26th April 2016 at 6:30 am #15310
The police came last night. He is dead! It is all my fault. He had said he couldn’t live without me, couldn’t loose his job and couldn’t go to prison.
If I hadn’t left, if I hadn’t gone to the police he’d still be here. It’s my fault, I killed him. Now I don’t know what to think what to do.
26th April 2016 at 6:44 am #15313Confused123Participant
sORRY TO HEAR THE NEWS BUT ITS STILL NOT YOUR FAULT, HE CHOSE TO TAKE HIS LIFE LIKE HE CHOSE TO ABUSE U. HE COMMITTED A CRIME AND TOOK THE DEATH WAY OUT, THAT WAS HIS CHOICE, SOME OF US ON HERE HAVE BEEN THROUGH EMMENCE TRAUMA WE HAD THE CHOICE TO KILL OURSELVES OR PROD ALONG AND FACE WHATEVER IS BEEN THROWN AT US, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. HE CHOSE TO ABUSE U WAS THAT OK FOR HIM TO DO WHAT HE DID TO U ? NO IT WASNT. IF WE DONT SPEAK UP ABOUT THESE MEN THESE MEN WILL GO MAD ON THE ABUSE THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH , THEY NEED TO SEE A CONSQUENCE, WHY SHOULD WE LIVE A LIFE OF MISERY BY THERE CHOICE, WE ARE HUMAN TOO
26th April 2016 at 6:56 am #15315
I am so confused. I feel guilty he’s dead I feel angry, angry he’s done it angry he won’t be punished for what he did to me. He broke my wrist nose several ribs, and cra ked my cheak bone, he left me with bruising and tearing where he raped me, as well as leaving me black and blue in that last attack, and now he will get away with it!
But I feel so incredibly heart broken to, I may sound stupid but there is still a part of me that loves him. But how do I arrange a funeral for someone that did that to me?!
I made my dad give me my phone, there was so many missed calls texts voice mails begging me to go home. Telling me he couldn’t live without me. I could have stopped him.
26th April 2016 at 10:27 am #15328LisaMain Moderator
I am sorry to hear this. As the others have already said, it is not your fault. He chose to be abusive and he chose to end his life. Understandably you feel confused, your emotions will be so mixed as you go through shock and grief.
It is great you have had so much support on here and from your parents. Remember the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is available if you would like to talk about what has happened. Be kind to yourself and take time to heal.
26th April 2016 at 7:19 am #15319MillionpiecesParticipant
I’m sorry to hear what happen to him but it is not your fault. He couldn’t face the consequences what he did to you, but he know all of it before de decide what he did to you, so it is not your fault .
26th April 2016 at 7:44 am #15320LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
For some abusive men, killing themselves is the last, final act of control.
You didn’t do this, it is not your fault. He chose to do this. Just as he chose to abuse you the way he did.
You couldn’t have stopped him love, even if you’d dropped the charges and gone back to him it would have just been something he used to maintain control over you.
You definitely don’t sound stupid at all, and no one can say how they’d react to such news until it actually happens to them so please, allow yourself to grieve and give yourself some time. Is there anyone else who can arrange his funeral so that you don’t have to? Even if there isn’t, you don’t have to.
Do you have access to counselling?
Thinking of you love, be kind to yourself. x*x
26th April 2016 at 7:48 am #15323WhathaveidoneParticipant
It’s not your falut. None of it is. I’m sorry to hear of this loss but abusers want you to feel responsible for actions that THEY choose to do.
Abusers want you to carry the guilt of the abuse around with yo ufor many years.
Abusers know that if they can make YOU feel responsible for the abuse then you are less likely to tell anyone – preventing the abuser from being caught. They rely on our silence.
None of it is your fault. You did not ask for any of this. It just goes to show that if he felt he didn’t do anything wrong, then why not face up to it properly? No, he knew he did wrong and chose the death way out. This way he can still have control over your mind even from the ‘grave’ because he carried out his threat of suicide.
I know we can still love the person but that does NOT mean we love what they do to us. Loving someone doesn’t make it acceptable to abuse them.
It’s not your fault.
