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Hi all, so i came a few weeks ago asking for advice about leaving an abusive relationship, i’m so grateful for this forum for the support. I finally managed to find somewhere to go and will be leaving soon. He is not aware of this. I must admit that i feel really nervous as I’m a bit clueless about what to do next. i have a few questions to ask. When do i tell the children’s schools? Do i need to leave him a note to say i’ve left? should i contact the police when i leave? should i apply for custody after i’ve left? Any helpful tips i should be aware of before i take this big step?
Thank you x
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Well done – get planning. Prescriptions health records passports bank details birth certificate pension ready to grab. Phone charged and charger. Favourite kids toy blanket clothes. Photos. Get as
Much info as you can make a safety plan . I told kids school one day before I left under strict instruction not to share and I trusted them as they knew how bad he was. Or you can tell them after if unsafe but before they go back in if they are safe to stay at the same school. I left a note saying the kids are with me and safe. Then I contacted a solicitor. I had support from IDVA social services and police. Call police if you are unsafe – leaving is a dangerous time. Do you have support? Reach out to women’s aid or a DA charity if you can – they will help you safety plan. Good luck – you can do this you won’t regret it xx -
thank you so much Watersprite. I had an IDVA who recently completed an assessment and am waiting for her to tell me the about the outcome. I’ll make a list and include the things you have mentioned above. I have contacted a solicitor as I want to make sure I have legal advice before I go. I will be contacting Women’s aid tomorrow so they can help me as well. I think with schools I will tell them on the day. really appreciate your advice xx
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Hi overcomer03
Thats excellent advice from Watersprite and second all that.
utility bills are often needed for proof of id purposes, so grab a couple of those. Make sure you have secure access to your own online stuff, that he can’t access it, or anything you leave behind.
Try not to overpack, there’s a lot of support for food and toiletries when you get there, if you’re going to refuge. If you have the time and its safe, then take everything precious to you, anything you wouldn’t want to lose, because he’ll possibly destroy it/throw it out.
Do you have the option of taking some things and storing them at friends or family? (under the auspices of having a good ol springclean).
Your IDVA should be able to help you with that safety plan, before during and after.
I’m sure you have it all covered, make sure you have enough spare money for an emergency fund, or access to funds of your own.
Just here really to loudly cheer you on for making this decision and send you all the strength and hugs for your new futures for you all.
warmest wishes
ts
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thank you Twisted Sister thats really helpful. I will be renting privately so am a bit anxious as its bare at the moment…
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Your IDVA will have links with local agencies who can help you too, or the council perhaps. There are often charities who will help you to set up with the basics to get you started, bed, sofa, table. Speak with her and ask about what help could be available to you. Look also for charities around the area that stock all the furniture, they may be able to help with discounts for you to set up, they might need a letter from the council or if you have benefits a letter to show them.
Keep strong, it will be worth it when you are in your new safe space, no matter how little you have. Even if you can just get some roll mats and sleeping bags. Good luck with everything, its a big deal but you are doing it and keep talking.
warmest wishes
ts
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It might be worth speaking to the LEA now, make a call from a friends phone away from your house so this has no way of being overheard, you can explain your situation to them and that you need emergency new admission to schools in the area. This will be their responsibility to source for your children.
If you at least start the process of enquiring about the schools in the area now, you will be more prepared once you land there; you don’t need to give specific details at this point, as its important to retain your anonymity until you actually move. At least you will be able to see what schools there are in the vicinity and make some enquiries about their suitability for your children. Be sure that he can’t gain any access to your phone though, or use another’s phone for this.
I believe that you need to have an address in the area before making the actual application, but you can check all this out by contacting the area’s LEA. (local education authority).
Well done you, and make sure you keep taking lots of five min breaks for yourself wherever you can, to just have some calm and peace from the pressures that you have going on rn.
warmest wishes
ts
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Just a little tip / warning for once you’ve moved! Avoid using a Facebook profile that he might recognise on Facebook marketplace. My ex managed to break the no-contact through something I posted for sale on there, even though he was blocked and I had my main profile settings all tightened to the max.
I left with just the clothes and emergency bag I could get in my car in ten minutes. Women’s aid helped me with some items I needed and I was able to apply for some grants to help with carpets and furniture that I needed through this website…
https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/Good luck. Stay safe and play your cards close to your chest – tell him nothing.
GR xx
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