Planning to leave – what are my options?

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Hello all, im new to the chat! Finally feel brave enough to leave indefinitely! Have left the country in past (removed by moderator) times to set my self free but with limited choices and cohersion found my self back in uk in the same situation over and over – many broken promises and not enough self-esteem!

Finished uni, got my driving license and have a good paying job that covers my expenses – truly blessed and a fighter!!! (It took loads mental strength and carriage to follow through with each element – living with a n**********c, jealous, gambling, ego driven wifebeater? 🤔 perpetrator – is the term!) with all going well and in place i feel more independent than ever before… it is time to brake the cycle!

Started by cutting off in house contact or atleast tried to minimise – can be dangerous i must say!

“(removed by moderator)” – he says.

Started to open up with new people i met at work. People who i could feel safe, comfortable and supported by – sometimes it is just the empty space to tell someone that helps.

With that in mind, knowing i have nothing to lose and will have people standing by and my future will only get brighter once he is out of my life – i know I’m going to make a life changing decision and it will be the best most important one in my life. – been hold of from my normal/natural self for (removed by moderator) years this year (only turning (removed by moderator) this year). Feel like my identity became 0 – mirroring people, although i think i have started to rebuild my self at work 🙂

Ok, my question and thoughts are:
– going to refuge
Which i dont want to do as im renting on my own and have dependent children and this would mean changing schools 2 times!!! But this feels like the proper exit plan leaving all behind and cutting off contact – it feels real.

– police and molestation order
Do you tell your self i will call them when he ramps again? But never do it?
I like to plan and would find it easier walking into police station and disclosing harasment and getting the m. (removed by moderator) – is this exit route safe or isit piece of paper waiting for something to happen?

– council housing
My work is quite a distance in different city! So maybe approaching their council and saying i want to relocate due to dv and my work is close, they might put me on theirs priority list. However where will i be placed! Been moving all my life and want to settle now but been manipulated at my last council when i was being evicted asking by the manager to send him a photo if i want to stay in my area 🙁 – once my head is free i will be reporting just need to focus on what’s important right now.

Another option is save money and get private housing – but we all know the difficult journey of a single mother on universal credit…. And i dont want to wait anymore.

Well im looking forward to replies and wishing all a safe half-term! – go and visit your friends and families 🙂

Blessed day!

[Lisa]

Hi Icanbuymyselfflowers,

First, welcome the forum.

You clearly have accomplished so much and have overcome many challenges to get where you are now and you should feel very proud of yourself. It’s great that you have come here to share your experience where you can both inspire others and receive advice and support from women who relate to your situation.

With regards to going into a refuge, it would be a good next step to have a thorough conversation with your local domestic abuse service who can go over all your options and explain how services like refuge work, so you can get clarity on how to move forward in a way that best suits you and your children. They are a free service as well, so use them as you need.

A refuge is a safe house which offers temporary accommodation for women and their children. There are refuges throughout the UK which provide a place of safety for any woman who needs to escape abuse, married or single, with or without children. There is a full breakdown of refuge accommodation along with frequently asked questions here.

There are a lot of factors that are involved when a council considers re-housing you. A housing advisor should go through all of the details with you. If you experience any problems, you could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service who will be able to offer you support with how to deal with the council. They can advocate on your behalf to help you be rehoused.

It’s always good to keep records of any/all incidents of harassment and abuse to the police (101 if it is a non-emergency). This helps as evidence as well, if you find you need to secure an injunction as an order of protection. You can contact Domestic Violence Assist (a specialist injunctions service) on 0800 195 8699 (24/7).This is a specialist service for Non-Molestation Orders and legal advice. They provide a free, fast emergency service to survivors of domestic violence.

I hope this information is helpful. Keep posting here to let us know how you get on.

All the best,

Lisa

[Footballfan1]

Hi Icanbuymyselfflowers,

Wow your post is amazing, so full of optimisation for the future.
It’s lovely to hear and so very true.
You sound like an independent lady.
Can you contact your local domestic abuse team for advice?

