No strength to do this

[LozzyX]

I’m screaming at myself but I’m not doing anything . I am just here , existing , letting the relationship consume me because I have no longer have the strength to do anything about it…the fight I had in me last year has gone . Why did I go back ? I’ve been so so silly.

I’m not in danger in terms of physical violence , but his depression , personality disorder or whatever it is that can make him so so so self absorbed to the extreme …it’s too exhausting to live with …. I can’t love with it but I see no way out I’m just exhausted

Im not looking for advice as you’ve already given me all the advice you can. I don’t know. I’m just so lost.

[Lisa]

Hi Lozzyx,

It’s easy to say, and maybe more difficult for you to believe, but it really isn’t your fault for going back. Lots of women go back to abusive relationships for so many different reasons; the perpetrator might say they’ll change, you want to believe that he can change and try to see the best in him, it might be for practical reasons… whatever the reason it’s completely understandable. It often takes women multiple attempts to separate from an abusive relationship so try not to be too hard on yourself about this.

You will find a way out if/ when you feel ready. Remember you could speak to your local domestic abuse service to try and get some emotional support in place until you feel ready, or you could chat to a support worker from Women’s Aid via the live chat to see where you can go for some more support.

Take care,

Lisa

[Hetty]

I know how it feels to be in this lost and hopeless space. I’ve been making plans for a long time and I’m still here. I can’t see an end but I’m just doing small things every day. Even if it’s sorting out my stuff, having little clear outs so when the time comes I’ll have less to pack/think about. It’s just very small steps. You can gain your strength again, you’ve done it before. ❤️ You won’t feel fully strong until you’re out if the relationship but don’t give up.

[LozzyX]

Well I think today is the day … Things were building up again , old behaviours coming back and and worse than ever ..(still amazes me how every time advice on here turns out to be so true!)

So at the moment I have that relief and fire inside me ..

But I am bracing myself for a very very tough journey ahead

It has only been due to going back to him , and then supporting him with drs etc for suspected bipolar depression that it all became more clear …that unfortunately it is actually a personality disorder …. And seeing how resistant he has been to all support offered to tackle his issues , in combination with his other issues spiralling that I realise now I just need to get out.

We only just had the talk ( what I was hoping to be a heart t heart but of course he had to be childish so it was a row)…so it’s very very new …but strsngely I feel so relieved right now like it’s finally over

I just need t stay strong now..
And try not let him break me during the divorce like he almost did during our marriage ..

[Author]

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