** out

[Lolabear]

I’ve almost been gone (timeframe removed by Moderator) but still coparenting, which has its own challenges. I feel I’ve been in survival mode this last (timeframe removed by Moderator), trying to push forward with the divorce, coparenting, mediation, threats from my ex to take kids away, financial issues around theorise. But the last few months I’ve been feeling stronger, have a new job that’s going well and looking to move into a place just the kids and me.

But as I’m starting to realise more about the emotional, financial, psychological and physical abuse I went through, I’m starting to feel quite sad about it. Especially when the more I realise, the more I worry about the kids when they’re with him. Thankfully the kids communicate well with me.

I’m doing ok, and the sadness is manageable, but I’m trying to pause the feelings until I’m more settled and the divorce is finalised but I think I need a good way to process it now as well. If anyone has any tips or advice, that would be so appreciated.

[Lisa]

Hi Lolabear,

Thank you for sharing. I think this is a really interesting and valuable perspective. How you’re feeling stronger and dealing with quite a lot of difficult practical steps, but aware that emotional processing is also necessary and that you deserve support to address that side of things too. You might find the Bloom website helpful, they have resources around healing from abusive relationships.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Cherries]

Lolabear , you can’t pause feelings very well. You can squash them down. Ignore them. Probably been doing it for years to survive already. But you are in a safer place now. Let it out if you can. It’s ok to cry. Sometimes feelings just have to be actually ‘felt’. And if we don’t allow this it takes its toll.

I have a meditation and yoga practise. A lot comes up when we sit still or go inwards. Mostly we’re running round or distracting ourselves to avoid feeling but yeah, that way leads to burnout. We don’t realise the extent of the overdrive our nervous system gets into, surviving this. If you were to drop our ‘new to the relationship’ self right into the end of it without the build up and gradual numbing and adjustment we make to get by, to make it work, we would probably have a meltdown right there and then.

Be kind to yourself you really need it x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I do agree with Cherries  completely that meditation was one of the best ways for me too. It helped me to learn how to just be with what you’re feeling. Neither tying to ‘get feelings out’ ( a kind of vain attempt to deny our feelings and avoid them, or to get stuck with them. Meditation just allows you to learn that these things will pass and move on of their own accord.
But I don’t know whether I’ll ever be without these deep feelings of sadness. I just think it is really sad what we’ve been through. Sad for our own lost years, but also sad for the perpetrators. Even thought I accept there’s nothing I can do for him. I feel sad for him.
I feel sad for myself too, and all the other beings that inevitably got  caught up in the disproportionate amount of damage that these people trail behind them.

[Author]

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