Online dating!

[Relieved]

I have just dipped my toe into online dating and I’m finding it a bit daunting. Have any of you any advice on how long to chat before meeting. I’ve had one guy pushing me to meet him after one message. I found that alarming so said no. It’s put me off straight away. Not sure I want to reply to anyone else now!

[KIP.]

Hey there. It might be a bit soon to meet anyone but i found it a good way to very slowly improve my social skills and confidence. Everyone is different. If you feel comfortable and feel a connection then meeting in a public place for a coffee is not a bad idea. However if youre feeling anxious, which i was in the beginning, then maybe its too soon. Dont look on it as dating. Look at it as a way to meet interesting people. My social skills and self esteem and confidence were so battered it took me years before i felt able to dip my toe in the dating pool again. There is absolutely no rush. These dating sites will still be there in six months or six years if you want to work on yourself meantime. I found it can also go the opposite way where you spend ages messaging then meet up and find that your not attracted to him. Just do what you feel comfortable with x youre in control. Dont be afraid to speak up and tell them its too soon for you. I think we are so used to trying to please others to avoid abuse. It takes time to recover x

[SunshineRainflower]

Kip’s right, there’s no rush. Only do what you feel comfortable with. I agree that meeting after just one message does not seem good, I think men like that are usually just after a ‘hook up’ and are to be avoided. I met a nice man on a site and we chatted for a few weeks about hobbies etc and he was very interesting. Unfortunately in person he barely said a word and I was not attracted to him at all, so I guess a balance in between the two is best. I used to meet them within a couple of weeks of chatting, as that gave me a good idea of whether we’d have enough to chat about in person but didn’t drag on chatting in case there was no attraction in person.

A word of caution, a lot of manipulators/abusers/sociopaths/n*********s use these sites because they can hide who they really are easily. I met my ex on a dating site and he seemed absolutely wonderful at first. In hindsight I am pretty sure he had profiles up throughout our whole relationship, pretending to be this single, wonderful guy.

Go with your gut. My ex had definite red flags but unfortunately I blamed myself for being ‘too anxious’ and combined with his convincing lying and the gaslighting which he began almost immediately, I kept going out with him and he ended up being my worst nightmare in disguise.

If your gut is flagging up warning signs but your conscious brain doesn’t understand why, just go with the gut every time – it is always right. For ages my gut didn’t like my ex and I just dismissed it as me being overly anxious, and it was right all along.

On the plus side, I know three couples who all met online and who are happily married now so there are decent men on there who genuinely want relationships, you just have to be able to spot them in a sea of idiots. Good luck with it and let us know if you are going on any dates 🙂

[Borntobefree]

Hi hun

I can’t even think about dating
Even though Ian talking to someone my self

He was also pushing me to meet
But my gaurd is way go high yer

He knows I have ptsd

And I will meet him in my own time

He messages wonderful memes etc

But I won’t be pushed I’ve learnt a big lesson from the previous relationship

My moto is ..he will wait ..if not bye bye

[Relieved]

Thanks, I think this guy is an abuser as he was really quite rude after I told him I wasn’t comfortable meeting him so soon. His message sounded like my ex – what was the point in me being on the site if I wasn’t willing to meet up and he was bored with the site!

On the plus I’ve been chatting on line to another guy who I have a lot in common with but he’s a bit far away which feels quite safe. I do feel ready to meet someone now as I tried before and defo wasn’t ready then.

Also I came across a guy online I know vaguely who I quite like and I’ve messaged him and he hasn’t responded – now I’m feeling really anxious and wish I could take the message back!

[KIP.]

Try to relax and not overthink. In a few weeks you will get the hang of it and wont feel so anxious. Some dont reply at all, some just send rude messages, some are really clingly snd want to move quickly to meet up. Just do what makes you feel comfortable. you can also block them if they make you feel anxious. In the beginning the anxiety would remind me of the the kind of anxiety that came with being abused. Its actually a kind anticipation and you will also get used to that too.

[Relieved]

Thanks KIP. I’m actually a bit scared now so have taken down my photo. Yes, I guess that anxiety is similar to how I felt with my ex. Maybe I’m not ready yet.

[KIP.]

The dating sites will still be there when youre ready x dont put pressure on yourself. I enjoy being single so dont feel any pressure. Just slowly getting back into the world.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun
Just becareful, def dont meet u after one message, and their colours do show up quickly, as for him getting rude, clearly his just after sex, lots of them are on site, i tend to test them myself , dont worry if u messaged someone and they didnt reply, half guys stop paying and cant see our messages and for the ones that are online but dont reply well u just were not meant to be , dont take it persoanlly, sometimes i dont reply to people either and its noting personal

[Relieved]

Thanks all. I have cancelled my subscription but finding this guy that I know on the site has thrown me. I heard through a friend that he likes me but not sure it’s true as he doesn’t seem interested when I bump into him. I’d started to feel attracted to him before I knew this and went on the dating site to take my mind off him but finding him on there has really put a spanner in the works – now I can’t stop thinking about him! Having not dated for decades I really am finding this difficult to deal with. I wish my friend hadn’t told me he likes me – ignorance is bliss!

[WalkerInTheRain]

Date only when you are ready.
Sometimes we can get caught up in what ourselves or other people think we should be doing with our lives post abuse.
Being advocated to get ‘get back out there’ can not only be misguided but also dangerous.

Have you been through the Freedom Program? It’s useful for spotting the warning signs for potential abusers.
When you are ready to date, take some time to think about what you want from a relationship and what behaviours/attitudes will be unacceptable to you. There will be some compromise but you don’t have to settle for less than you want and deserve.
There are plenty of weirdos online and you’ll be able to weed some of them out fairly quickly.
If you do want to meet up with someone, coffee in town is always a good idea as it’s in public, it can be as short (if it’s horrific) or can lead onto a longer date if it’s going well.
Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to say “thanks but no thanks”.

[Relieved]

Thanks Walkerintherain. I did just bin a guy, we’d been messaging on line and I started to think I wanted to talk to him on the phone as we had a lot in common but he then made a crude sexist joke which put my back up so I’ve now blocked him. It has actually made me feel in control again so that must be a good thing. In the past if a guy had made a joke like that I would have just laughed having been brought up on Benny Hill humour!

Also I can’t delete my profile completely so I’ve changed everthing – different name, age, place and I’m being messaged by the same weirdos who messaged me before. Think I’ll swerve dating sites for a while!

[Confused123]

hi

just contact the support team on website explain u have had a bad experience with one of the users and get profile deleted

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