Please take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you. x*x
26th April 2016 at 8:42 am #15325Confused123Participant
Are you married to him that you have to arrange the funeral, im sure if u was just g f its not your responsibility. I understand you loved him and it must be hurting u as u maybe thinking about good times but as u r remember the bad times and how he hurt u, he chosen to end his life cause he couldnt face upto what he did,people who knew him in force will remember him for a an abuser as it came out in end, yes you would of loved for him to be punished for what he did, we all want our justice. Maybe this is your way to move forward, when you ready take counselling up to deal with how u are feeling, i think its better to address the anger and hurt now, i block my abuse for ages when i was with abusser my way of dealing and it lead to abuse getting worser, im hoping by doing counselling i will understand my own feelings more, i am going on courses to make myself stronger so i can recongnise the abusive behaviour more
26th April 2016 at 10:46 am #15331AyannaParticipant
Oh hun, this is horrible. But you know what: he had no considerations for you. He did not care when he injured you. He did not care about you when you suffered. His mind was sick to the core. I do not want to sound cruel, but it is the best for everybody that he is dead. If all abusers did that we would not have to go through the awful system being more humiliated.
This has never been your fault. If you had not called the ambulance he would have killed you one day. Take your time to recover. Make sure you get counseling and look after yourself. Do not be hard on yourself. You are the victim of a terrible person. None of what has happened is your fault. Please do not blame yourself. Big hugs! x*x
26th April 2016 at 11:31 am #15335mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi Prisoner – sorry for what you are going through right now. You have been through enough, you did not need this on top of everything else you are coping with.
This is proof of his guilt – he could not cope with everyone knowing what he had done, so he chose this way out.
This is his final act of revenge, I know it’s hard right now but don’t let this haunt you.
He is gone now, and he can’t hurt you anymore. It’s time to put yourself first, look after you, give yourself time to heal and recover, you have been through so much.
26th April 2016 at 12:25 pm #15343godschildParticipant
Prisoner, I send you a big hug, this is not your fault at all please take that on board, but I can fully understand how you are feeling , you will have so many mixed feelings. He may well have ended up killing you, what he has done to you in keeping you locked in for so long and the horrendous battering, he gave you could not go on, if yo had gone back he may well have killed you as well as revenge that you were out of his control.
BUT abuse is not cut and dried , you may well have trauma bonding and you will greive the loss of what you really wanted, I cannot even imagine how it must feel for you and you will feel guilt but it is false guilt.
You have NOT killed him at all, it was his choice, you had to go to hospital with those injuries.
It could never ever be right for him to carry on being a (detail removed by Moderator) whilst breaking the law in his own home.
You could never have carried on as you were, but this will all take time to get over, have you got councelling.
Did he have any family or friends that could arrange the funeral, you don’t have to do it, if you feel you cant or don’t want to, you don’t have to attend either, put yourself first and do what is the very best for you.
Even if you had , had your phone and read the messages, there is no way if was safe for you to return to him , your own life would have been in danger.
Look after yourself, sending a big hug and compassion for all that you are facing ans all of the emotions that you will be feeling xxxxxx
26th April 2016 at 12:35 pm #15344SerenityParticipant
I am sorry to hear this news, but like the others say, don’t take on responsibility for his actions. He chose how to live and how to die.
Thinking of you x
26th April 2016 at 1:26 pm #15355undertherainbowParticipant
He made his choice, it’s not your fault. I know how confusing this all must feel right now, I think you’ll go through a massive array of emotions but remind yourself through every single one that it is not your fault. xx
26th April 2016 at 5:13 pm #15399
As his wife I don’t know if it’s my responsibility? He has brothers, I can’t do it, I just can’t. I have spent another day not leaving my room and not eating. I don’t even know if I can go to the funeral. I feel so guilty.
27th April 2016 at 5:29 pm #15533Escaped not freeParticipant
I feel so sorry for the position you are in and I know no matter what we say you are going to have massive conflicting thoughts in your head. This is not your fault, he chose this as his route out of taking responsibility. I don’t think anything I say can change how you feel just niw. But do allow yourself to feel sorrow and grief, I feel all of these and my ex is still alive. You can’t cut off those feelings all you can do is work through them. Please get yourself some counselling urgently. And talk to your GP, this is way too much for anyone to go through without support. So sorry for everything you have lost, long before now. Xxxxxx
26th April 2016 at 5:28 pm #15401Eve1Participant
Your’re bound to feel that way. It’s not surprise at all. It must be a terrible shock. But as everyone has said, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Please let others look after you and let his brothers arrange the funeral. It makes no sense for you to do it.
Huge gentle hugs to you.
26th April 2016 at 7:16 pm #15418White RoseParticipant
I can’t imagine how you must be feeling and I’m sorry for your loss as whatever he did to you, once upon a time you did love him.
