Please don't judge me

[Strube]

Why do I keep obsessing over his relationship with his girlfriend and comparing his life to mine? Everytime I do, I’m left feeling so bitter, resentful and unhappy.

I feel like he is living a charmed life – good job, pretty girlfriend (madly in love with him by all accounts), spends time with our children with no respect for routine or rules…he is Disney Dad…doing fun stuff, buying them expensive toys etc…doesn’t deal with any of the serious parenting responsibilities. He’s got it made! I feel like a loser in all of this.

I’m a single parent, raising OUR kids, both of which are emotionally testing (thanks to their father’s behaviour and my anxiety), I’m exhausted, working a part time job and running a small business from home to make ends meet. The kids like spending time with their dad because he keeps buying them expensive things (I suspect), but they tell me they hate me. They don’t seem to enjoy anything I arrange for them and to be perfectly honest, I feel like a cr*p mother. I often think they would be better off living with their dad.

My relationship with my partner is breaking down because I’m so emotionally detached. I’m surprised he’s stayed with me as long as he has! I have so much baggage.

After the terror, anguish and pain my ex caused me and our children, he has gone on to lead a perfect life – expensive cars and holidays etc. Where is the justice??? He has never shown true remorse…apologising only via his barrister!

To add more salt to my self-pitying wounds, I’ve started to question if I was always to blame and maybe he wasn’t abusive at all. His new relationship is a happy one and there are no signs of abuse, emotional or physical. It can’t still be the honeymoon period for them surely – they’ve been together over (detail removed by Moderator). Where did I go wrong?

My mother always told me I was difficult. I suppose I bring it all on myself. Like I go out of my way to be a victim. Was I imagining the way he treated me, or did I exaggerate it? He said I was very emotional – I can’t blame him for despising me so much.

Our children are unhappy with me, my relationship is falling apart, I no longer have contact with my mother, my extended family are ghosting me, and I don’t trust my friends.

I’ve had a few weeks of feeling relatively positive but today I feel like jacking everything in. I’m stuck in this vicious circle of self pity, guilt and hating myself for feeling this way.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Never blame yourself for the abuse, it was their choice to abuse us, as to his living happily with his new girl friend, who cares, he never treated u right and thats what matters, if hisnot abusing her he will be abusing her in another form that u not aware or def abusing some one else. I come from an extended family or should i say i lived in extended family when i was married, my ex abused me and his b****y brother who beat his wife she left him and he got remarried and he abused me instead finacially and emotionaly, yet he has a happy life with his second wife. These men dont change one way they do abuse in differnet ways. MAybe u eed counselling to deal with the trauma u experienced, i felt it helped me loads. Yes i still get days now im(detail removed by Moderator)out when i think why did he mess my life up and he himself is not bothered his life is destroyed , winds me up but im greatful everyday im away from him and safe. Focus on building your self esteem again and loving yourself, it helps so much. REcovery is long road but we will get there

[KIP.]

We would never judge. We’ve all been there. I used to fantasise about how happy him and his new partner would be. Truth is abusers are never happy. I’m sure to the outside world, you and him seemed happy. Then behind closed doors his mask slipped. Ring the helpline and try to find your local women’s aid. Your GP may offer councelling too. These feelings are natural. Recovery is a long process. A real roller coaster ride, ups and downs. Perhaps if he’s such a doting father, he can have them more often to allow you time to yourself and for your new relationship. Women’s aid recommend two years after leaving an abusive relationship before starting a new one. On a practical side. Cut him out your life as much as poss. If your kids start talking about him, change the subject. Limited or no contact with him, you don’t need to hear about what he’s upto.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Strube, try not to think that your ex & his GF have got it made. I know many a couple who look like a golden couple on the surface, but you really don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Myself & my ex looked like a golden couple in photos, all smiles,in reality he was a con man who scared me was using me & i was being taken advantage of.

[strawberryshortcake]

My abuser is by all accounts trying his best to make the rest of the world believe I’m STILL in a perfect relationship with him…..he/they can project whatever they like, is my point….doesn’t mean it’s true. I’m sorry but in my experience, once an abuser always an abuser. You’re better off out of there. Treat yourself to a nice cup of tea, a cake….anything distract yourself from his ridiculous projection of his ‘perfect’ relationship, he wants you to be feeling rotten….(detail removed by Moderator). At least you’re not his new victim. Don’t be hard on yourself, this is just a blip, be proud of yourself for getting out of that relationship, for being a strong mother, for role modelling to your kids. Be proud of your bravery.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

If it helps a friend of mine had her ex buying the experience gifts etc acting like was of the year. He would say to the child look what I get you i love you more than you mum.

