Not appreciating him

[Sad and alone]

Arguments are getting more and more regular. He is so hateful, saying nasty things about me or who I am as a person, or making little comments under his breath which I have to try and ignore or else things will blow. But I can only take so much.

The last two arguments have been frightful. I may well have sacked my life off and gone but for my pet that is elderly and I don’t feel I can leave. But it means I have to stay and put up with his behaviour.

The last time he said he would make a deal with me and if I showed I appreciated him I could stay. To the outside world we have an idyllic life that a lot of people would envy. I went along with it but he now keeps almost giving me warnings about not forgetting “the deal”. But in the meantime he is continuing to be disrespectful. Which he calls “telling the truth” and says that if I wasn’t the way I am he wouldn’t have to say anything. He thinks because he does a lot around the place that this means I should be grateful and I guess accept the things he says about me. I am sick of comments under his breath, or being judged, or told I’m things that I’m not, or compared to other people (as in I’m not as good as them, or as bad as them). He can kick off at anything that he takes offence to and it’s hard to navigate around this because I don’t know why he gets so upset.

He says he doesn’t expect intimacy anymore but wants to be appreciated. I cook for him, look after the house, look after the animals we have and a small business. I thank him when he helps me and help him with things too. I always ask him if there’s anything he’d like me to do. How else is there of showing appreciation that isn’t physical? It’s almost like he wants me to be more loving towards him but this just makes no sense in my head when the next moment he’ll insult me. I’ve had enough of it.

[Sad and alone]

So tired of this cycle.
Had a couple of nice evenings. Trying all the time to be conscious of what I’m doing or saying. Hate it when things feel like normal, like how I remember times when things were good between us. Like we’re a normal couple.
Then he’ll come in and something will have triggered him. And he starts talking about something that happened before and how I’m a horrible person. Even when I admit I was wrong about something he’ll still drag it up again and say I was horrible or nasty.
He says I need to get cancer as then I’ll realise how good I’ve got things. He says I need to smash my head against a wall to knock some sense into it.

[Sad and alone]

I stayed away from him after the argument. It wasn’t resolved but it never is unless I say sorry, all my fault. Thought I’d do some business related stuff. Gets backlogged as when I do it I’m always questioned about what I’m doing and why’s it taking so long, how it’s not complicated and shouldn’t be taking up so much time. Of course it happened again. Making out I’m slow and incompetent, saying I should ask him for help. Have said I don’t need his help, just need to be left alone. He keeps calling me mental and not all there. He keeps lying saying I’m doing this thing twice a week so why am I still doing it now when I haven’t done it for ages. I think he’s trying to convince me I am going mad. I don’t know why he keeps lying. I don’t know why he can’t leave me alone. I feel like something bad is going to happen one way or another. There’s no winning. Keep hearing about how he wants to be appreciated and then when I say thank you for doing something he says he doesn’t want thank yous as it’s just words. I’ve asked him how does he want me to show I appreciate him and I think this is really his new thing although he hasn’t said it but that I should act the way he wants to show I appreciate him. I’m so sick of him. Sick of it all. I hate my life. So sad as on the outside I am so lucky but inside I am unbearably unhappy and tired of being hounded and moaned at and shouted at and then having him act like it was all my fault and we should call a truce after arguing all f*****g day like he’s sensible and I’m a l*****c. He’ll say how he wanted to go out somewhere for the afternoon but I didn’t come outside and now it’s too late like he wants me to regret something but I don’t want to go anywhere with him and be all chatty and feel like normal when I know it’s not and it’s all f*****g fake.
So tired. I’m getting tight chested and trying to calm down. But so tired.

[Sad and alone]

And why are they always playing the victim?
He’s saying how he doesn’t feel well, how I’m making him ill, how he’s got ulcers etc.

The other day I was doing my own thing with other people and he said how he’d been bored all day and left out and made to feel uncomfortable in his own home and how I just gave him dirty looks and didn’t think to ask him to join in. This was after (timeframe removed by Moderator) where he ranted on how I was horrible and nasty and frigid. But I’m meant to forget that and be concerned about him??! Or he wanted to go out for the afternoon and I’ve ruined it because I got on and was doing something else after he chose to create an argument once again. He never once came to me and said did I still want to go. Which I didn’t anyway. But then still making comments about how he wanted to go out as if to make me feel guilty about it. I am tired of being made out to be this evil person all the time. I haven’t done anything! He said to me could we just move on and get past this recent argument but then promptly started rehashing it all over again. I said yes I’m not interested in arguing but he has to start telling me the same things that started the whole argument off in the first place. Then he moans and says what another great day it’s been. It wasn’t any of my doing. I didn’t choose to come in and start criticising and complaining about something in the past that I can’t change. He says he knows I can’t change it but it doesn’t stop him from going on about it.
Still feeling tight chested. Feel I’m being constantly judged and monitored. Starting to feel like I’m getting upset all the time like I did before. I went to the GP and went on HRT to try and even my moods out and think it helped but I’m starting to struggle to cope again. There’s only so much you can take.

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