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I used to post a bit a few months back. I am still not convinced that my marriage is abusive, but I know I don’t feel heard or supported. Any time I think I should lean into my relationship a bit more I am reminded of why I am so cautious.
For me the catalyst for joining this forum was when he threw his mobile phone at the wall for very little. I was left devastated and began to open my eyes to other little things that have gone on over the years.
I thought I was doing okay standing my ground, but I feel things slipping again. I suppose I just want to reach out to you all. It’s a bit like living with the enemy. -
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I went as far as contacting women’s aid. I had an appointment to see someone and then backed out as I thought I was going too far.
He used the fact that it was his phone and not mine to diminish his behaviour, saying I was overreacting. Perhaps I am. I doubt myself so much.
I can’t decide if my marriage is just unhappy or actually abusive. He has never lifted a finger to me physically. -
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Even if it was just unhappy, you don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage. Read ‘living with the dominator’ by pat Craven. If you can speak to women’s aid, they will explain the control tactics used. Throwing a phone is physical violence. That’s his way of showing you what could happen to you if you don’t do what he wants. It’s subtle control through threats of violence.
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Hi. I think it would be worth it for you to explore it with the Freedom Programme or through this forum or talking with a domestic abuse adviser. You will recognise incidents or a pattern if they exist. When I went on the Freedom programme I thought I was going about my first domestic abuse experience. At first everything only related to that. But then, over time I began to see domestic abuse and violence was scattered throughout my history to the point that I wondered how I was still surviving it. One of the ways to survive it is the creative way the mind rewrites the facts so that these experiences don’t floor us. We forget or minimise so that we can keep going. You will hope to find that you are not a victim of abuse because by default we tend to think it happens to someone else not us. The other issue, however, is how the abusive person works pretty consistently and repetitively to convince us that we cannot trust our own perceptions. They will tell you, with equanimity and confidence that black is white and night is day. Your husband dismissed an act of violence by claiming he was, in effect, doing it to himself because it was his phone. But he threw an object across the room with force when someone else was in it. Acceptable in a neighbour’s house or at work? He treats your private space differently. Your body space is not a place for him to vent violently. Why did he throw it? What was his frustration? What was he not getting that he wanted? Lifting a finger to you physically is only one way of enforcing control.
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Hi Memand,
Even though he hasn’t been physical with you, throwing an object is a threat. I understand that every now and then anybody can go a bit overboard and throw something in temper. But if it happens more than a couple of times, then I’d consider it a threat.
My husband does this. In the beginning I thought ‘Whoa! This is like an Italian movie!’ – I thought it was a one-off. But then it became a pattern and I didn’t find it funny at all. I knew straight-off that he’s threatening me every time he threw something, first near me, then at me, then me. And whatever label you give it, abuse or not, it isn’t good.
But I can totally identify with you in terms of your confusion and backing out. I’m doing exactly the same right now. You kind of know you should leave but it’s hard to make that final decision because he’s not so bad at all times. But the point is, which you have already said yourself, that you’re unhappy. Now fast forward 10 years from now. Will you be happy if you stay?
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