Of course she feeding and clothing the child as well as keeping a roof over their heads.

Time went on he could see what was happening so he used him to get what he wanted.

In the end he refused to see him.

He is now an adult and I have never seen such a close mum and son.

So there is hope for that.

No one deserves to be abused.

Also looking in to a relationship you only see the positives. I bet people thought your relationship was good. I know people were shock when they started to find out some of the things he put me through.

Stay strong

FS xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Strube, I had another ex, he spent thousands on me on gifts, holidays clothes etc. Nothing was too much trouble, it was really OTT. From the outside it looked as though I had hit the jackpot. In reality he was abusive, possessive, hostile and hard work, I felt miserable with him and wished he would stop buying gifts and just be a good person. All that glitters isn’t gold. X*X

[Strube]

Thank you for your kind words. I was so afraid that I would be judged as selfish and jealous.

KIP: How did you stop yourself thinking about your abuser and his new girlfriend? Was it by going no contact? I had blocked him on all social media but for some stupid reason I looked on there the other day (after months of blocking). I thought I would see it plastered with pictures of him and our children, but there was no evidence of them! Just pics of his travels and girlfriend. It’s like our children don’t exist. I have made a pact with myself to not look on there again as it’s just too painful.

I’m in counselling and it has helped me so much already – but I’ve not yet dealt with these feelings about my abuser because I’ve never felt like this before. I feel that if I acknowledge this, it’s almost like I’m saying that I’m not over him? I don’t love him anymore, but surely he shouldn’t be taking up this much headspace so long after we split?

Healthyarchive:You’re right. Nobody knew what our relationship was like because we both kept his abuse hidden from our friends and family. At first I did it out of naivety (I didn’t know he was abusing me), towards the end it was out of shame…he was protecting his image as a wonderful partner and father and I was enabling him by keeping silent. Also, because I often stood up for myself, he would accuse me of being abusive.

There were lots of people who openly said to me that we seemed like the perfect couple. Some didn’t believe that he was abusing, my mother included. Even with knowing all this, I don’t trust the truth of abuse – it’s insidious. why do we still blame ourselves so long after leaving them?

“All that glitters is not gold” I must remember that. I find that with social media nowadays, it’s so much easier for our abusers to convince the world (and themselves I suppose) of their “perfect” life. I think I’m hoping for proof that he’s not as happy as he seems. I would really like to not let what he’s doing determine my happiness and sense of peace. I suppose this is something I will achieve over time.

Strawberry shortcake: How awful for you Strawberry. It’s crazy how many people believe their lies isn’t it?

I also believe an abuser doesn’t change, but I’m so conflicted after hearing the Judge and professionals involved in our case express their belief and praise that he is remorseful and a changed man. I often think I’m the crazy one for thinking he’ll never change, when all the professionals clearly disagree with me. I’m left feeling like I did when I was in a relationship with him – like I’m making it all up in my head.

Falling Skys: It helps to read of your friend’s experience. It must have been a very traumatic time for her. I hope that my children will one day understand how much I love them and have always wanted the best for them. I may not be able to buy them everything they want, but I will be there for all the little things – the things that seem un-important to their father. The things I hope will mean more to them than toys and gadgets. I have hope that they will grow into confident adults, undisturbed by that trauma of their early years and their unreliable father.

I’ve just got stay strong and believe that I am a good person, mother and partner.

Strube x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Strube, social media which includes Facebook, MSN, Instagram, all social media is the kiss of death when we are trying to manage our emotional wellbeing. The absolute kiss of death for us. There are too many possibilities for real pain for yourself. I 100% deleted & blocked him and every single member of his family, friends and associates. Anything short of that would be too devastating for me. I still have a full and active FB life but he or none of his have access to it. You did so well to stay off of FB for so long. Unfortunatly you broke No Contact when you went back onto it looking. The result was you saw something that really hurt you. I really like the short, easy to read book by HG Tudor NO Contact, its free to read on Amazon and it goes into great detail about No Contact consists of. It includes staying away from all social media that has links to him and looking at photos & old messages etc. I think aswell FB can give a false impression. I.E it looks like your living the life of riley when infact your lonely, miserable and wish it were different. X*X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Strube, my ex took up 99% of my headspace for the first 3 months, then that reduced to 75%, now he occupies 10% of my head space every day. Time sorts this out, plus posting on here & reading lots of abuse books. X*X (maybe also thinking about your own life and what you would really like to do, for you). X*X

[Author]

Posts