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Hi, last year 2019 I kept a diary of all the times my husband insulted, abused and threatened to kill me, and just generally scared the hell out of me.
At the very least coercive behaviour, but no witnesses.
I was hoping this year to get the right advice and get out.
Then he lost his job, the Covid-19 thing happened and he’s totally changed tack.
Still not a nice person, odd flash of grumpiness which soon get dropped, but no insults or threats. Quite well behaved which is eerie.
I know it’s because he has no savings and no regular income, so he’s expecting me to support us both.
It’s happened before if/when he gets another job, it will go back to business as usual and I won’t feel safe again. But I’m reluctant to leave him in charge of our joint property and go somewhere else, which was what I was trying to resolve before all the problems started.
I’ve not a clue what to do, or how to get out or get help now he’s not really threatening me. So frustrating. -
This is the time you build your support network and plan your exit. Speak to your GP and have the abuse on record. Speak to your local women’s aid for support. Your diary is good evidence and also start to confide in friends and family because abuse thrives on silence. His change of tactics will only be temporary because they can’t keep the mask on for long. He probably senses your about to leave and will play at being nice for a while. Google the cycle of abuse. When things are calm, that’s when you get your ducks in a row. Get some legal advice about a non molestation order or an occupation order. Talk to the police. Threats to kill are taken extremely seriously. Perhaps the police can remove him from the property. It is worth a conversation with them to let them know what’s going on. The also have other resources they can help with like a door brace or a police marker on your home and phone. You don’t need to wait for the next abusive episode.
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I think that’s all very helpful and I will try to implement some of that.
My 3 grown up children all know about what goes on, but one lives overseas and doesn’t care, the other two, when he has money he throws it at them, and their houses are much nicer than they would be if he didn’t give them cash, and he organises home improvements and treats for them.
So they turn a blind eye as well.
My daughter actually didn’t believe he beat me up one time (detail removed by moderator) ago, as usually it’s mental abuse.
He talked his way out of it, not sure how, and she hasn’t spoken to me since.
Really awful man. -
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Good morning Tickleribber, welcome to the forum. I hope you will find it a supportive place to be. I can see that you have had some great support already.
It is very important to remember that domestic abuse doesn’t just include physical violence. Just because your partner isn’t using violence at the moment doesn’t mean that you can’t reach out for the support you deserve.
I am sorry to hear that he has tried to alienate you from your children; unfortunately, this isn’t uncommon. The threats he has made towards you are extremely serious, and as KIP has already mentioned would be taken seriously.
Women’s Aid Live Chat is available every week day morning, they could explore some options with you.
Best wishes
Lisa
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