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After totally ignoring my needs last night, coming to the house uninvited, waking me up, demanding to be let and being told no. I spent all of last night in a state of anxiety, had a very difficult and stressful twelve hour shift at work and I come out to find messages on my phone demanding to know where I am, when I will be back at the house, why I’ve ignored his calls…..I’m at work!?!?! I can’t go into specifics but it’s not the kind of job you can just answer a mobile phone or make a text. (detail removed by moderator)Is it just me!?!?! I told him if he did that I was staying at a friends if he was there when I got back. He’s now texting me, guilt tripping me, saying he’s having to sleep in his car tonight. He is unbelievable!?!, I’m unbelievable….I still feel guilty and sorry as well as angry. He didn’t care where me and my children where staying when he was on his crazy controlling abusive tirade refusing to leave the house or let us in!?!?! Please tell me I’m doing the right thing. I still feel responsible for him and he just doesn’t get it! He doesn’t get that he cannot behave with such little regard for boundaries. (detail removed by moderator)he told me he was fine with me, he’d done all he could for me and it’s never enough (by this he meant couple months of therapy that he wrongly thought would have him back in the house by Christmas!) because I won’t let go of the past ( the past being a few months ago when he made my kids and I homeless, stalked and incessantly harassed me and my family, made me go to court and told everyone he could I was an unstable n*****e because I walked away when I couldn’t take anymore bullying)….too d**n right I’m not letting go of it! It’s this exact behaviour that got him in this place and he DOES NOT SEE IT! How can he not see what he is doing??? He’s now guilting me about how I’m treating him by not wanting him in the house tonight. Please somebody tell me I’m not insane, I’m not evil and uncaring, I just need a bit of blooming peace. X*x
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You are not crazy. You are abused. Don’t try to negotiate with him. You’ve tried that before. He is a grown man. You are not responsible for him. He is making you very ill. He has had many chances. He won’t ever listen. You are back to being made to leave your own home again. Time to ring police? You need to save yourself.
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He’s left. I stood my ground but now feel guilty. Then I’m angry at myself for feeling guilty. Angry at him for making me feel this way. It’s just so manipulative. I’m sure he thought he’d talk me around this weekend, that he’d put off the house sale again and get to move in soon. I want him as far from me as possible right now. He’s sending me messages implying that I’m being ridiculous for telling him his behaviour is making me scared and anxious, mocking me. That’s not someone who cares or is changing their behaviour so they stop hurting people is it? Phew….deep breaths! X
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I’m just going to ignore his messages from now on unless it’s something I absolutely have to respond to. No contact. Boundaries. Great big concrete, barbed wire topped boundaries. I should be thinking about enjoying a weekend with my kids not this nonsense. I should be enjoying my work again not going in worn out before I start. I can’t let him do that to me again. X
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I know you are right Kip. I’m so pleased I stood my ground tonight. The old me would not have done that. I’d have spent the evening a nervous wreck, being worked on and manipulated. I’m just annoyed that I’m not free of this behaviour. Time for grey Rick, minimal contact and businesslike exchanges. He says I lead him on but I didn’t, I loved him and wanted to believe in him and he’s used that against me. He’s sick. Seriously sick and I need him away from anything close to me or my children. Thank god I have my children to make me keep him away! Ha you are right. It’s an addiction, as bad as any drug out there. X
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I think that part of the reason why we struggle so much post split is due to being blamed during the relationship & us being left with a feelings of being responsible but not able to fix it. My ex blamed me for absolutely everything & i turned myself inside out trying to fix & do better what I was being blamed for. Never did he take responsibility for any wrongdoing or apologise.
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Thank you Godschild! Alien stalker…I think we’ve all been there. I realise more and more reading posts here that they are the most boring predictable individual. They do nothing original, they all use the same tactics and the thing in common we ALL share is that WE ARE ALL FAR TOO GOID FOR THEM. Each and every one of us deserve so much better. X
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Me & my daughter call it man huffs! They throw temper tantrums just like a toddler not getting what they want. I’m in a similar position to you, I would love to go NC but we have a child so I can’t. Initially after I left him I was still txtn him, he was starting to push his luck by talking about sexual things he had never gotten to try, this was my wake up call! I realised I was still being controlled by him, still pacifying him for fear of retribution. I decided enough was enough, he’s broken & I cannot fix him. I am now doing the gray rock. It’s driving him nuts, he’s nice one min then nasty the next, I don’t bite. I keep my contact with him as minimal as possible. I only txt with regards to our daughter but even then it’s very simple yes no etc!! He even tried to tell me he’s had a death threat, tried to hook me back into txtn by asking if I was going to have him killed! I didn’t take the bait, he will learn I am no longer his prisoner to you with, they’re like children stamping their feet when they don’t get their own way. It’s not easy, sometimes I wobble & start to feel sorry for him…….my remedy for that is quotes about abusers that I have saved on my phone, all the nasty manipulative things he did, i read through them to remind myself just what he is!! Don’t let your heart rule your head, we cannot fix them, they don’t want to be fixed. They love having control/abusing it is who they are.
