Physical abuse

[Velveteenbun]

after we split up my ex becane physically abusive on several occasions. I have always felt partially responsible because I have done things that provoked him. For example the first time we had a fight and I said things in anger I knew would provoke him l. I never thought he would hurt me but I shouldn’t have said what I did. Another occasion I had a boyfriend at my house and I feel like I shouldn’t have done while our son was there again I knew that would provoke him.
My support worker says nothing ever justifies physical violence. Can I let go of the majority of blame for his violence, I feel like I need to stop feeling like he is a victim and I am so guilty of everything to be able to move ahead with everything because what I intend to do is going to cost him money and hurt him and I can’t go through with it lugging around all the guilt.
Why is it so hard to accept they are responsible for things why do we hold so much of the blame for thibgs ourselves

[Strube]

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Towards the end of my relationship with my abuser I would say things that I knew may provoke him, but they were truthful and never justified physical abuse. I had to stand up for myself, I had seen through his lies and refused to accept them anymore. He of course hated it. Looking back this was a very dangerous thing to do so I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

If it helps you to view him as a victim there is no shame in that. I believe my ex is a product of his upbringing, and I am sad for the little boy he once was. However, that doesn’t give him, or any abuser, an excuse to harm another person.

Recovering is a long process and the guilt you feel is a natural response to the abuse you have been a victim of. It is common for an empath to blame themselves. These feelings you have aren’t permanent, and they will pass.

Stay strong. You may cost him some money and hurt him, but his actions are the reason you’re having to do this. He could have walked away before laying a finger on you. I teach my children that bad choices result in consequences. Your ex made a bad choice when he abused you (and yes it was a choice, you didn’t make him do it), now he must face the consequences of his actions.

You’re doing amazing x*x

[Serenity]

Hi There,

Those who are oppressed often end up fighting back in the end.

Something happens: we feel we can’t act like the oppressed victim anymore. We start to fight back.

I think my standing up to my ex was the reason he left- maybe to punish me. Maybe he would have returned if I had promised to become subservient again, who knows.

I told him he was a n********t. The old me would have been too terrified to have done this. I would have been petrified of the fall-out. Looking back, I took a risk. He could have done something bad, but at the time I wasn’t thinking about whether it provoked him: I just wanted to assert myself. ( In fact, I do believe he was plotting to seriously hurt me.)

Your ex had no right to hurt you physically. He should have walked away. It’s understandable to me that you were beginning to assert your independence. The oppressed invariably rebel. But you were just expressing yourself, projecting your voice, showing him that you had choice. This wasn’t a justifiable excuse for him physically hurting you. xx

[Ayanna]

You were probably right for saying what you said. Why is his response violence? If you had the same discussion with another man he would probably not have responded with violence.
Violent men have a sense of omnipotence. They are n**********c. They cannot tolerate being wrong or being told off. Not being treated in a submissive way irritates them, as they expect women to always bow to their words and deeds.They have a twisted sense of reality. Whatever they do is right according to them. They feel they are above the law.
Do not feel guilty. This man is not normal and you need to find what is normal. You will find it and then you will realise how wrong everything was that you had experienced with him. Your feelings of guilt will vanish.

[Author]

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