Panic is setting in

[PorcelainGrrrl]

Hi,

My abusive partner has told me he wants a break from me (detail removed by Moderator).

He has turned on me because he told me I have (detail removed by Moderator) and I said it hurt me and we went to bed not talking.

That following day, he made no contact with me. The following day I reached out to him to say “(detail removed by Moderator)” – he sent me a message saying “(detail removed by Moderator)” – I text him that night telling him I loved him and then looked at his (detail removed by Moderator) this morning and he had (detail removed by Moderator).

I went to his to get my stuff and asked him if he was done with me. He said no but, he needs some time by himself and we need to both figure some stuff out. He said he wasn’t going to tell me what I had to figure out. This man has acted like he has adored me for (detail removed by Moderator), said he’d never leave me, and would tell me relentlessly that he loved me and I wasn’t alone anymore. (detail removed by Moderator), it was like he was dead inside. He couldn’t look at me. He couldn’t look at me. He was so cold.

I tried to talk it through and he said (detail removed by Moderator) and I said (detail removed by Moderator) and I left. No argument or conversation, he wouldn’t let me in at all so I just stayed cool and walked away and was kind.

I took some diazepam to ease my panic but, the panic is starting to overwhelm me. And I thought I felt relieved but now it’s wearing off. I adore him but, I know he’s an abuser. He’s given me the silent treatment a few times, he would shower with me with attention and then go quiet even in the beginning. He would become withdrawn or depressed if I went to see friends. He belittles me, he’s said I have (detail removed by Moderator), he says I’m (detail removed by Moderator), he has started controlling behaviours, he (detail removed by Moderator) without my consent because he didn’t like them. But he sandwiches this between declarations of how amazing I am, how beautiful I am, that he never wanted kids until he met me, that we should get married. And (detail removed by Moderator) I asked him if he still loves me and he paused for ages and said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ but that long pause didn’t feel like he really meant it.

I’m so afraid of being alone again and not knowing how long, this time apart will be. I don’t feel like I can talk to anybody. I feel like I’m going crazy and I know that even if he comes back, I can’t take him back. I feel helpless and hopeless. (detail removed by Moderator).

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome to the Forum,

You are in the right place. You will get lots of support here by reading the posts and writing out you feelings. You will move through these awful feelings. I can relate to your post. When I was discarded after (detail removed by Moderator) of marriage I knew that if I begged him not to go through with it he would relent but I didn’t I chose to give him what the letter he had sent me wanted which was a legal separation. I had to keep saying to myself to use my head not my heart. This was so hard for me to do but thankfully I did manage to be ruled by my head.

Honestly that is the right thing that you are saying “even if he comes back I can’t take him back.” Hang onto those words of yours. They are the way to go. The grieving will be so hard but it will pass.
Keep reaching out for support.

[Sungirl]

Try to write down how you feel. Also accept and feel your emotions, these are all normal reactions. This is something I have had to learn to do. You will have bad days and better days. Do you have friends or family you can lean on? Even just to meet up with. Do some things you enjoy as well to try and work through how you feel. It’s also normal to still love them even though they are abusive so don’t be hard on yourself

[Author]

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