I’ve been dealing with some legal proceedings that I can’t disclose on open forum, but I’d be happy to let you know my experience if you want to PM me.
I would be totally honest with my experience.
Above all, do not lose your optimisation and positivity through this if you can.
I know it’s difficult but it can keep you fighting.
I’m saying this because I often lose my resolve and fizzle out, to then get angry about a new incident.
I believe I could have got further through my journey if I didn’t wobble and feel guilt and remorse for my ex.
We need to remember abusers don’t feel empathy for us.
Take care and keep posting x

[Footballfan1]

I’m sorry to hear what you have been through.
It truly sounds horrendous.
I don’t have any experience with refuges, hopefully one of the ladies will be along at some point with advice.
From what I am aware, they won’t place you anywhere that you can be traced back to.
Because he knows where you work, unfortunately there is an opportunity for him to find you.
An option is a non-molestation order like you mentioned.
This protects you from intimidation, harassment and can stop him turning up at your place of work.
I’ve sent you a private message back with a bit of detail on my experience.
Take care and keep posting xx

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Im continuing posting…

Yesterday, I have found videos of him cheating with all sorts of women.

Not surprising, no feelings awoke, actually I’m glad.

I have the copies now. And this can help me to get him out. It’s a prove.

I have packed his clothes and tomorrow I will go and change the locks and put his close out and send him the videos.

I am hoping this is enough. But im going to use the online chat now and squire about lawyer and molestation order.

This is my opportunity. I have to take it.

[StrongLife]

Sorry you are going through this. Having children is difficult to plan escape.

I am thinking you need to speak to specialist domestic violence therapist for help.

I went out via refuges. I had no cash and limited time. I would suggest this as they put plans in place to help you move on, safe housing etc.

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Hello, good news!
I have changed the lock on (detail removed by moderator).
Called the police on (detail removed by moderator).
There was no arrest I have just asked police to ask him to leave. Case closed.

It’s the weekend now and I think he will try to come back.

I don’t think there was any order to keep him away.

What were your next step after he was out the house?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, once I got him to leave, I informed my GP, Found a DA trained solictor and had free 30 mins with a few solicitors, i emailed my local Citizens advice bureau who then sign posted me to specialist DA/DV help. I went on the Freedom Programme and another follow up course to help myself and to not get into an abusive relationship again…

(detail removed by Moderator). My experience of this DA journey is I have had some amazing help and support but have also been let down along the way by professionals… I let the police aware everytime he finds a way to contact Me, they do not do anything other than log it.

Yes you have made a life changing decision, I can feel your determination through your words…. keep fighting, do not trust a word your partner says… I remained for over 2 decades and had lost myself, I didn’t have my own identity anymore, I couldn’t even make a decision as was too broken… fast forward well over a year… my abusive husband is nearly out of our lives (we have children)… run for the hills, keep asking for help wherever you need it and do keep posting, your strength is inspiring… you came on this site for help, what you didn’t realise was your post has helped me and I thank you for that… I had a family loss recently and my cup felt empty.. after reading your post, your strength and can do attitude sort of jolted me back to fight again… so thank you 😊
HFH ❤️

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Beautiful souls, women strong as a mountain and yet light as a feather. Do you know that once you hit bottom rock the only way is up?

Yes you do! Thats why you are here! Well i have great news and hope this will cheer someone up!

Im (detail removed by Moderator)nights free. Free of arguments, free of feeling in a box, free of walking on egg shells, free of finding whatever is there to be occupied, free of working non stop, free of being called all sorts of names, free of dirty looks, free to call my family, free of see my friends, free of nasty atitudes, free of being fretend, free of being cornered, free to do what i want and free of tha m. F. Piece of sh.

At last… and forever this time!

The last (detail removed by Moderator) days we’re actually more stressful and scary than having him in my house. I did not know whats coming, i was afraid.

