Pettiness

[Anonymous]

Some very serious stuff has happened between my boyfriend and I since we got together (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Scary physical violence to the extent I have feared for my life. Police action. Courts. Divorcing my ex husband. Arguments with friends.

Obviously this is wearing. But it’s the small stuff everyday that upsets me and makes me feel like a non person.

Yesterday we had argued and I cried and screamed and writhed around the floor and had to stop myself breaking things. But then he had called me and calmed me down. We had dinner at the pub. Went home, made love, cuddled. Went to sleep. Woke up. More lovely cuddling.

I went back to my family home to grab some stuff out the dryer. I am headed to (detail removed by Moderator) to see my folks and meet up with my kids who have been with my ex over Christmas. I met up with my bf at the pub in the station. He was there to see me off. He is not allowed to see my kids and he doesn’t want to meet my folks so he isn’t coming. Anyway that’s just how it is now… Today we are happy. I complemented him on getting a good table. Drank a beer he recommended. Walked to the bus station. I told him a joke on the way. All lovely and funny.like any normal couple. Hand holding. He is carrying one of my bags.

We get to the bus station and i say I am going to buy a sandwich before I get on the coach. I look at the selection in the shop. I am not very impressed. I am stupidly fussy about sandwiches. (detail removed by Moderator) I denergrade the selection light heartedly and choose a (detail removed by Moderator) one. I pay for it and a drink and crisps and go outside the shop. I can’t see my boyfriend at first so I call and then text him and find him behind a pillar.

He asks me what sandwich I chose in the end and I tell him.

This is the turn. The sixpense turns when the nice day is over in a flash. He says, you chose that minging sandwich?

Yes baby I say nervously but you won’t have to eat or smell it? And the other ones were minging. I got the best of a bad lot.

You f*****g liar he says. (detail removed by Moderator) I am not having this. I walk after him saying … (detail removed by Moderator)

I am aware of how ridiculous it sounds. Even more ridiculous is that he continues walking off and I, struggling with sandwiches and heavy bags run after him down a busy road. Dodging tourists and travellers and suitcases, calling after him.

I catch up with him and he shakes me off. I stand leaning on a corner catching my breath. My first thought is sod the coach, I don’t want to leave for (detail removed by Moderator) like this. I should follow him and sort it out. Then I remember last (detail removed by Moderator) when I ran after him in a similar way several times crying and begging, missing train after train until I caught a train that got in to my parents village around (detail removed by Moderator). My dad had come to collect me at the station, exhausted as he goes to bed early normally, saying “… Where have you been?”

Anyway so this time I did go back and get the coach. But this kind of thing happens all the time. We have just had hours of back and forth text chat debating over whether I am a liar because of these sandwiches and should we break up and why do I hang on…

This is almost as bad as the hitting, punching, pushing… Ok it’s not but it’s so wearing. I have made a decision to stand by my bf who has attended a programme and worked so hard to change himself. But I do lose a lot of time being called a liar over really petty things. I get sucked in… So hard not to get bogged down on it.

Rant over.

[KIP.]

Hi there, I know what you are going through and its not about sandwiches. It’s about him getting his kicks from abusing you. He loves the power he feels when he treats you this way and makes you feel so awful. He probably didn’t want you to go and instead of saying, you go and have a nice time, I will miss you honey. He kicks off hoping his cruel behaviour will get him what he wants. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. He will never change his behaviour for any length of time but you can change yours. You deserve better and abuse only gets worse over time. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a boyfriend you can share your kids with. Women’s aid were a great help to me. They run a course for abused women that helps you understand how dysfunctional abuse is.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for replying.

I am literally crying.

I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about what is happening/ has happened because I have cancelled all the counselling I have been offered as it upsets him and I have become alienated from close friends. Because one time I did tell my friend about an attack and she called the police, I am constantly trying to prove I am not a blabbermouth or a drama queen. As such I have to pretend to everyone I am ok all the time. Hide bruises. Carry on with my job. Tell people he is the nice guy most people see him as.

This is the first time I have had a platform and it is just so nice that someone cares and understands.

We just had another argument over texts where he said I was being mono syllabic. I have been giving yes/ no answers as he keeps saying I am a politician. He then said he will find someone else to talk to (implying he will go and flirt with other women online like his ex girlfriend or neighbours who all think he is handsome and lovely and charming.

Thanks so so much

[EeyoreNoMore]

Oh hun, I feel your pain. Unfortunately his behaviour is textbook abuse. If you are working can you get a copy of “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft delivered there and have a read?

Please do try and get as much knowledge about abuse as possible, including The Freedom Orogramme and calling Women’s Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. The more knowledge you have the more powerful you will become and hopefully find the strength inside yourself to become free.

If your best friend was with a man who was treating her this way would you advise her to stick by him no matter what? Even if it was obvious his treatment programme wasn’t working.. ?

Keep posting here and we will keep supporting you as best we can. The ladies here are amazing – as are you xx

[Anonymous]

Again, I am crying with gratitude at having someone to talk to.

A close friend works for a women’s charity and through her I have learnt quite a lot. I have had to stop seeing that friend as it bothers him. I am still learning but the research I have done indicates that my bfs behaviour is text book. I keep going back to him though. It sounds hard to believe but there is so much to like about him. He is classic Jekyll and Hyde. Because of the nature of the relationship we are so close and intense. It’s so hard to imagine being without him. All my dreams and aspirations are wound around him. We have holidays booked and (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator)… I don’t know who I am without him… Classic Stockholm fodder.

It’s heartening to know that there is so much support out there though. Maybe I will get some strength together.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the tip about the book x

[Serenity]

Bless you, Lost.

I agree with the above : it’s not about the sandwiches, it’s more his passive ( or maybe not so passive ) aggressive response to feeling jealous that you are going to spend time with those you love, and that he isn’t centre of attention.

My ex would do this all the time: create drama, and try to sabotage important moments for me.

Attending the Pattern Changing course offered to me locally changed me so much. A similikat course, the Freedom course, might be offered in your area.

I’ve begun to see how pathetic these idiots are. Maybe if they invested as much time and energy saving polar bears or helping the homeless, their lives would be more worthwhile ( rather than trying to make their life one big drama, where they play the lead role).

[Lightness]

Dear Lost

Inside you are the person you were when you met him. Most probably an optimistic, caring, strong, resourceful, happy person. That person is still in you and you can find her again and help her heal from the abuse. It is hard to put an end to the cycle of abuse – but you have made a really big step already by realising what is going on. You are a survivor. You have found an important support network here and we all want a better future for you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much. Will look into both x*x

[Anonymous]

That’s such a heartening thing to hear.

I really do feel like I have lost my old self and don’t know where to find her.

I do know. I need to find her on my own. The idea of being on my own scares me but I don’t feel so alone now. This forum feels like magic. It sounds dramatic but you guys feel like fairy godmothers fluttering down to help just as I feel desperate.

[Author]

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