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Hello Everyone,
I haven’t been on here for a while but it was the anniversary (detail removed by moderator) of me leaving and I have been reflecting on the past year. I was in a very difficult relationship for a very long time and this is the fifth time I have left.
So what’s different this time ? Well I am, I have been in therapy for five months which has been incredibly helpful, challenging and hard work. I have read some really good books that have helped me to try and make sense of the behaviour I was subjected too. I am aware of love bombing , and trauma both of which I have had bucket loads of. I have been at times lonely and alone. I have felt lost and broken and had days when I had to force myself to get out of bed and wash. I had a massive wobble in the autumn, thank god for therapy because his charm almost worked and I was trying to figure out how I could go back to him , as it was put to me, you haven’t been able to keep yourself safe for years ! What’s changed ! Nothing at all had changed but the trauma bond was deep and I was falling for the charm…
After my wobble, I became much more consistent in my communication with him and weeks of none at all. I needed this head space.
So I think what I want to say is.. it gets better, I am happier and I no longer feel lost or broken, I have repaired relationships with my family and met new friends and saw old friends, I have swam in iced water and taken myself on holiday, I have reclaimed myself and no longer wake up in the morning wondering what kind of MOOD he was going to be in.
Yes I still get anxious and some days sad, I spent (detail removed by moderator) trying so hard to make a relationship work and yes it’s a process of grief and loss..
I have a long way to go, but I’m looking forward to the journey.
(detail removed by moderator) with a small suitcase wondering what the hell i was going to do .. what I did was survivre.. and I am so very grateful for this space for being here when I needed it most xx -
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