Only (detail removed by moderator) attempts to leave and I’m still confused

[Oceanastar]

Hey
I’m still new and just getting my head around things. I have a wonderful support network of friends and family yet I still feel utterly alone, silly and guilty.
Alone – I don’t think anyone truly understands.
Silly – because I went back so many times only for it to fail.
Guilty – because I did stand up to him, I think that is why things got worse.
It took my boss to tell me I was being abused, my family and friends couldn’t get through and if I’m honest I’m still confused.

My ex my daughters daddy was really really bad on cocaine, not that I knew (how silly) and the guilt I feel for placing my daughter in this situation is eating me up inside.

I honestly thought I could get him through it but the relationship was toxic. I can’t quite admit or actually see the abuse because I’ve put it down to cocaine and I’m frightened I’m doing survivors of domestic abuse an injustice.
cocaine not that I know it or understand it took everything from me, my partner who I loved, my home and dignity.
I’m staying in families homes whilst he sit in our (detail removed by moderator) bedroom house crying that I have walked away. My daughter is without her daddy because he can’t be trusted to do the right thing by her and I have nothing.

I’ve dealt with hallucinations, accusations, lack of help and support around the home or for my daughter. I have been scared and threatened yet I still feel for him, I’m frightened he will do something silly to himself – he’s threatened that before.

Sorry this is a brain dump I just hope someone understands

X*x

[KIP.]

Hi there. What you describe is exactly what I felt. That guilt when it’s not our fault, the fear and the obligation that we are brainwashed by. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is a good book to read to help understand. It’s not your fault. He is responsible for his own behaviour and I’m sure you gave him chance after chance. You’re not alone, you’re not silly. Abused women return on average 7 times to an abuser. We are traumatised, brainwashed, abused. Knowledge Is Power so read what you can and educate yourself on their tactics and never blame yourself. Abusers are great at passing the guilt so they don’t have to carry it. Google the cycle of abuse. The power and control wheel, cognitive dissonance x it’s going to take time for your brain to process the abuse and counselling I found a tremendous help x

[Oceanastar]

Thank you I will read up xx

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