Not sure what to do

[Coconutter]

Sorry this is long, I’m quite confused.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years, we have lived together for most of that time. We are interested in most of the same things get along well most of the time and have a good life with dreams for the future.
He’s not controlling, I work away (detail removed by Moderator) a week and don’t really have any friends to go out with anyway, and he’s generally supportive of my goals if sometimes a bit pushy, but I feel like I can’t bring up my emotions or discuss any issues in the relationship as it escalates straight away into an argument.

I’ve tried talking to him a few times about our sex life, how I need foreplay before he can go in me and what I like, but this has caused massive arguments and him saying that I can’t bring this up again, and his only solution was lube, now I feel like I have no sex drive and he complains I never initiate but that’s because I just don’t enjoy it.

He has been quiet supportive (detail removed by Moderator) when my step father died but any other time I try and talk about how I feel, for example that our dreams seem unreachable and life is so expensive, or if I’m feeling down for no reason he lectures me on how hard life is for others and makes me feel really small.

He turns very small things into an argument which often makes me cry because I can’t deal with being shouted at, which winds him up even more, devolves into him name calling and telling me I should just leave, which winds me up and I’ve ended up screaming at him to leave me alone a few times, this occurs every few months.

What worries me more is another argument (detail removed by Moderator) ago when I was working (detail removed by Moderator) hour days a week and studying (detail removed by Moderator) days a week plus coursework, and I had left a cup on the counter at (detail removed by Moderator) on my way out to work, and when I came down the next morning he asked me why I would leave it there and I said well it’s so early I can’t think about everything and I do most of the washing up anyway, and out of nowhere he’s calling me a (detail removed by Moderator) repeatedly (he later said he didn’t know what (detail removed by Moderator) meant as English is not his first language but he’s lived here a long time). I was so tired and had been working so hard he was just digging in and wouldn’t stop berating me or listen to me so I kicked him in the (detail removed by Moderator) just as a pure desperate reaction because my head felt like it was going to explode(For reference I’m tiny not saying this makes it ok), I just wanted him to shut up and listen to me explain. Then he’s shouting at me that I would call the police if he did that to me and I just couldn’t take it and packed my things and went to my mums for a few days, he wouldn’t let me take the dog and took my house key off me (which he has done a few times) and tried to hug me but really tight to stop me leaving.

Clearly I’m not perfect, and I’ve got trouble putting all this in perspective because he has said I am the abuser in the relationship and that I gas light him, I’m not sure how though because I’m generally pretty laid back and go with the flow type of person, and while I don’t think my act of violence is justified, I do feel like I often get backed into a corner.

He doesn’t control money, he pays for rent and bills, I pay for council tax, car and food and save what I can, but he holds it over my head when we argue that he pays for everything but really it works out quite equal as I also pay for new clothes, takeaways etc when needed.

I also think he might have cheated on me (detail removed by Moderator), he had problems down there and thought he had touched the inside of the toilet bowl while at the (detail removed by Moderator) and touched something sticky and caught something, he had negative tests back but I never saw the results and they gave him antibiotics for both of us ‘just in case’. I have worked in (detail removed by Moderator) so I found this strange but he reassured me that’s what they said at the clinic.

I don’t know if this constitutes abuse but I can’t have a reasonable discussion about our relationship with him, all these conversations do is cause an argument even when I try and think really carefully about how to approach things, the conversation goes down twists and turns where the original problem is forgotten and I’m left upset and unsure what happened.

I feel he would deny the need for relationship counselling, and I’m considering making my exit but I don’t know if I’m overthinking it and just not seeing the good in our relationship.

Thank you for reading this far, any insight would be greatly appreciated

[Bananaboat]

Hello, welcome to the forum. Whilst you say he’s not controlling, there’s definite red flags in your description, things like he takes the keys off you, won’t let you take the dog, moans about the house and bills, name calling/belitting, puts blame on you for things. It helped me to read things like ‘Living with the Dominator’, ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube etc,as all of these opened my eyes to many words/behaviours I thought were excusable but were actually part of the bigger picture of abuse and in turn helped me see whether that applied to me and my relationship. Things escalate with abusive relationships so always make sure you’re safe. Hope this helps.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

So much of this sounds like things that happened in my relationship. My ex also made me feel really guilty if I didn’t feel like sleeping with him. When I tried to introduce things that I liked into our sex life he shamed me or made fun of me (and they were just really vanilla things too, nothing out of the ordinary) or made me feel guilty because he felt inadequate. He would verbally berate me, curse me out, call me all types of names & if I had any type of reaction he’d accuse me of abusing him. He’s told me that I gaslight him, that I’m a n********t etc etc. That he’s the victim of my abuse.

The things you are mentioning sound like abuse to me. I would absolutely avoid going to relationship counseling with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s an individual (his) issue. Also abusers are often incredibly charming & can be quite skilled at convincing couples counselors that they are the victims of an unstable neurotic, abusive woman. That’s what happened to me when me & my ex went to counseling. Turns out our counselor didn’t have experience with identifying covert abuse & my ex ended up convincing him that he was the victim. It was incredibly traumatizing for me. If you are able to & it’s safe to do so, get an individual counselor for yourself to help you sort through everything you’re feeling & thinking. 💜

[ladiesand gentlemen]

This is exactly what they are like
Mine says its all me too, refuses to except responsibility for ANYTHING and will NEVER help anyone unless he gains from it !!!
He will twist every situation to his benefit, even if it means being horrible to our grown up child, he is a vile selfish person.
I have ALWAYS been the “perfect wife” its NEVER enough for him.
Outside he is charming and chatty, yet behind closed doors he ignores, throws things,shouts,and generally makes us feel terrified to talk about anything, always sulking.grumpy,banging about etc !!!
I have managed through terrible ill health to gain the strength to talk on here.
keep going,stay strong,and most of all stay safe x*x

[Eggshells]

Dear Coconutter,

My honest opinion? If he’s making you this unhappy and you feel able to leave, then leave. It doesn’t have to be abusive for you to leave.

That said, the behaviours you are describing sound very worrying. He is verbally abusing you, physically restraining you and making sex an unpleasant experience for you. From what you have written, it is hard to see that he has any empathy or care for you.

He supports you in the things that he wants you to do and shows no support for the things that don’t matter to him.

I would say that he sounds very controlling.

Please have a look at this link. It might be quite enlightening. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

[Coconutter]

Thank you all for your advice and insights, it’s putting things into perspective and I honestly thought for so long if I could just be better and behave well then we will have a peaceful and enjoyable relationship but no matter how much I earn, clean, cook it’s never going to be good enough.
Yesterday I asked him if he wanted a brew and he just made a noise and I asked is that a yes or a no and he went mental at me ‘of course it’s a yes what’s wrong with you why have you got such an attitude’ and that kind of made it clear for me, not the worst explosion but just unwarranted.
I can’t leave just yet but in the next month I will be gone hopefully I just need
to make a bit of a plan and get rid of a lot of stuff.

[Author]

Posts