Not sure where to begin…

[Nutella]

Hi all,

I’m completely new to this so don’t know how this works…

I’ve been with my husband for almost (detail removed by Moderator)yrs now, married for (detail removed by Moderator). Our relationship has always been turbulent at best and We have a (detail removed by Moderator)yo daughter.

After having my daughter in (detail removed by Moderator) I had PND (undiagnosed as I was in denial and just thought that that is what every new mother goes through), her dad went to work from (detail removed by Moderator) days a week and when he got back he wouldn’t really do much with her. I would ask him to hold her while I did dinner or something and at one point I got told “(detail removed by Moderator).” Breastfeeding was also a big struggle for us and then of course there was the lack of sleep. I asked him if I expressed during the week could he do her (detail removed by Moderator) feed on a (detail removed by Moderator) (so not during the week) while I went to bed early to get a decent block of sleep and then I’d do her (detail removed by Moderator) feed. His response was “I want my sleep”, so that’s when I packed up the pump, bottles etc and just exclusively breastfed.

During this time (when she was maybe (detail removed by Moderator) months old) I was approached on (detail removed by Moderator) by someone I didn’t know and… I’m very ashamed to say, it turned into us exchanging messages and pictures. I hate admitting this because it’s not one of my finer moments and it makes me feel very ashamed about myself. It lasted probably a couple of months but because I was stupid and kept forgetting to delete the app that we’d used to message it meant that one night in (detail removed by Moderator) in the midst of yet another argument with my husband he snatched my phone out of my hands and started going through it and found this. I went and stayed at my mums for (detail removed by Moderator) (who knew about it all because when he took my phone off me he (detail removed by Moderator)) and I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. When I got back I cried and told him how sorry I was and he hugged me and told me it’ll be OK and we’ll get through it.

Now every single time we argue I get this incident thrown at me. He’s told me that he doesn’t know if our daughter is really his and that he’s too scared to get a paternity test, I get called names (he’s always done this to try and hurt me in any way he can), I’ve had bruises on my arm hat work have seen, he’s spat in my face because I (detail removed by Moderator)…

There’s so many other things but I feel I’d just bore you. The latest one came (detail removed by Moderator) when I put up a picture on (detail removed by Moderator) as my mum and I went to (detail removed by Moderator) and someone from (detail removed by Moderator) that I follow liked it. He messages me (detail removed by Moderator) saying that he’s uncomfortable with this person liking my picture and that he doesn’t know their intentions. When I get in I’m in a mood and told him I didn’t like him trying to ruin my night. He said he wasn’t but that it’s not right that this person thinks he can like my post. He asked me who he was and I said it was someone I (detail removed by Moderator) with, so he said “well I’ve never met them” and I said “(detail removed by Moderator)” ((detail removed by Moderator))

He said I should block delete this person because he has no business getting involved in my life. He asked me if I message him to which my answer was no, so then I was told that I care more about not blocking this person than I do making my husband happy. I told him I was tired of his coercive behaviour to get me to do what he wants. He said that he wants me to be happy and if I’m not then leave (he’s told me multiple times that I know where the door is.) The argument ended with him telling me that he regrets marrying me and that as soon as we were married it was “(detail removed by Moderator)” so that I can show everyone how successful I am (he proposed after (detail removed by Moderator)yrs together, married (detail removed by Moderator)yrs later then our daughter was born almost (detail removed by Moderator)yrs after that.)

I’m not even sure how to end this… Thanks for reading if you managed to get to the end…

[Mellow]

Is it that important to keep this person that’s bothering him on social media ?im not saying what he’s doing is right but It just seems petty it seems he’s not got over your infedelity

[Nutella]

It doesn’t matter what I do, everything is an issue. If I do as he wants and block this person it will then be someone else, and then someone else again. He wants to make it so difficult for me to be on there that I will eventually I give up and come off it altogether. I know that that’s what he wants but he will never admit it. I’m not (detail removed by Moderator) or anything else because he didn’t want me on it.

[Mellow]

Sorry about that my ex was the same he had double standards he accused me of all sorts on there and I did leave to please him and guess who was the guilty one in the end.he might be projecting onto you.guilty parties usually acuse

[tiredofitall]

I’m getting the feeling (and please say if I’m wrong) that he
Misrepresents the reality do it fits in with the story he’s created?
My husband did very little with the children when they were babies. He came and went as he pleased and the default was that I was responsible for them so if I wanted to go out without them I’d have to make sure he was free to look after them. It never worked the other way. I did all the night feeds and worked a full time jib, going back when baby was (detail removed by Moderator) months old as we couldn’t afford it because he was in and out of work. Of course his version of events is that I’m a career woman who put my work above everything else!
I also at one point got into messaging someone I used to go yo (detail removed by Moderator) with. They were complimenting me and making me feel good about myself and frankly I was desperate for that kind of attention. He also found the messages and it caused a big drama.
Everything I’ve done or ever do is never good enough or right. He is a negative person and wants to argue all the time. I hate the person he makes me.
Anyway long story short, I’m divorcing him now and hoping to be free soon. I don’t want to live this life anymore and maybe you don’t too?
Will he ever understand you and give you what you deserve? I waited way too long for my husband to see my worth. Everyone else did but he was never going yo because all he cares about is himself. That’s my reality.

[Nutella]

Yes, this is exactly what he does. Whatever fits in with what is in his head is the truth as far as he’s concerned. He claims to not remember telling me not to “(detail removed by Moderator)” our daughter on him but I remember it clear as day. I never went out without her until she was perhaps about (detail removed by Moderator) months old when I went to a (detail removed by Moderator) with my dad and even then I had the guilt laid onto me for doing that. Whenever I do go out now, like you, I make sure it’s on a day when he is free. He had very little to do with her when she was small, leaving it all up to me, then as she got bigger and a bit more interesting he then wanted to do stuff with her but because she was so used to only having me around she didn’t want to know him, then I was accused of brainwashing her.

[tiredofitall]

Honestly I could have written this myself. Mine also accusing me of brainwashing the kids against him so they don’t like him or want to be with him. Nothing to do with his moods or the things they see and hear with their own eyes. He is frustrated when they don’t do what he wants but they are older teens now with minds of their own and I think he can’t deal with them outside of his control.
I’ve done all parents evenings, concerts, doctors, dentists on my own. Whatever they needed for school, I sorted it. I stop trying to involve him after a while.
Mine never listens to my side and whenever I’ve been lulled into confiding something to him, he twists and uses it against me another time. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said ‘that’s not what happened ‘ or ‘that’s not what I said’. He’s absolutely adamant and it’s funny that all memories he has seem to end with me being the one at fault!

[Nutella]

This is absolutely the exact same situation with me.

He will come to parents evenings and school plays etc but it’s always me doing the organising. I do drop off and pick up, GP appointments, dentist appointments, if she’s ill it’s me who takes the time off work because I earn less so therefore according to him the person who would lose less money by being off should take the time off. I’ve never been allowed to see a wage slip or anything but I reckon hourly rate I’d either match what he earns or earn more if I did the same hours as him, but no, I was the one who compressed her days when our daughter went into nursery, I dropped (detail removed by Moderator)hrs a week because it was just too late getting her home on some of the days so it was better for her, I moved my hours around to account for the school run. His hours have never changed.

Even at (detail removed by Moderator) our daughter has her own mind and he hates that so they argue all the time, then it becomes my fault because I’ve taught her to be argumentative.

It’s also exactly the same with me being lullied into confiding in him with something, it’s then twisted and turned on me too so that it suits whatever point he’s trying to make at the time

[Author]

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