Remember what he did to you and how he treated you. You were seriously injured by him, he was arrested, people took you seriously and saw what he’d done to you. It was wrong of him. You didn’t imagine it. He must have realised the enormity of his actions and must have known the penalty he’d pay over and above the penalty of losing you. He chose to take his life, you didn’t make him. Don’t blame yourself.
You may find you want to have a role in his funeral and to go and see the end to know he has gone, you may not. Whatever you choose do for you not for anyone else.
Sending love and hugs x*x
26th April 2016 at 8:08 pm #15431
I don’t want to go to his funeral, I can’t go I can’t leave the house I don’t even leave my room apart from to use the bathroom room. Does that make me a bad person??
Every time I close my eyes I see him hanging.🙇🙇 then I see hi. Attacking m., I feel so guilty. I don’t even know if I can live with what I have done. I feel so sad, but then I have moments where I am so angry with him, how dare he kill himself.
26th April 2016 at 9:10 pm #15440StarmoonParticipant
I am so so sorry for what you’re going threw. Please please continue to post on here. Please believe us all here. We are all here for you. I know it’s not the same as being there in person but we are all real ladies behind computers and phones and we really are all here to support you and keep you strong. This is not your fault at all. It really isnt !!! I hope so much that your parents are supporting you as much as you need. This is not your fault. I never considered suicide to be selfish before but I do now… And definitely in this case!! What hell you must have been living with someone who could do such things to you. You don’t have to arrange the funeral and you defiantly do not have to go. Validate your own feelings. He doesn’t deserve you now and he never ever did! You’re not a bad person. Please keep posting to us all here. Xx
26th April 2016 at 11:12 pm #15463DaisyParticipant
prisoner, sending you a big hug,
I haven’t posted on the forum for a while but have still looked in from time to time.
I can only echo what the other ladies have said,
You didn’t kill him, he did that himself, his decision, his acting on it.
You didn’t put him in that position where he felt he couldn’t face his future,
He made that decision himself too , knowing what he did and what the consequences were, but still acting as he did.
It could have been that he had killed you too,and that is why it is right that you were carried through these last few weeks as you were by those around you.
I have nothing but admiration for your parents, to go through this abuse is one thing that we all here have sadly experienced, to see our children
! whatever age they may be going through it to me seems even worse than it happening to us.
Prisoner I have been on and off this forum for many years, and in that time there have been many threats of suicide having a hold over ladies getting out of cruel hands, and several ex’s carrying out these threats.
The odds are more threats than actions.
To stay to avoid this, seems to stay and it continues, that threat will habitually come out, it seems, for as long as it works.
There has also been loses this way from desperate members unable to see an alternate way out and I suspect loses of members by the abusers hands beforehand too.
I can also say that in time, you will get through this, it will always have it’s effect , but you will get through this, as others have and have come back and updated us so.
Give yourself As much time as you need to cry and grieve and come to terms with the trama you have been through and the whole spectrum of emotions attached.
don’t do what you don’t want to regarding sorting out any affairs or arrangements, like you said others can take over those reigns, and prisoner hold your head up high, you have nothing to feel bad about.
You are only ever responsible for your actions not those of others
X x x
27th April 2016 at 9:22 am #15493godschildParticipant
How are you today prisoner, you are very much in my thoughts xx
27th April 2016 at 3:31 pm #15527Twisted SisterParticipant
please know that no-one, including you, has to stay prisoner under threat of someone killing themselves, no matter howhard that person tries to make their life the responsibility of someone else in order to emotionally blackmail them and try to force them into staying prisoner in a relationship.
Its so easy to say and not so easy to feel, but its true nevertheless. You can’t stop someone who wants to kill themselves and i am so sorry for your shock and trauma for being witness to this awful event, no doubt it was his intention for you to see this though so you would feel punished, but that doesn’t mean you have to take on his skewed view of relationships.
Its certainly not your fault, and only children are our responsibility not other adults, they’re adults right?
I am also very sorry for the awful loss you are grieving (hard to separate that from the awful times you eperienced with him but you still had feelings for him that need respecting whilst you grieve).
Arranging his funeral, this is your choice whether to or not, but certainly, again, not your responsibility and i would think its beyond bifficulty to do.
