Not sure if it’s emotional abuse, but how do I survive?

[willowbean52]

Hi all,

First of all I feel a certain amount of guilt even writing this. An aspect of this feels like betrayal to me, and I am so fearful if my husband does find out I have gone this far, the consequences would be horrible.

I have been married for going on (number removed by Moderator) decades, and we have multiple children together.

In looking back at our relationship, the patterns which haunt me now really started quite early on.

There’s so much I cannot even pin down in terms of what I am going through, other to say when things are bad, I am so upset and distraught, I want to end it and take my kids. But I can’t. I simply cannot – finances, plus NO outside support (no family or friends).

Some examples of things that occur – one, he frequently looks at my phone. On multiple occasions has found private documents (including journals I write truly for myself, as an act of catharsis), and presses me about what I have written, etc. Additionally, recently found a message I sent to someone and held it against me that I wouldn’t talk to him first. How it hurts him that I can speak to other people but not to him. He just told me (timeframe removed by Moderator) that we should have full access to anything on each others phone, and that that is healthy in a relationship. He tells me there’s nothing on his phone I can’t look at, I could look at it at any time without question. So he often grabs my phone and scrolls through it, and his current response is “(quote removed by Moderator) or “(quote removed by Moderator)”

Another aspect: If I talk about “boundaries” either sexual boundaries, or boundaries I have (ie after (timeframe removed by Moderator) of fighting, I need to take a break, or go for a walk), he responds with statements like “(quote removed by Moderator)” or “(quote removed by Moderator)” He hates the word “boundary” so any suggestions on another word I could use…that would be helpful.

On other chronic issue: I self admittedly raise my voice, get angry, yell, and sometimes lose control. I truly am working on this, have sought therapy for it, and try so many strategies to improve. Sometimes immediately after I yell or get upset, he will respond with “you aren’t being nice,” sometimes demanding and apology. Telling me to act kind first. The last suggestion from my therapist was to not respond when I am provoked, to ignore, or walk away, or simply respond with not much. This only upsets him more. So–d****d if I do, d****d if I don’t.

A lot of this stuff feels so subtle, I think I am overreacting. But I have been broken down to the point where I really can’t feel much warmth towards him anymore. But that’s what he wants me to show. So again, constantly failing. He says that in the relationship, I am not committing to what I need to work on: be kind, show affection, compliment him, show excitement and desire, even though he is putting forth effort to work on communicating with me in better ways.

I truly feel stuck. As mentioned, really have no option to leave as it would destroy my children, I have no financial backing of my own, and our unique situation (in that I have no support), would put my children in a possibly worse scenario. Outwardly, he’s a great dad, does so many things for the kids, takes them places, is the nice caring neighbour, helps strangers in the street if they fall, that sort of thing…

So my final question is — how do I honestly survive this while remaining in my marriage? I haven’t mentioned the physical and mental toll the relationship conflict has had on me.

Any advice, I would greatly appreciate. As well is thoughts if I am being unreasonable as well.

Thanks for the time!

[Firsttimedivorcee]

(removed by Moderator) There is no boundary because he is entitled to everything. There should be no privacy between you both, he makes you feel guilty even though you’ve done nothing wrong. They will often make you yell or shout and make you feel like you’re losing your mind because that’s the doubt that what they’re doing to antagonise you isn’t actually happening and constantly making you feel that you’re the problem and chip away at your sane mind to making you feel insane. That turns into guilt. That maybe somehow you cause this.

I left after years. And having kids, to this day people say, how did you not know. And I say, I don’t know how?! I remember straight after my split, I said ‘I feel stupid’ but you just can’t know. You sound so much like me. All I can say, the damage is done by the time you realise. And the guilt never goes away. You need to think, can you do this for another 10,20,30 years? If you can and have to, then that’s it but you need to find escapes. And if not, think about how you get out. It might not be immediate. It might be something you need to think about (don’t write it). Plan it appropriately. And above all, be careful. I wish you luck my love. It’s not you, you don’t deserve it, and I hope you do what is right for you

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Agree with Firstimedivorcee, but if you feel like you have no choice but to stay, have you thought about re-training or getting work?

This would give you some financial independence, and if he is not an abusive partner there will be no reason whatsoever why he wouldn’t support this, (unless you’ve got a very young baby maybe,  but, even then, you could be making plans to apply for a training course or study or upgrading your previous cv)

Only an abusive partner would really put obstacles in your way if they knew that this was what you wanted and needed to do. So,  in that sense, maybe it could give you an opportunity of something real and specific to judge his behaviour against.  Work towards making things less nebulous and difficult to recognize. Sometimes it only becomes so subtle after many years because we’ve adapted our self so much that we don’t really make any ‘normal’ demands in the relationship anymore ( like having a career, having friends, having a social life, deciding which hobbies we want, booking our own holidays, you know what I mean. We kind of make ourselves smaller and smaller in order to avoid conflict).

