Not sure what to do

[Hair]

Basically I have been in a relationship for (detail removed by moderator), and my well ex partner just got prison for (detail removed by moderator) as it’s second time he has been charged, I always blamed the drink but since he has been in jail been nearly three months now he has phoned me upset emotions all over the place and last week phoned me and said I have to finish things with you, I can’t be in jail and have you outside not sure what your doing, have a good Christmas, I’m not sure how to feel very upset I feel like he is constantly in my head and feel that for years he has done stuff like this, because it is coming up to Christmas I feel like it could be another ploy to upset and hurt me? Has anyone else been in similar situation partner or ex in jail, I reallly do want to walk away and leave the relationships as it isn’t good and depresses me so much, but how can I still care and want to be with someone who hurts me all the time

[Suntree]

We feel the guilt they don’t. They can push the buttons because we care.
We are designed to bond to people, its hard to break bonds.
Have a chat with Women’s aid to help.
Post here. Go no contact.
See if you can get counselling to help you.
Use this time to break the bonds and get yourself safe

[Hair]

Yeah it’s breaking the bonds I find it hard, I do go to counselling already and it does help but no matter what he does he is constantly in my thoughts!

[Confused123]

Hi HIun

It takes time to de-attach ourselves , even though his in prison,its the contact that is messing with your head, accept his break up and change your no so he cant contact u again, it really will be for the best. U have to have zero contact to rebuild yoursself, even then it takes time

[Hair]

Yeah I find it so difficult he hasn’t actually contacted me since breaking up with me, i think it is because I know he will eventually contact I feel like it could just be to hurt me right now leading to Christmas “he knows I love Christmas” doesn’t help I have his family contacting blaming me etc horrible messages, which I have began to have a backbone and have said no your wrong I did not ask for any of this to happen!

[KIP.]

I think he’s doing this to hurt you. And spoil your Christmas. Report his family to the police if they are sending you horrible messages. You don’t have to put up with abusive behaviour. Time to build a new life. Block all their numbers and have the kind of Christmas you deserve. Victim blaming is a dreadful thing to put up with when we have been through enough pain.

[Hair]

Yeah that’s what I thought because how can someone phone me so upset for weeks sayin how much he misses me and our child, to I can’t be with you anymore, he has done that for years anything I would be excited for he would ruin it in emotional behaviour! It’s only now I’m starting to see how bad it was, well TBH it did hurt a lot reading family’s messages because they had seen the state of me after the incident and told me to walk away and now they have changed their attitude completely, it’s disgraceful and I just can’t believe I’m getting the blame for something I didn’t do he chose to attack me not the other way around

[KIP.]

You have to cut abusers out of your life. My ex couldn’t stand to see me happy. He would pull the rug out from under me at the first sign of me feeling happy. They are extremely jealous. I’m assuming it was you that he assaulted and that’s why he’s in prison. If you google ‘trauma bonding’. It explains a lot. Get in touch with your local women’s aid too. My son took his dad’s side in the end. It’s incredibly painful but I know what a bully his father can be. My advice would be to cut all contact while you can and have a restraining order in place when he comes out. How dare he carry on his abuse from prison. It’s time for you to be free.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Sorry this is happening to you hun. You aren’t to blame and shouldn’t have to keep putting up with it.

Can you give Women’s Aid a call? They offer wonderful advice on what your options are. If you can go No Contact the majority of us would recommend it 100%.

[Hair]

Yes he was the one who assaulted me, also got charged a few years ago but this time got prison, which was a complete shock, I have spoke with woman’s aid already, and other places which recommended me to this page to speak to other people that have been through the same sort of stuff, I do have family but hard to speak when people don’t fully understand how someone can be in your head so much! Exactly that he has done that to but very manipulative so for years I never actually understood what he was doing he used to make me feel like I was actually crazy, I have suffered from bad anxiety and depression and have noticed when bail was on place and I didn’t have him telling me stuff that my anxiety had went away, but what really annoys me is how if I know so much he has hurt me and ruined me as a person do I still love him and want him 🙁

[EeyoreNoMore]

Have you heard of the book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft? It really helps you understand why hey do what they do. If you stick around here long enough you will see that they all act the same. They’re all predictable in their behaviour and it is only for one reason – to serve their own selfish needs. We are just irrelevant byproducts unfortunately xx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there I hope you’re feeling better in yourself I can sense a lot of anxiety. I know what it’s like when your partner is in jail. You get all these thoughts in your head about how they are, are they eating, sleeping etc. But believe me continuing a relationship with anyone whose in jail is hard enough but in this type of equation it is maximised. Just remember that he looks after himself which is why he felt the confidence to be able to assault you if he has the confidence to do that I am sure he can look after himself in there. His family are just taking it out on you because they can and will not accept what their son is. Block firm and store everything as evidence and trust me when I say this may be the perfect time to go no contact! Let him get preoccupied with jail he will probably be outraged over all this and hopefully he will commit another crime whilst still in jail and end up spending longer in there. Please do not get trapped in this because I latched on and if I stopped, stepped back, reevaluate the situation who knows I may have left him but I can’t have ifs and what’s I can only look forward but from looking forward on can say I wish I had the benefit of hindsight and I wish someone told me what I’m telling you now!!!! X*x

[Hair]

Oh I will have a look and read that book that might help me! Yes a lot of anxiety because I am still vulnerable and I know that at back of my head I’m desperate to hear from him, it scares me as to why I just won’t let go and be like no he did that to me I am done, I think as the days are going on it is slowly getting easier as I have my independence back and I do feel safe on my own, as he made me feel like I needed him.. I just feel like how could a relationship possibly work now, because certain comments he made on phone “I don’t know why I’m in here, well I do but I’m not that kind of person” which to me is letting me know he is saying in a way you made me that person, which for once I am not listening to that I was a housewife that wanted to make my family happy

[Confused123]

HI Hun

, Block all his family and report them to police, none of this was your fault and don’t let any one else tell u so. Get counselling and support for yourself

[Author]

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