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I’ve reposted this before but it really helped me……..
You miss the good times, of which there were no doubt many because all our abusers started out as charming men – that’s why we got into relationships with them in the first place.
Here’s what stops me missing my ex – perhaps it will help you. I remind myself that my ex is a liar and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…
But he was lying the whole time. All the things he told me – all a fantasy. He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence).
The real him is a self-serving and nasty individual who I never would have fallen for if he had revealed his true self to me.
So you see I don’t miss him, but I miss aspects of the “fake” him – the one that was pretending to be nice to reel me in. Does my ex sound anything like yours? If so then put the “fake” him out of your mind – that man doesn’t exist.
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The other thing that reminds me they are not normal. In the past when I’ve broken up with someone, that’s it. We break up, we go our separate ways, we move on. With an abuser, like my ex, he wanted to stay friends, he wanted to stay hooked in as it’s easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one. He even suggested we go out in a foursome with my imaginary boyfriend and the woman he was having an affair with whilst rubbing my nose in it. Talk about gas lighting. And I sat a listened to his c**p! Traumatised. They actually cause our insanity by using theirs.
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Everything Kip said is spot on 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 We fell in love with an illusion created to make us fall for them, then their true nature is revealed you’re left confused & desperate to find the “real” him, it takes time to realise the real him is the abuser, the kind man you fell for never really existed.
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I so much agree with KIP & Moogie. I so much wanted normal as we were breaking up and post break up. None of it was normal and this trebled the trauma bonding and months of longing, desperation and confusion. I have had boyfriends in the past, it hasn’t worked out, so you split and go your separate ways. There is absolutely none of this months of severe yearning, its just ridiculous. Had my ex allowed a normal split I could have moved on with my life months ago but he played mind games to seize control and used a number of other abusive tactics to stay one up. X*X
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I remember my ex saying to me once ‘I either move in or we finish’ talk about pressure. I didn’t want him to move in with me. He wanted to move in my house with me, I believe as he would be more financially comfortable as he wold rent out his place and initially expected to do this and live with me free of charge. He felt that he were entitled.
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There is no such thing as normal with an abuser. They spend years conditioning us, making sure we’re under their complete control. Walking always is so much harder because you question yourself every step of the way. If I didn’t have this forum to keep me sane I might fall for the nice guy routine again. They get inside your head & are still there even when you’ve left. One minute I’m the devil the next I’m his soul mate, he can’t live without me etc. This is all done to cause confusion. I’m so much better now I’ve left him but I’m still a wreck & it’s going to take me a long time to get back to the person I was before he broke me.
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I am in the same position as you are Moogie. But isn’t it better being out of a horrible relationship than in it. I think about my ex every day, varying thoughts of good, bad and confusion, at the time that we were together he was definitely not a quality partner, below average. And I ended it because of this & was sure of my decision. Had it been left at that I would have quickly forgotton about him. But something that he did, didn’t do, said or didn’t say has caused me to be stuck in some sort of a mental prison. His ‘ghostly presence’ is still in my life and I cannot be sure why.
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Yes HA it’s so much better being out of the toxic relationship. I’m struggling with things that I had totally rationalised as normal/acceptable. I had been so focused on the impact he had on my daughter that I shelved any wrong doings to me. Now I’m away from him, things keep coming back. I have a long journey ahead of me but I’m getting stronger every day ☺️
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I can really identify with N********t Free by Zari Ballard, its cheap or may be free to read on Amazon. This was the book that was most helpful to me in explaining trauma bonding. Also this link is also fantastic. https://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding
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Thank you for the link HA I didn’t thing trauma bonding applied to me, but reading that its like it was written about me. I’m starting to remember the horrible things he did to me now. Things that I’d always passed off as normal. Just goes to show how much they mess with our heads. I will buy the book, I’ve read why does he do that & it was like reading a book about my life for the last X years. I can buy them now I’m free, I can do it without fear of him finding out.
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