.

If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading. I’d appreciate any advice or words of wisdom mainly so I don’t feel so alone.

[Better-days]

Hi confusedlady20 I am in a similar situation to you and I understand how you feel and I also thought I was not experiencing abuse and that my partner is just an idiot but I think it’s more than that Theyr bullies and living among it is herrendous. Iv been through so much I could write a book right enough but I’m still in relationship with a man I don’t love only because of fear. I therefore don’t have too much advice but in anyone’s home I don’t believe anyone should be walking on eggshells to keep peace. This forrum saves me on my worst days. Keep posting big hugs to u xxxx

[Bananaboat]

That very much sounds like abuse, they remove your ability to have any view or options that differs to theirs, they are the victim no matter what and you lose all ability to make choices such as stay/go. They’ll never listen or care about how their actions hurt you or the kids. It’s really hard to accept it’s abuse so be kind to yourself. Look up Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ there’s free pdf versions out there or buy a copy. It opened my eyes to so much more of his behaviour being abusive than just the rants. Xx

[tiredofitall]

You literally wrote my life for so many years. He criticised everything I did, I worked too much but then also my job wasn’t as hard as his (when he was working). He criticised my parenting even though our kids are just normal kids. Nothing they did was ever good enough for him. And he’d blame me for it. We’d have to spend hours listening to him rage and tell us about how he felt. He literally never really listened to any of us about how we felt. He had a defence for any suggestion that he could say or do something differently. Then he would rewrite every event or conversation to fit his narrative. It was so frustrating and in the end I felt like he dud not want anything to improve. He seems to enjoy bring in that negativity. Whoever was home first would text the other to let us know what mood dad was in. Sometimes I’d stay later at work because I didn’t want to go home. I was scared to not be there when the kids were there as I felt that I needed to be ready to protect them against him too.
I stayed because he always had reasons that made me think he would / could get better or change. And I didn’t want to break up the family home.
Bit things were so miserable and I could see that as the children were teenagers, his affect was more negative than positive. He chipped away at their self esteem and I worked very hard to convince then otherwise. I had to be honest and say that he was wrong and his behaviour was not right. I could have them believing that this was a healthy way to behave. When he was out the house, the atmosphere changed. It was like a weight lifted. When he was there, we all stayed in our rooms to avoid any reason to get his attention. Then he’d complain that he was lonely. But he never wanted to hear why we did that.
Anyway one day after hours of him ranting, all of us crying and his complete indifference to the situation he was cresting over nothing, something snapped. And I decided that I just didn’t want this to be my life anymore. Waiting for him to leave me or die!
A year later, I’m in a new house with the kids and we are so happy. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I stayed focused on how much better it would be. And it is.
I had told no-one about how awful it was – I didn’t want the judgment of explaining why I wasn’t leaving. I felt shame about that and I wasn’t ready.
When I decided it was over I started talking. And when I gave them examples I could see in their eyes how bad it had been. Worse even than I thought when I was in it.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know it’s not you. I completely get it. Call it abuse or not, its still not how you should be treated by someone who loves you.
I also appreciate its not easy to leave. I stayed for years and years and years. So no judgement here.
x

[Survivorwoman]

Hey,
I have being through dv with three different people but they abuse was all different physically and emotionally.. the emotional side was harder for me.. everything you just said your going through right now is how it started with the one, it was like everything I said or did was wrong..even when it was actually over something they had said or done even when talking to them trying to explain Something it then just turned into an argument about the same thing but he would then twist it and say something like “I never said that I said … don’t you ever listen”
Then it would start again..
(detail removed by moderator)
It’s exhausting! I use to sit there at times over thinking everything thinking “was I in the wrong” “did I say something in the wrong way” etc
But I started to realise actually no I never done anything wrong it was him the n********t!
It affected me and my children in the house with the mood..
Even though it was my house and my children’s (they aren’t he’s children) home I picked a perfect time and just didn’t come back. I simply told him I can’t do this anymore and either he leaves the home or Me and my children wont be coming home.. after several hours he got it that it’s done and I couldn’t take no more of it he kept asking me why but I told him once and once only because he didn’t listen to reason the first time and now I was free I certainly wasn’t going to waste my time repeating myself explaining over and over again that “it’s this exact reason why I left”.
I’m so glad I did it and took the jump to do it!
You and your children are what’s important.. live your life with them don’t let your children think “that’s what a relationship is life after years of being together” I have two daughters and as soon I thought of it in that aspect I had to go mommy can be happy!

Emotionally is harder to see or believe is actually happening or happened after so long trying to deal with it!
I wish you the best, you’ve got this lovely!! Xx

[nbumblebee]

We know how you feel and you are not alone.
Theres so much stress around having to put a label on it, is it abuse is it not? I hate it, it drives me crazy that word that label. In ny mind sweetie if he hurts you in anyway physical emotional any way if he on purpose makes you feel worthless or demeans you or makes you feel anything other than amazing then maybe hes not the one for you.
Whether it is abuse or not if you are unhappy you have the right to leave.
Having said all that i know how hard that is im still here after decades of living with a not so nice husband im frozen and cant find the courage to leave. Its so easier said than done I guess.
But know this one thing You deserve more.
Your children deserve more.
I will alwatlys regret not taking my kids and running always and I will live with that guilt until my last day mine are older now and have problems I believe because of their dad and me i blame myself more than I do him.
So you are not alone now we all here understand. Keep talking read others posts keep learning one day you will see a way through and you will take those steps towards where you need to be. Stay safe xx

[Eyeswideopen]

It is abuse, it wont get better, you need to get out. Your story sounds so much like many or ours. Living walking on eggshells as anything small may trigger them, they are never wrong, we always to blame… it’s hell.
Start making plans to leave him.
Your kids will thank you.
My ex moved out of my house (detail removed by moderator) working through separation. It was hell then, now house just quiet and fun and light… you can have it too.

[Confusedlady20]

Thank you for all of your messages, it’s hard to hear but it’s what I already knew really but it’s also nice to not feel alone.

I need to get out but I need a plan! I can’t go on like this anymore.

Thank you again for your replies.

Lots of love to all of you ❤️

[Survivorwoman]

If you need any help or advice anything at all please message me! Xx

[Eyeswideopen]

Just re read your post @tiredofitall and I had to double check I hadnt written that!! It sounds toooo much like my story. Congratulations for leaving and finding peace ❤️

[Lost lady]

Oh My goodness – i have just read this and feel sick, this describes my life exactly. I just couldn’t put it in words my head is so confused
Hope you find your peace xx

[tiredofitall]

Until I came on here, I honestly thought that my situation was unique. I knew that abuse happened but reading other people’s stories opened my eyes to the similarities in all we experience which made me realise that nothing I did would make any difference. And once I knew that hope for change was gone I couldn’t carry on.
It saddens me how many of us live like this but it also gave me strength and courage to take that leap and know I could do it because others on here had lived my exact same experience and they did it.
It’s over a year since I made the decision and a good few months that we have not lived together and I’ve never been happier.
It has not been easy but I’m now in charge of my own life and how I want to live it.
I think you are all amazing. ❤️

[Author]

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