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I haven’t posted on here for a while apart from private messages to KIP who has been a great support to me. I miss him. He isn’t in prison but walking about free to be with whoever he wants to be with. I miss him with all of my heart and the difficulty, that I’ve come to realise, is separating the beautiful times with the horrendous things he has done. It doesn’t compute with me and I really really struggle with it especially when I see him functioning around my work and going about his business as a normal person. Apparently I was the trigger for a lot of his anger despite the fact that I know he has a previous conviction for domestic abuse. He doesn’t know that I know. Every other night I want to get in touch and life is so so short that it breaks my heart because I feel so miserable without him despite some of the horrible things he has done. It has been two months no contact now and I imagine he’s with someone else and that destroys me. I keep thinking about all of the concert tickets he bought, the picnics, the other nights out, the amazing sex, just adoring him and wanting to be around him. It just feels like all a lie now. I then remember the other things like grabbing my throat and telling me to stop whimpering when I was crying through the night after it. Him holding me in a car for (detail removed by moderator) hours and not letting me out. Pulling over onto the hard shoulder if I spoke and threatening to run us off the motorway. He did that to scare and hurt me – he hadn’t lost his mind, he knew what he was doing and I have let him away with it. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone because part of me loves him so much and I wanted to spend my life with him and it’s torture not to be with him and then the other part of me hates him for what he did to me almost destroying me with his cruelty. I feel that if I can’t have him then I want him punished but there is no evidence to prove anything. I feel so so sad and that life just isn’t worth living without him. I know that I am doing so well compared to where I was a few months ago but I just want to cry. Saturday night and I’m in my bed alone and so exhausted over everything.
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Hey, weekends are always worse in the beginning I think because that’s the biggest void. Probably the weekends were when we spent most time with them. It’s not been that long for your recovery to seem noticeable but you will really have made huge steps. No I don’t believe they can change. I waited decades for my ex to change and it only got worse. Why would they want to change? In their minds there’s nothing wrong with them. The problem is always someone else’s fault. Our fault for not trying hard enough. For not having the dinner ready. For not looking or acting a certain way. For not being grateful for the abuse they hurl. They don’t have a problem with the way they act. They justify it to themselves. Hang in there. There’s still grieving to get through. For the future we thought we would have. Better things will come your way x
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Hi peacethroughhealing, oh I’m so happy to read you got away from your oh. As kip says it is early days, you aren’t going to have a ‘normal’ life for sometime. Each of us takes our own timescale and how we do it in our own ways. I read back how he treated me, how he made me feel when I feel myself thinking kindly on him. I remind myself he didn’t think kindly on me or my dogs or my children. It jyst takes time for the trauma to dissipate. I’ve had contact with my oh, I try to keep as neutral as possible, sometimes I do what I do to get through the time around him but when I’m away from him, oh it’s so good that feeling of being able to breathe. Once I’m totally out of this area, I’ll be absolutely no contact, it is truly the best way to get through the separation. I wish I didn’t have feelings for my dogs, that knowing she’d be in a crate all day till he got in from work didn’t hurt me so much, but I’m slowly breaking the ties that bind. I’ve arrangements in place for foster carers if the need arises. I’m getting me back and it feels so good. I eat what I want, when I want, I have a bath when I want and wash my hair at the same time and dry it(that used to drive him nuts, as it took so long)I’m wearing makeup again AND perfume. I paint my nails as there’s no one to moan about the smell but I still have days where getting up and out of bed and washed are too much to be able to do, but those days are getting less and less. I have a WA support worker and she’s been amazing. Life for thre6e now is good🦋
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Hi IWMB, I’ve not been on here as often recently. Reality has sunk in about who he is. I’m just trying to get on with things the best I can. I feel broken and putting one foot in front of the other to get by. Yes I think a lot more about the bad times and what he put me through. The good times creep in and make me very sad and I struggle so much with not being able to understand. To understand why a Loving relationship wasn’t enough for him. I helped him get sober for months and I supported him mentally through all of it and he threw it back in my face and abused me into the bargain. I hope so much that there is karma but at the moment he is flying high in his career and things have suffered for me to be honest. Where do I go from here. I’m so angry and I want justice but it feels like way too much of an effort and distressful time to try and get anywhere near to taking him to account for everything he has done. How are you doing?
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Hi PTH, I’m doing well. I’m still in contact for the moment but it is only till I get moved away and I can take my dog with me. I lost my own dog just before I left him, thought once I’d gone that would be that, a few situations arose and needless to say I’m around him but have no intention of going back to him 💪😊
Let yourself get strong before you take the next path on your journey. I dealt with who my husband was in the months leading up to leaving, I was like something out of the living dead, not sure how I’d have coped on my own or if I’d have gone back. I remember the feeling all too well😔 yes remembering the good times makes me sad too, I don’t even try to understand why he did what he did. Think the road to madness lies down that route. If it’s any comfort, karma will come around. I’m still practicing LOA, am thankful every day that I’m still not back living with him, and that soon he’ll not be in my life at all. They really have no idea how strong we are, and if I’m not feeling so strong some days that’s okay. I’ll fake it till I make it.
I feel as if I’ve met up with a dear friend speaking with you tonight. Bi làidir (stay strong) mo charaid (my friend)
IWMB 💞💞 -
That’s a really lovely thing to say IWMB and I feel the same. I have often thought of you and wondered how you were getting on when I hadn’t noticed any posts from you in a while. I haven’t been on the forum as much recently either but when I first found it I used to read your words along with others on here (like KIP who has been so supportive) and they really helped me when I’ve been so despairing of everything that has happened. x
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I can find the forum triggering at times but so far this past few weeks have been okay. I’m happy that I could help you, we’re the only ones who truly get it aren’t we. Kip is amazing, she’s always got such sage advice😊 I think we go through what we do so we can help others in similar situations. This is our time to break the cycle, hopefully girls entering relationships will be better educated and will not accept such patriarchal behaviours.
Love and light mo charaid
IWMB 💞💞
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