[willowbean52]

Thank you both. I feel just really confused and truly, unsure what to do. It may help is if I do more things for ME to have escape — the challenge with this is life is so difficult with work and kids, I am so very overwhelmed. I feel I cannot add more to my plate. I also do work, full time in a degreed position, but we barely make it month to month to even try to put away any money (though I have thought about this). There are a lot of details which I shouldn’t share which are unique to our situation that make it so difficult, one being that I am currently here on a Visa as well which complicates matters ( and can give some insight as to why my support network is quite limited).

[willowbean52]

Just to post another question on his behaviour and communication.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) I didn’t have my phone because my (age removed by Moderator) child needed it for a school project in the moment. I needed to look up an address quickly, so I told my husband “(quote removed by Moderator)”

His response was “(quote removed by Moderator)”

He said my behaviour was odd. When I said I felt it was respectful to let him know what I was doing on his phone, he became upset. He had to pull me into another room to discuss this. Told me I am acting strange. (timeframe removed by Moderator), he was leaving and insisted to know that I am in agreement with this, that we should both have free access to each others phones, without question. There should be no secrets between us. So I yes, had to agree and say yes. I won’t change his perspective. Truth be told, there isn’t anything on my phone other than the stuff he interprets as wrong. I suppose I just need to be careful with everything and everyone I reach out to, just is horrible to have to live this way worrying about what he MAY find and get upset about.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Well, personally I don’t feel that having  free access to each other’s phones is necessary or desirable in a relationship. That’s just my opinion.

I think it’s a question that doesn’t ever come up in a healthy relationship.

(removed by Moderator)

Others will correct me if they don’t agree.

I, for example, have never looked at a partners phone or demanded I have the right to do so.

I don’t know any healthy relationships where this would be expected.

Personally I see it as controlling.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s a really difficult question that you ask, how can I stay in an abusive relationship. Because, as a survivor I always want to say that leaving and going completely no-contact was my best solution.

But, you are being honest and saying that it’s impossible for you to leave for practical reasons, and asking for help.
Maybe the best I could suggest would be to emotionally detach from the relationship, without any change in your outward appearance. This would mean essentially just observing the dynamics of the relationship while remaining smiley and friendly.
At the same time make gentle preparations for an independent life. This could be meeting new people and friends, putting financial inequalities in order, and making sure you have clear and correct financial arrangements. Pay into a pension or a savings plan for yourself could be an example. (Abusers sometimes try to involve us in illegal or semi legal arrangements so that it’s impossible for us to ask for help). Protect your job, it will be your lifeline.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Maybe set up a digital system where you can have some privacy. A new email that only you can access, maybe from a public (library) computer if you can’t do it anywhere else.
Instead of using words like ‘boundaries’ which he’s obviously taken against ( red flag?!) you can maybe say “please don’t do that you know I don’t like it” or “ I’ve asked you not to do that, I don’t feel I should need to ask twice”.

Again, hold your ground but don’t get drawn into reacting, just observe.

Copy or photograph all documents and find a safe place to store them.
Open a separate bank account if you don’t have one already.

Have a list of domestic abuse organizations near you and their numbers. Maybe have a chat with them if you can. All this on a secure digital device needless to say.
If you fear aggression have a bag with vital things in it ready to grab if you need to run.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Consider the possibility that he creates conflict because he always wins in that situation.
When you lose your cool, he’s in a position of power and control. When you cry, the same. When you’re confused, the same.
Consider whether there’s a way that you can remain true to yourself ( pleasant, reasonable, calm) without participating in the conflict.

 

[willowbean52]

Thanks so very much for the advice. I am really really trying to become less reactive, and even without trying, am losing some of my emotion. I simply can’t even “feel” sometimes, if that makes sense? So it’s really hard to be smiley! Today I was questioning in my head if I am still able to feel empathy? Which sounds terrible — I always think maybe it’s me, and I am some human devoid of being able to see my evils I cause to others?

I am trying to be really careful with this account too, and today is the first time I’ve been safely able to log in for about a week.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) we got in a disagreement, as he interrupted me when I was working to “discuss things,” but I needed to get my work done. Again, this has happened before, and clearly he isn’t respecting my boundaries. However, per him, our marriage should come before work. Needless to say, after a full day of having to hear from him about how I have reacted unfairly, been unkind, haven’t reached out to him in a loving way, I can’t even explain why I am upset or what he did wrong. When he says “what did I do? why are you hurt or upset, I don’t get it,” I can’t answer. I just can’t even put it in words anymore. And you’re right — he wins, every time. I apologise and acknowledge his perspective (not enough). It’s never enough. But it just grinds me down and I feel hollow. Then he wants me to show compassion and love, and I can’t even fake it. Then, he can’t trust anything I say or do because it “doesn’t feel real” to him.

I really appreciate the support here. Want everyone to know that it does really help.

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