No remorse

[ocean20]

I think the thing for me that’s most shocking in whatever he does is the lack of remorse. I could almost take the abuse if he was sorry. He will say and do the most vile things to me (usually in the evening and after a drink) and then not even mention it the next day.
He will say he doesn’t remember or care if challenged or if not challenged he will just be off with me and will leave the house without saying a word (so he clearly does remember something).

He will gaslight me instantly in the same conversation. He will say he can’t do it anymore and I’m the problem and he doesn’t think he wants to be with me. And so I say so you’re leaving me? He says I think so.
And then in his next breath will say stop putting words in my mouth it’s you that said you want to finish it. If that’s what you want I won’t darken your door again it’s always me. And plays the victim. Makes me feel like I’m going mad. He always says he’s leaving and then makes out like it’s my idea when he doesn’t get a big reaction out of me begging him to stay.

He lives with me in my house. He has kids and he used to have them 50/50, but now it’s every other weekend.
He will say it’s for me because I don’t like having them here but it’s because of his work. Even though the kids do impact my life too I have no say in anything to do with them. Which I get. I’m not their mum.
Truth be told I do struggle with them. I like my own space and I find them naughty / disrespectful. But I will just take myself off when they’re here if I’m struggling so they can all have a nice time.
But he doesn’t respect my boundaries. One of mine is I don’t want them in my bedroom. It’s private. They’re (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) so old enough to understand bedrooms are private. But he will get so angry at me that I’m uncomfortable with his (detail removed by Moderator) year old climbing into bed with us. He’s told me I don’t like kids and I shouldn’t have kids and he doesn’t want kids with me. That really hurts. They’re under my roof and have been since he had nowhere to live (only (detail removed by Moderator) months in). I do lots for them in my own way but it’s never appreciated.
He shouts the most horrible things about me and how I apparently feel about his kids loud enough for them to hear. That makes me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I say it’s not true and he’s being really hurtful to me and them but he says he doesn’t care. And shouts how do I think it make him feel?
Part of me feels he’s jealous or resents me because the kids do like me. I don’t know I can’t place it. He shouts at them too and they hate it

This is such a rambly post. I could write a whole essay on this kid thing. I try my best but he’s determined to pick out all my short falls x

[Lisa]

Hi Ocean20,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Abusive men never take responsbility for their behaviour- this is really difficult to navigate- you are not dealing with somone who wants to understand the impact of their actions- its all about power and control for them.

You setting that boundary around your bedroom is completely reasonable- this is your private space. It sounds like he twists this to make you feel guilty, to accuse you of something- boundaries are also really important for children and he is also doing a disservice to his children and he is teaching them all the wrong things about relationships.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[ocean20]

Thank you Lisa x

It’s hard to think rationally when your only person to bounce off is your abuser. They make it that way.

He’s clearly not happy with me lately. And now what’s come to light? I’ve caught him messaging another woman. After all he accuses me of. The rules he sets me.

Goes to show that they need someone to feed off always. Always have to steal someone else’s light and if you don’t stroke their ego and exactly as they want they will fine your replacement.

it still hurts so much.

[Author]

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