Perp lying to the police- manipulation

[Cherrycake]

I was assaulted for the final time at the weekend. It was terrifying and I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve been aware that he is claiming I slapped him or antagonised him every single time he hurt me. He manipulated me so much that during our relationship I believed him. He made believed that I slapped him one time, and I actually found a message saying how much pain I am in from him beating me but I shouldn’t have slapped him. Obviously because I found that message, he found the message too.
Now I feel sick of worry that I will be blamed for something I did not do. When somebody you love tells you every day that it’s your fault, you hit out first, for some stupid reason I believed him. I know now that’s all lies and I was being manipulated. But obviously that message is evidence, in his eyes to get away with what he’s done. My heart is breaking. I’m worried that I will be on trial.
When the police took my statement at 1am 6 hours after it happened, I was I pain, my head was hurting and I was exhausted. They asked me about previous incidents and I couldn’t remember in detail. As the days have gone I remember everything. Like a cloud has been lifted from me and all of the truth has been revealed. I blocked all of the incidents out for so long and pretended that they didn’t happen. Am I entitled to make another statement or is it too late?
I hate all of this situation, I should not be even worried in the slightest about being blamed for this, yet I am. He’s manipulated me to make me feel this way and now my anxiety is through the roof.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated as I am still waiting for any type of contact from support services, even though it happened on Saturday.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello Cherrycake,
First I am really sorry this happened, and it is very brave of you to post here.

It is understandable that you were hurt (and are hurt) and exhausted when you gave the statement.

I don’t know the specific answer to your question (I’m sure someone else will though) – it must be difficult to wait for responses . In the meantime can you contact Victim Support? I understand they have people who will be in solidarity and come and visit if needed. Women’s Aid? Rights of Women?

Having said here that I don’t know the answer to this particular situation, I do know the underlying tactics very well, especially the psychological ones, and how they tend to make us feel i.e. that we are the ones to blame, somehow, which clearly isn’t true.

The truth is, there is no excuse for assault, no excuse for manipulation. You have got yourself away lovely. Which is a tremendous achievement. As you say, the fog is gradually lifting.

It is very very common that when we start talking about what they did or are doing, then counter accusations are made. Untruthful ones. If it is at all comforting, I’m sure the courts and the police see this every day and decent ones look at the whole situation – not the words or a single text.

I found it incredibly difficult that my ex often accused me of being angry (which I sometimes was at his behaviour – something which looking back is not at all surprising). I never hit him but he tried to portray the whole thing as my fault and in the end his actions I Felt weren’t taken seriously by the court as it looked to them as if we were both equally at fault. I really wasn’t in a position at the time to vocalise everything that had happened, I was so concerned and wrapped up with my main priority which was my child. Who stayed with me, thank heaven. And I was too terrified of losing my child, something which all abusers know and exploit, we know that is how coercive control works, don’t we?

What he was saying didn’t add up because he had taken control of the finances completely and I literally had no where to go and nothing to go with. I left with twenty quid in my pocket and two bags. His rationale at the time was that I was somehow ‘irresponsible’ and ‘mentally ill’. How come I had managed a household independently of him for many years and made all spending decisions successfully for years and anyway(Whose mental health wouldn’t have suffered living with someone like that?). A few years later financial abuse was recognised as a crime, but it was kind of too late for me, and I suffered dealing with the aftermath of psychological abuse – and manipulation and still do, as not many people understand how it works and how devastating it can be.

Sorry not to sound more positive, I@m sure other ladies will have further advice and no doubt comforting words. Well done for making it this far

all best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

You are not to blame and every single person knows you’re not to blame. They gaslight us so much we have trouble with reality. I too was traumatised after the police were called. I subsequently gave many many more hours of statements. These men lie and justify their behaviour. My ex told the police nonsense about me and I was terrified they would believe him. It’s how we have been brainwashed over the years by abuse. Even if you had slapped him, which you didn’t, there is no justification to beat a woman. I would probably have let things go if he had pled guilty and walked away but by accusing me he brought out the survival instinct and I knew then it was my chance to tell the police everything. Then he is their problem. You may find he has done this before to other women. You’re statement may be just another in a long line. I don’t regret reporting him as it started a chain of help I wouldn’t have otherwise got. I even report the sexual assault. How dare he do those things. There is simply no excuse. I’ve replied to your other post but do not blame yourself for this. He is responsible for his own actions and he chose to behave that way. My exes excuse for assaulting me was unbelievable. Yet he justified it to himself. Try to do some mindfulness meantime. Get some good counselling in place and ring the helpline number on her to talk to someone. You will get through this. I was decades with my ex and am thriving now and help others where I can x

[KIP.]

I remember being asked to explain something he said. I simply replied that he just made that up. It never happened. You know the truth. Think of the truth as a rock in a choppy sea. Just you hang onto that rock and don’t let go x

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