People enabling his abuse setting back leaving

[bluedolphin]

Sorry. Not sure how to explain things when I’m too scared to give too much detail in case he finds this. I’m so sorry if I panic and ask to delete this later. I’m very scared of him finding it. I also feel stupid for still being at this stage. Still stuck, still not changing, still not got away.

Long rambling post below. Sorry. I completely understand if no-one reads. It helps me getting it all out if nothing else. I know I need to leave, but don’t know what to do if I can’t physically get to a refuge. I’m being stupid really. I probably could have tried to get out today. I’m not in the best state healthwise but not as bad as it can be. I think I just need to vent about it all first. I think I’m slowly moving towards leaving. I know it probably doesn’t seem that way. I am desperate to leave before an emergency so that’s my motivating force.

What really set me back was a recent ecounter with a sort of abusive GP. It’s now hanging over me, it wasted so much time that I’d planned to use to work on my escape, and I feel sick. I don’t know whether to deal with that first or focus on escape. I don’t think my partner will let me sort the other problem to be honest. He’s been fairly relentless recently (less physical violence, more violent threats, mental abuse, humiliation), but without it sorted, getting away is so much harder. I’ve been told by helplines my only option if I can’t get away to a refuge, is calling police (either before or during an emergency) and they take me to council for temporary housing. I am terrified of council hostels or B&B especially as it could be mixed gender. I want to escape him in order to recover my health and my life. I know I couldn’t deal with a hostel. I feel sick and trapped. Is it so bad to want to leave with some damage limitation? I’ve lost so much already.

In my heart I know I need to redouble my efforts to leave. I do still have some hope. I have to be strong to get over the latest setback. It helps venting here about it.

I have a relatively rare condition. I’ve faced a lack of belief by doctors. Finally had it confirmed by hospital specialists after a lot of tests, but GP continues to try to dismiss as mostly mental health. Reminds me of partner to an extent. Telling me I’m “mental”. Most of the doctors are at least nice, although patronising, but one of them, a senior partner, has been hostile and outright lied to me (told me recently my specialist told him I didn’t need one of my medicines. The consultant told me he had never even spoken to any of the GPs). It’s meant repeated battles for my medicines. Takes up time that should be spent on dealing with the abuse, and is so stressful. It’s a fluctuating condition but without the medicine I am often quite disabled, in a lot of pain, and face lasting damage. I’m desperate to avoid lasting damage.

I want to recover and start working again if and when I’m away from him. He’s taken so much away from me already. I’ve gone from saving for a house deposit when I met him, having a job, health, friends, to being in debt, unwell, isolated. I don’t have children (not by choice). I need something to live for, to hope for, and being well enough to work again is what I have. I am at risk of lasting damage if I don’t keep up my treatment and go for the procedure soon. I had to cancel several times because of him.

I feel sick thinking about the GP now. I feel like it is sort of similar to my partner’s abuse. They have power over me. I am dependant on them for my medicines, like I am dependant on my partner for money. They have delayed my leaving. If I wasn’t suffering abuse as well, I would follow up with a proper complaint, but I suppose the GP knows I’m in a vulnerable position and perhaps that’s why he behaved how he did. The reception staff were awful too. Forced me to say in front of other patients why I needed an emergency apointment. Knowing it might be about the abuse. This happened once before when I wanted to show them injuries. I ended up leaving it.

I feel a bit lost. I don’t know how much is abuse fog and me being scared of leaving (although also very scared of him) and how much is a real barrier.

I need enough medicine to keep me going if I leave for refuge. To get me there in the first place, and to keep me going until registering with new GP. It would help so much if I was able to have the procedure, aside from helping with the condition, it would be more proof for the new GP. Because my condition is relatively rare, it’s not understood by general A&E or 111, so I wouldn’t easily get an emergency supply. I know I’m wasting time panicking and being on here. I have enough for now.

I’m scared if I leave for refuge with this unresolved (if I’m physically ok enough to do this), the new doctor will deny me the medicine based on the current GP medical notes. I’m hoping the hospital reports will help with this, so I suppose I’m worrying for nothing. It really does seem to help writing things down here. I’m realising as I write things are not impossible yet. Just hard, and I do feel angry and upset that they added to my problems.

I have to keep telling myself to get out. The fear has started taking over. It’s got to the stage where he doesn’t have to ever hit me again because I am so scared of what he can and threatens to do. He knows I’m scared of him and seems happy about that. I’m scared of him to the extent that I can’t even go to the toilet when he’s out drinking because I don’t want to be caught away from the exit (front door) when he gets in. I know that’s not normal. I’m sorry for all my venting here. I feel embarassed about not having left yet. I really hope I can post on here one day soon to say I’ve made it out.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello love,
There’s not much I can say but just wanted to say I read this and I feel for you.
I feel it is really, really good that you are aware enough to post here. It sounds
like you have a good handle on the issues and your own feelings which is worth a lot.
I get it with G.P.s. There are so many out there with next to no training.
I really hope you make the leap into refuge and find your way.
May the Force be with you hon.
big hug
ftc
x

[Tiffany]

I have a condition which some GP’s don’t believe in. One of the good things is that I have found new GP’s like to make their own assessment – they often reorder tests I have had before, but they also ignore the conclusions of previous GP’s. It’s irritating, but it does mean that when I get an unhelpful GP I just ask to see someone else next time and they take their own opinion rather than relying on others. See if you can get the medication before you get out, but don’t let it stop you if you can’t. If it is a fluctuating condition it is almost certainly being made worse by the abuse – abuse causes tremendous strain on our bodies. You will find the strength to get your medication once you are out if you don’t get it before. Unhelpful GP’s are a nightmare (as are GP receptionists who demand explanations infront of the waiting room) but at least if you get out you will have a new GP.

[bluedolphin]

Thank you so much, ftc and Tiffany. I’m stunned either of you managed to make it through my post. I’ve just re-read it, and it’s ridiculously long. So sorry. I think partly I’m too scared to write anything more clearly in a shorter post because it would be easier for him to find and read it.

My health hasn’t been great the past few days so I’m not been able to reply sooner. Ftc, your moral support means so much. I’m feeling increasingly upset (actually, it’s turned to anger more than upset now) and let-down by my local services. This forum and the people on here has made a major difference. Given me some confidence. I suppose perhaps because everyone here understands about abuse when some professionals don’t.

I know you’re right. He definitely makes things worse. Has stopped me getting to health appointments, the stress and everything else does make my health worse. Until recently I thought my GP was so supportive and understanding, and that made the thought of leaving for a new area more difficult. Now I’m looking forward to trying a new GP. May not be better but won’t be worse. The thing that makes me most annoyed is this surgery has prominently displayed posters about being “domestic abuse” aware.

I’ve set a sort of date to try to leave. I’m still scared but know I have to try.

[freedomtochoose]

Well done bluedolphin,
I too am still shocked how some (but not all) professionals have little or no
specialist knowledge about domestic abuse, despite the noises they make.
Still, all the more reason to keep posting on here, eh
ftc
x

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