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Realise that he has sent two texts telling me that we can work it out and that he loves me. The letter from (detail removed by Moderator) He states that I am welcome to move back in with the kids while he looks for somewhere to live – what does he not get !?!?! I feel so mixed up and like crying … I know that I am right, but there are too many people trying to belittle what I feel – it is ridiculous. I won’t tell the kids that we won’t be going back just yet – they are counting the days til we go home. (detail removed by Moderator) .. I feel like the games have begun, and I guess I am shocked that he can chuck SO many insults at me, and swear at me SO much and still be shocked at the outcome. I wouldn’t treat my enemies like that .. and then of course, he feels “intimidated” by me … grrrrrrrrrrr. I don’t have a word to describe how I feel xx
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Have you read ‘Why does he do that?’?
Abusers are just as predictable in defeat as they are when they have control. “I’ll get help”, “I’m hurting so much”, “You’re being so unreasonable” etc etc. He’ll cycle through it all trying to get you back rather than spend time grooming the next victim. If he can’t win you back he’ll probably attempt to deny and diminish your experience.
Youve done the hardest part xx
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thank you … I think I’ve got that book … if I haven’t I’m getting it tonight!! … when I saw the letter this afternoon my first thought was “I need to get home and read about this” … I know that it’s all part of the game, but what (detail removed by Moderator) to say “yes the children should be in the family home” but (detail removed by Moderator) .. it’s just mean and silly … let alone the whole (detail removed by Moderator) malarkey … madness! x
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I wouldn’t accept texts or phonecalls. It was difficult to go no contact because of house sale and I didn’t want the expense of solicitors (although was prepared for this). I’d only communicate through email as I could pick and choose when to read and respond rather than a text pinging on my phone.
Don’t feel guilty about not responding to him straight away. You don’t have to do that anymore and the more you engage the more he’ll try to hook you in. Also, I found it futile trying to reason with him so kept it fairly unemotional (despite wanting to rage at him)
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This is when your list of reasons you left comes in really handy.
I would very strongly suggest keeping contact to an absolute minimum. Any form of contact will put you on an emotional rollercoaster. It is very likely that your former partner will start to get nasty when you don’t respond to him pleading for reconciliation. You must keep your guard up. This is a very dangerous time even if there is no history of violence many abusers do resort to violence when all else fails.
As walkerintherain says “it’s futile to try and reason with him”. He needs no further explanation as to why you’ve left. Try to focus on future arrangements with the children and financial matters in a progressive but stone cold way. (Try email only)It’s going to be a tough time but keep focused on that sweet smell of freedom. It’s a big sudden change for your children too. They are bound to rebel against the change initially.
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Well done for leaving, I can imagine this is super hard but remember you have control now and he won’t like that. You can choose whether to respond to his calls or texts and you totally don’t have to. I left for a few weeks once and my sister said to me rather than having no control over when he is nasty and mean as you live in the same house when you don’t you do have control and you don’t have to engage in any of that if you don’t want to. Stay strong! And yes keep those reasons with you! xx
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