Overwhelmed

[Tiffany]

I’m feeling steamrollered by all the changes in my life. I am leaving my job, moving across the country to live with my parents, and I have the wedding of a family member coming up too. I’m glad for her, but I last saw my family together at my engagement party so I think it will be tough too.

I found myself missing my ex again tonight. He created a rift between me and my family, basically by making me feel like they judged and looked down on me. He then ‘saved me’ from my family problems. Logically I know this. But when my mum told me after being with me for about 2 minutes, that she was fed up about me talking about feeling anxious I wanted him to comfort me.

I’m fed up of feeling anxious. But I can’t fix that. I don’t even know what I want to feel better. I don’t want to go home but I couldn’t keep working. I feel stuck in an eternal cycle of non decisions and feeling down.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tiffany,

Just wanted to say I can relate to how you feel and I’m sorry you feel low today. I think it’s totally normal and human to feel the way you do. You’ve had a major life change in terms of your work, housing, location and partner. Be kind to yourself and like we were saying the other day, don’t rush the healing and put pressure on yourself to be feeling better before you do.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how society is not very good at letting people feel sad and grieve. It really helps to just admit we feel rubbish and be sad sometimes. Maybe just let the feelings come up. But have a plan for when you’re tempted to contact your ex, like read a list of all of his abuse, or ring the helpline, post on here, write in a journal etc

I know exactly what you mean about wanting the comfort of a partner, I think a lot of abusers hook us in with this and often seem unusually ‘caring’ initially. Mine hooked me in with sex, companionship and this comforting, caring listening ear. It was like a drug. They like to make sure we depend on them and ‘save us’ as it makes it much harder to escape them, and us much easier to control. I am coping with it myself by being my own best friend, ie cooking healthily, exercising, pampering and trying to let myself feel how I feel.

Well done for breaking free and facing these next painful but necessary steps. You sound very strong and resourceful. It sounds like these few months will give you a good rest and a foundation to build your next chapter on.

[Confused123]

hey hun

You are going through so many changes it si normal for u to feel overwhelmed and feel as if u miss ex, remember its this guy that has put u in this scenario, do not waste energy missing him, relocating shook me up like i never expected, but hey 2 years later im even stronger , families tend not to have patience or understand , this is why forums like this and survivors of abuse are the best support, we get it and never get fed up of being there for each another, you can do this

[Tiffany]

Thank you both. The big problem is tidying before I leave at the moment. A lot of my abuse was centred around not being tidy enough. I mean, I never could be. Once I tidied the entire flat. When I was done I was exhausted. I took off my slippers and my jumper, dropped them beside the bed and lay down. He came home and yelled at me for not putting my slippers away. Realistically my room will be a mess when my parents come to help me pack and leave. They won’t care much. It’s not that bad. Won’t take too long to sort. I just wanted mum to be aware it was triggering. But given that she is in denial about both my abuse and my chronic illness she probably isn’t going to understand that.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Tiffany

You have helped me so much recently and I really hope you realise you are a lovely person who only has good intentions.

Feeling anxious is perfectly acceptable and missing someone is also to be expected. You are missing the stuff a partner would normally do (support you when you are feeling low). Just remember for any good things he did, he also made you miserable.

Allow yourself to feel all these feelings and process them.

Finally, forgive yourself for not cleaning. Cleaning can be done anytime and like you said. Your family won’t care

Sending hugs x

[Tiffany]

I am through much of what I have to deal with. Still have boxes to unpack, but I have moved and I got through the end of work and the wedding. No pangs there for could have beens, which is a good sign. Still a mess of emotions. Should have been a good day. Got my final legal ties to my abuser severed. Also got a perfectly nice email from him, which made me shrivel up inside. I can’t explain this to anyone else. Nothing he said was wrong. Nothing overtly manipulative. He was just apologising for how things went. But he also blamed his stressors, and I broke no contact with and replied telling him that his reaction to his stressors was his choice and that he had been abusive. Fortunately he closed down the channel of communication, but I can’t quite regain equilibrium. I am worried that I really am an unrealistic b***h with overly high expectations of relationships. I tried to tell my Dad how I was feeling about getting the email, he basically said that everyone blames other people for their emotions. I understand it on one level, I mean, in the heat of the moment everyone has probably said ‘you make me so angry’ or similar to someone. But afterwards I reflect and generally realise that I had a bad day/am pre-menstrual/whatever and will apologise profusely if I haven’t managed to hold my tongue. It’s not the same as blaming work pressure for the fact that you terrorised your wife months after she left you. I’d accept ‘sorry I took my work frustration out on you, it wasn’t your fault’ as an apology. ‘Sorry work makes me angry and then I attack you’ isn’t. It’s subtle but it’s important isn’t it?

Then to cap off my day two lovely old ladies who have known me since I was a kid asked me about my wedding.

[KIP.]

Hey Tiffany. It’s such a positive step to get through the wedding and moving. Give yourself a big pat on the back. Any kind of contact with these abusers is toxic to us so I would block every means of communication with him. Sounds like some good counselling would be needed for you to talk out all your emotions and feelings. It’s upsetting when those close to us just dismiss our feelings so only share with people who you know will be supportive. Even if it’s the helpline on here x

[Annefantastic]

Yes, no contact is really important – its about not allowing your mind to cause you more suffering.
I set my email with a message to him ” your email has not been delivererd” . blocked him on facebook and sent a final email saying that all post would be returned unanswered and emails not received. Any contact could reach me only through my son (grown up) who agreed to this. Since then he has dropped all financial harrassment and agreed on some details he previously refused to settle – through email to my son.
I feel much safer. But that feeling safe thing comes and goes . I have to remind myself that I am safe when things trigger those feelings. I am grateful to have another chance to life free of fear.

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