First it was rage but only outside my house, knocking on my door (detail removed by Moderator)- how greatfull im for changing the lock! – i kept strong.

Than came the : i was wrong im sorry you had all the right to kick me out… – I literally cant care more of what he says, but at this stage i knew the rage has stoped and he will stop turning up (detail removed by Moderator) knocking on my door. – relieved!

Now on to my next chapter, whixh will be putting boundries around visitation so that we both know what to expect going forward…. Hopefully this will be enough to break the cycle for good.

My ladies THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart. I know my journey is not over but i have made a small step for my self but a giant leap for my future!

So please if you reading and feeling low and your day was hard and you on this site again please go and take a good look in the mirror because you are magnificent and you will get through this!

Salut my ladies!

[Better-days]

Your words r powering it’s making me think maybee just maybee I can do it. Please came letting us know how your doing. X

[Hereforhelp]

Icanbuymyselfflowers, ❤️ ❤️ this post,.thank you for the update 💪
Do keep us updated xx

[Footballfan1]

Well done, this is amazing.
A non-molestation order would be a good idea.
Should stop him from banging on your door which is harassment.
You can apply for free yourself, on gov.uk website.
If you qualify for legal aid, a solicitor can help you with the forms.
I will say that legal aid takes a long time to get processed.
Take care and keep posting xx

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Hello humble souls of womens aid.

I have a sad update…

Unfortunately, after (detail removed by Moderator) of him behaving him self, he kicked off. And i mean he (detail removed by Moderator) and attacked me.

His raged lasted (detail removed by Moderator) minutes before he realised the situation and left.

It was horrible, police were on the phone and came late.

(detail removed by Moderator) away from that now, i had social workers over and i am having my womens aid appointment next week. I asked the police to put an alarm at my home and while he is on bail i am looking to relocate.

So, reflecting to the first post, i have hopefully been through the most difficult part and will use this time to recover and start fresh elsewhere….

[Footballfan1]

Oh gosh I’m so sorry 😞
How are you coping?
This is truly horrific.
Please take care of yourself, do what you need to do to get through.
Be kind to yourself.
You poor thing xx

[Bettertimesahead]

The ncdv came help you get an urgent non molestation and occupation order. My ex was arrested at our house and they were so helpful

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Hello how is everyone? What were your feelings, stages you emotionally went through after gettIng out of the relationship?

I have dreams each nigh of him trying to break into my home. Just seeing his angry eyes and me thinking how do i keep the situation calm…..

We all stoped being on our tows every time we hear a bang or keep looking out the window every time someone passes. I am not locking up every door now and not feeling anxious going to sleep anymore….

However, i often feel annoyed, angry, raged inside me and same times vulnerable and emotional.

Im starting doing our best course from next week face to face in a group environment i think. Looking forward to it. Maybe having some people with same experience around me will help to debrief with someone. Feels like i have no one to talk to other then this online platform.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Icanbuymyselfflowers,

It’s lovely to hear from you.
The dreams are extremely common.
I believe it could be PTSD.
It is your brains way of processing what happened to you.

During the abuse, you go into fight or flight mode, survival.
Your brain blocks the trauma out to cope.

Once you are out of the abusive situation, or danger, your brain then makes you process what happened.
This can be in the form of dreams and flashbacks.
You get triggered easily from smells, places , hearing similar noises.

You will be in a cycle of emotions.

Numbness, shock, grief, anger, then you can go through the full cycle again and again numerous times.

Therapy can help process all this.
The NHS offer free talking therapy.

I found talking, and talking and talking some more helped.
Anyone close to me, I just carried on a loop.
I probably bored them to death saying the same things over and over, but it worked.

Also, going completely 0 contact with the abuser is a must.
You can’t move forward and process what happened to you until they are out of your life.

Do little bits for you each day.
Read a chapter of a book.
Take a relaxing bath.
Go for a walk.
Just 1 little thing just for you xx

[Blankcanvas]

Thinking of you xx
Hope you were able to get help from ncdv or another organisation to get a non mol.

