Not sure if this counts….

[Done-with-this]

Following a very difficult couple of weeks my partner is now trying. However I can’t tell if a recent conversation is part of control or him genuinely trying to be good.

He got invited to an event by a couple of his friends but has declined and said unless it’s with me he doesn’t want to go. ( I can’t go because of child care). He also was supposed to be seeing another friend (who wanted to check he was ok after the last few weeks) but has cancelled twice.

Has anyone else seen anything like this where they cut themselves off from friend and just stay with you? Or is it me overthinking and he’s just wanting to spend time with me?

I guess my worry is now that if I want to go out I’ll feel bad (or he’ll say he doesn’t go out) because he’s turned down offers to stay in with me instead.

Thanks

[Warmsea]

My ex wouldn’t leave my side if I was off work. I had to push him to go out with his friends by saying I was busy or going out myself. Although this caused problems and arguments which lead to abuse and him throwing back in my face that I was discarding him. Just be careful x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there,

My ex did this all the time. Claiming to turn down invitations to go out with his friends (I was very very very rarely invited). He would often throw it back in my face later, as in he was invited to events A, B and C and then declined A because he had the cold. Then right around event B he would throw in my face how controlling I was for not letting him go to event A. I would then try and make my own plans for when he would go for event C, only for him to decline event C and spam my phone with messages while I was out. And somehow in his mind I was the controlling one.
Another example would be once he had made plans to go out during the week-days 6 times in 3 weeks with his friends. I asked if he could show some consideration for my sleep and how I was up early to go to work etc. I got called a controlling c***.
I’ve learned he used those times where he declined invitations to make it seem like I was controlling him to his friends. All because I wanted to meet them. I’ve heard other theories as well that he was probably building up quite the smear campaign against me to his friends which would be another reason I wasn’t allowed to meet them, but I did manage to meet them twice over many many years. So, I have my own theory as well being that he pretended to be someone else entirely when he was with them – and if he wasn’t pretending with them, he surely was pretending with me. He was often proud of saying how he was “a reflector” – I think he wanted it to mean someone who thoroughly thinks about an issue from multiple angles before making a decision. I’ve often thought of it as a mirror instead – he was reflecting back what he saw.

I would be wary around this behaviour, indeed. But whatever happens, you shouldn’t feel bad if you accept an invitation to go out, he is the one making these choices and it’s great to spend time together as a couple but it shouldn’t be to settle some emotional scorecard. He could of course be wanting to spend that time with you which is lovely, but I would be wary and I hope you don’t get subjected to any “I stayed in for you”-comments.

Keep posting on here x

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