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Hi,
This is my first time posting. I love my partner so much he makes me extremely happy and I love spending time with him. However, some of his behaviour is questionable. Since the start of the relationship he has always accused me of cheating on him. He has always called me names for example calling me a s**g. I have told him I don’t like it and asked him to stop but he hasn’t. He said when he gets angry he can’t help it and if I didn’t make him angry he wouldn’t do it. He’s pinched my arms really hard before and I’ve told him to stop but he just laughs and says he’s messing around. He makes me send pictures of the people I’m with when I’m out. He has asked me to remove pictures of myself and certain people off of my Instagram. He has broken up with me multiple times but as soon as I say oh it’s done he goes back on his word and says he didn’t mean any of it he was just angry. I am very confused because I love him and I don’t think he’s a bad person but I can’t understand why he behaves like this. My friends and family do not like him which has made it very difficult. He gets very angry when I want to go on a night out with my friends or a holiday and says I need to be a better girlfriend and that’s not how I should behave in a relationship. I am anxious of his behaviour as we can spend every day together for 3 days and the next day he will turn around and say this isn’t working let’s break up.
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Yes, this is abuse and it’s a pattern that will probably get worse over time. You may be in the early stages at the moment and so you still have quite a lot of power. This will wane over time and you will become more unable to see what’s happening.
Other people can correctly see what’s happening but until we see it ourselves it’s very difficult to break the cycle of these relationships.
it may be several more years or decades before you are able to break away.
If you become vulnerable the abuse will often escalate at that moment, or if they feel they have trapped you somehow. This means getting married or pregnant, having financial ties of any sort, being ill, having pets, giving up your job, or relying on him in some way.
If I could offer you any advice it would be to avoid doing any of these things until you are 100% sure that you are not in an abusive relationship. -
P.S.
You are not ‘making’ him angry. This is very symptomatic of abuser’s language.
Simply put, it’s blaming you for his abusive behaviour.
You are not to blame.
As far as “he can’t help it”, and not being able to control his anger, there are some simple questions that you can ask here to ascertain whether that is true.Can he control his anger with other people? His boss? People he wants to impress? His mates? Strangers?
If he can’t. He may have a mental illness or a behavioral problem. This will become clear as his life goes on and he gets into trouble for continually losing his temper with people around him.
if he can control his temper with others. Then it’s abuse. He’s only not able to “help it” with you. That’s a choice.
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Hi Lotso28,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. His behaviour that you’ve described is controlling and is abuse. That’s not an easy thing to process, no one falls in love expecting their partner to abuse them. It’s okay to take time with this. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)
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