Hope you’re ok

[Hereforhelp]

Hey how are you, i hope you are ok x I am so sorry he put you through that.. I really hope you get a non mol and can Start to feel safer xx

The cycle of abuse takes time and help to start to recover and I agree with Footballfan1, zero contact is the only way to start to heal if that’s possible.

HFH ❤️

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Hello my online lived experience friends. I thought i check in and read my first post seeing how ready steady go i felt at that stage.

I still think that those days calling the police etc was the bravest so far.

However, few weeks months past and after contacting me 4 times since what happened he has now stopped. Which is great.

Im thinking of whats next and relocating elsewhere, away from this place where it all happened.

However, council not really keen to do
Much as i am not homeless and acomadation is mine and im deemed as safe now.

Im truly thinking of going to refuge.but i feel selfish about it. As there are so many people waiting to be housed and i have a house but want to take someones elses place at shelter or refuge.

The main reasons are probably that refuge is closer to my workspace in other city far off from perpetrater and my child is starting secondary school this year so i think is a good time to relocate and having no luck in private secot due to ccjs he did on my name.

I have no energy to go and figh that off my credit report yet.

I been working and have not had time or i havve not allowed my self to dwell into my pain yet.

Im like nothing happened. Business as asusal. Thought im very resilient person i think going to refuge i feel like i will be able to slow down and rethink what is important and how to go forward. I want to go there for emotional support but i will also make my self kind of homeless by going there which i think is irational as i have a place to be and stay….

[Icanbuymyselfflowers]

Phew…. How to start? I want to shout out hello ladies its been a year and im out and free for good!

However, reading all my messages today from top to bottom. – what a clice? All my options i was exploring on how to leave.

I went and down them all. I tryed going to refuge but was turned away. Because i scored low or last accident was more than 3months ago….

Then became homeless as landlord asked me to leave and i finally moved far away. First it was emergency hostel accommodation but only for 2weeks and then private rent. Children relocated school and im doing great at same work…

So i should be right now jumping up and down the roof because i made it. I went and explored all my options and got trough it!!!

(detail removed by moderator) Because i got volnurable again and let him back in. Friends with benefits? – no! Ladies be firm and keep them shut out.

This has put me in risk again and therefore i was able to move swiftly.

So much happened in between, family wise etc. and you realise how lonely you are. And once you are away from your ex. The support network around you starts to vanish as your situation gets deemed as safe now. You are ok now. You have moved house now. You are far away. You will start frest. New beginnings… and the support or moreover the ‘how are things’ is reduced. And you want to just go with it and say yes all is good now!

But actually, you become lonely in a new environment. Alone. And there is one person who knows you and you know them. And this is confort.

Im so ashamed but my ex i allowed him to visit. Despite taking this long journey to start fresh. Something clicked and there he is back in your life

Being chaged men, knowing he did wrong. Wanting to be the right person and prioritising family life and structure.

But my love for him is gone, maybe i felt fretened of loosing him for good (detail removed by moderator) But actually this is what i always wished! For him to go and start a new family so i can have peice and closure.

God has answered my prayers. Im maybe sorry that she is going to have the man i wished him to be for our family. But also im sorry for her what if he isn’t?

Well my ladies this is my anual update! Celebration for sure. Sitting in my living room, with the fire pit burning. Relaxed not looking over my shoulder not scared or worried. Just relaxed, relevied and grateful for he has moved on and i have found my way out!

Fingers crossed this is it…

So if you are at the start of your journey or middle or thought you are over it now, please keep talking and sharing and keep your head up – all will come together at gods pace and will…

Salut my ladies!

[nbumblebee]

Wow just wow. Go you ❤️❤️❤️🤎
Thanks for sharing gives ua who are still here a little bit of hope x*x

[hellokitty]

Just wanted to comment, I’ve been mulling over going to refuge for a long time and came across this post. Loved seeing your updates and advise. Thank you and love to keep hearing! xx

[Author]

Posts