Not sure what to do

[choccie3]

First post, so have read the guidelines lots of times. I’ve tweaked a few bits, so this is confidential, but I’ve tried hard to stick to the truth so people can answer fairly. For context, I work in a (detail removed by moderator) so I’m pretty clued up on what abuse looks like. I met my partner (detail removed by moderator) years ago, in unusual circumstances. He worked in a setting where I was accessing (detail removed by moderator). It was me who pursued the relationship, not him, but even so, people said the relationship wasn’t appropriate as they said I was vulnerable. I disagree with this – I wasn’t coerced, he never made me do anything I didn’t want to do and I feel like it was me leading it.

I have some mental health difficulties, and I also have autism, but despite these diagnoses I hold down a very responsible job and I feel like I have good insight.

(detail removed by moderator) years ago I had a cancer scare. Ever since then, my partner has said he doesn’t find me attractive in that way, so we haven’t been intimate for a very long time. It didn’t really bother me for ages, as I wasn’t feeling attractive either, but the last year or so I’ve really missed someone making me feel nice.

I don’t actually think I’m an easy person to live with, and I always bear that in mind when I’m upset with my partner. My autism makes me crave routine so badly, that I make everyone in the house miserable when I can’t have that. (detail removed by moderator) I met with my autism support worker, and he said some of the things I was telling him were red flags.

One of the things we talked about was my partner’s debt. Fines have been coming through the door for the last few years and I find this really triggering. I’ve been begging him to pay them, but he refuses. It came to a climax a few weeks ago when two bailiffs came to the door, demanding a large sum of money. I paid it, but my partner was really cross with me and said I shouldn’t have. The bailiff experience upset me so much, because it brought back some trauma for me of something similar happening when I was a child. My partner knows about this and he promised there were no more debts. I told him that (detail removed by moderator) I have to protect my house – which I own.

Since the bailiff experience I have opened and paid a further (detail removed by moderator) fines in his name. I know I shouldn’t be opening his mail, and it’s when I do things like this that I feel like I’m controlling him, but he’s lied to me repeatedly about them. I always tell him, and leave the letter for him, and I always apologise and try and explain that I don’t want bailiffs knocking the door – especially in case the children are here. He gets angry and then ignores me and refuses to speak to me. It always ends with me apologising for my behaviour and him telling me I need to do things differently. I think we’re both in the wrong here – I shouldn’t be opening his mail and he should be trying to understand why the debts are upsetting me so much.

In the evenings he tends to ignore me. I talk to him and he just plays a game on his (detail removed by moderator) until he’s tired. Sometimes I get cross that he’s ignoring me, and I snap at him. He explains that he needs to decompress after work, and I should respect that. I try really hard to put myself in his shoes, but at the same time I long for someone to chat to in the evening.

When I try and talk to him about how I feel sometimes, he tells me that living with someone with mental health needs is exhausting and he’s doing his best.

(detail removed by moderator) was awful. I was very unwell with a (detail removed by moderator) and was coughing to the point of being sick. I was begging my partner to help me call 111. He is a (detail removed by moderator), and he kept telling me he didn’t think I needed to speak to them, so wasn’t prepared to help me. I thought I needed antibiotics, so I called them myself. I was coughing so badly that the call handler couldn’t hear me, and she asked me to put someone else on the phone. I gave the phone to him and he basically told them I was being dramatic. I then spent another two days coughing so badly, before the GP gave me antibiotics.

(detail removed by moderator) ago I talked to him about the 111 call, and how that had made me feel. It was then that he told me that he is being treated for depression, which he feels the way I behave has contributed to. Now I don’t know what to do, because I think a lot of the occasions I thought he was being unkind, were more to do with him being depressed.

95% of me wants to repair the relationship and be a better person, but the other 5% keeps taking me back to things people have said about the relationship not being healthy.

[Lisa]

Hi choccie3,

Thank you for sharing with us about what you are going through. It is understandable you are finding your partner’s behaviour distressing and perhaps exhausting to deal with. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. I hope it has helped to post on the forum.

Abusive behaviour can often be subtle which can cause confusion and doubts about what is happening. If you would like to talk things through with a Women’s Aid Support Worker in confidence then you could use the Live Chat service (available every day) via this link.

Or, if you would like to reach out to your local domestic abuse service then they can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support face-to-face or via phone. You can find your local domestic abuse service here.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum choccie3,

It’s all so confusing dealing with the behaviours I remember so well. But keep posting on here and reading the posts and you will get clarity. Knowledge is Power.
I can really relate to your experiences. About the debt they run up I had that too. I would pay off the debts until I saw that he just went ahead and ran them up again. That was a decade and a half ago. He hasn’t changed. I slowly changed by coming on here and getting outside support also. He discarded me which although shocking and painful at the time it was the best thing ever. He’s got a new supply (partner) and he’s still running up debt. But the difference now is it’s not my problem as I’m No Contact with him.

My abuser knew I was anxious and upset about the debts but he loved to see me this way. They are wired differently to you and I. They get joy out of their loved ones and strangers misery. All of us on here have had an encounter with these abusive people who choose to hurt others to feel good about themselves so you will be able to relate. Keep coming back on here and you will start to see the wood from the trees.

[Author]

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