Heaps of strength to you and hopes that you can start to look forward to your own life now and thinking just of you for once xx KS
27th April 2016 at 5:42 pm #15536SaharaDParticipant
All of your feelings are valid. However feelings are not necessarily facts. It’s a matter of perspective. I am sorry for the lost of your marriage and your dreams and hope related to having a good marriage. I am sorry that your husband chose to take his life and plunge you into more distress and turmoil.
You feel guilty not because you actually did anything wrong. You feel guilty because he made you feel guilty and made you feel like you were responsible for his life. You are not responsible for his life. The only time we may be responsible for a life is for our own children but even then when they become teenagers and adults they must learn to become responsible for themselves.
It’s not your fault. You didn’t kill him. I can tell you that it is not your fault as I am someone with a mental illness who has attempted suicide and often thinks of suicide. This is solely my responsibility. I am the one who has to make the decision to ask for help to stay alive or make the decision to face my difficult problems and emotions instead of killing myself. I suspect addition to being an abuser, he also had obvious mental health issues.
You didn’t kill him. If you did, the police would have arrested and charged you with murder. I doubt very much you could have stopped him if he set his mind to it because he would have most likely taken your life too. In fact you were nowhere near him when HE MADE THE DECISION TO TAKE HIS LIFE instead of take responsibility for his previous wrong actions.
If you hadn’t left and hadn’t gone to the police he’d still be here possibly but you most likely wouldn’t be. He would have killed you (he clearly was dangerous all you broken bones!) and then be convicted of murder and then committed suicide most likely in jail because he couldn’t live with what he had done to you and to himself. I say it’s better than one of you came out of this alive rather than two of you dead. I thought the same about my marriage. I thought it was better for me to leave than have two families devastated by losing one spouse to the grave and the other to jail or in some cases both to the grave. You can and will recover if you are determined to do so. You can enjoy the rest of your life. You can achieve.
I understand why you are angry. You are angry because he never took responsibility admitted what he did to you was wrong and apologised and reformed himself from being a wife b****r. He was and certainly will be punished. He destroyed his own life and as far as I can tell that’s punishment enough and you are now free of him ever creating more wounds psychologically and physically.
As for the funeral: you do not have to go. If no one claims the body and arranges the funeral the government will arrange a pauper’s funeral and charge his estate.
You never said if you both had any children. But if he has children in addition to being married to you, his estate will either be sorted by a will if he left one or through the probate courts.
This is really nothing to get too worried about right now. Try to rest and recover you do not need to go to the funeral if you don’t want to. Possibly in a years time you will have to sort out things to do with the estate but for now concentrate on recovering and getting stronger.
You have broken bones no-one expects you to do anything but stay in bed for the next 6 to 12 weeks! When I twisted my ankle I was on crutches for weeks and had to limit all the activities I did and all I had was a twisted ankle!
Please look after yourself and let your parents and the authorities help you. I advise not to talk to his brothers in case they manipulate you while you are in such a vulnerable place psychologically and physically. Let them talk to your parents or a solicitor. You will need a solicitor eventually to deal with his will/estate but that is months in the future.
Last but not least I agree with everything all the other ladies have said and YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT A BAD PERSON.
29th April 2016 at 7:39 am #15785LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
Prisoner, how are you today sweetheart? x
29th April 2016 at 9:39 pm #15855CourageParticipant
Sending so much love, echo everything the others have said. Feel all those feelings but keep on living, you can move on from this, I promise x
30th April 2016 at 10:16 am #15906lover of no contactParticipant
Would love to hear from you when you feel like posting. Please feel free to share any distressing emotions or numbness you are feeling. You have been through so much trauma due to the abuse, but thank goodness you have survived with your precious life. You are a survivor and so brave. We are here for you to help you on the long road to healing. And what you share helps us too. We all need each other.
30th April 2016 at 11:26 am #15915MillionpiecesParticipant
I think all ladies here agree with me that We all in this forum thinking of you. We all know how hard is everything for you to cope this moment of your life. But it’s help so much just talk about it. Please let us know how you feel, I do hope even not in this forum you will find people around you that understand what you have been dealing to talk too.
Big hugs x
30th April 2016 at 1:20 pm #15926TurquoiseFairyParticipant
Sending lots of love to you and as others have said it’s not your fault. My ex died a couple of years ago and I totally understand all the mixed emotions you are going through. It’s not straightforward grief like when a parent or child dies because at one point you did love him and then he did all those terrible things to you.
It took me a long time but I finally learned to love myself and realise that I deserved to be treated well. I hope you can really heal now.
Lots of love TF xxxxx
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