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A few months ago I tried to end my relationship of a long time after a disagreement regarding the girl i was talking to. I told him that it was a partnership and not dictatorship. Anyway I got home from work and tried to end the relationship. He got mad smashed my kitchen cooker, coffee table, holes in wall. I was terrified and all in front of two kids under (age removed by moderator). I messaged my neighbour to call police which they did and he was arrested. Long story short after a week apart I let him home after begging, tears, breach of bail his family pressure etc. Now after much thought and constant bickering I am done. I have typed my email to him as he is abroad working. I say bickering but the reality is that I am constantly made to feel that I must make sure he is happy and every decision is his. He is not financially abusive and lavished me in gifts BUT will not tell me what’s in his account. The does not like me having friendships and can pick fault with every new friend I try to make. I walk on egg shells around him.. I am planning on asking him to leave but worry about the consequences..how he will react ie.. smash my house my windows the car etc. He has a very hot head when he starts. Tried to make me leave my job as “hours do not suit kids” em.. I’m just looking for some assurance that this is abuse that he is wrong as right now he is being very good. I am his first relationship and he says I’m the one etc. Sexually I have felt pressured as going ahead is easier than the fall out. I’m scared for the next step.
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Contact your local women’s aid for support and let the police know your plans. It would be best to end things while he’s abroad. Dump his belongings at his relative and change the locks. Report the breach of his bail conditions to the police if they still exist. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You are doing the right thing. He’s dangerous, especially when you try to leave the relationship. You are right to be scared. That’s how abuser trap us, through fear. As victims we minimise their behaviour which leaves us vulnerable. You really need to get out of this relationship for your own sake and that of your children. Don’t be alone with him. You have every right to refuse contact. Speak to a solicitor, most offer free initial advice. This man chooses to abuse you and you owe him nothing x
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Previously there has been glass smashing, door punching, storming out never giving me the chance to reply. I find myself constantly apologising even when I know categorically he is in the wrong. It’s just exhausting. He has said he cant promise not to hit me as if I cheated he would as he said. The police said it was the worst first time incident they had seen although he didnt actually touch me but the house was a mess. Is this his bad tempor or what I think?
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I’m afraid he will fly home.. as last time he came to my work, breached his bail and came to my house when I text him it’s over.. begged and pleaded etc but the bail conditions were that he could not come to my house but I could take kids to him mums. His mother walked in after the last outburst.. saw the glass etc but didnt bat an eye lid.. only concerned as to what the court outcome would be. He does no wrong in her eyes. I’m worried but I am very almost serious this time. Hes away (detail removed by moderator). Just so conflicted as when hes good hes good but the threat of his bad moods are always there.
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My ex (detail removed by moderator) too, even though I said not to, it’s all mind games. You need to contact your local women’s aid. Have you considered going into a refuge for a while where you can get support? Abuse always gets worse. Can you ring the police and speak to a domestic abuse officer? You need to alert them of the potential danger to you. You need lots of support on your side. Ring the helpline number on here. Abuser use the fear and guilt to keep us trapped. Start reaching out for help. You’ve been through it once before so you know what to expect. This time don’t allow contact. When he’s away it’s the perfect opportunity to act. To visit your local women’s aid. Get all the help in place that you can and this time ring 999. If he still has bail conditions ring 999 immediately he breaks them. You are scared because he uses the threat of violence to scare you. This is how abusers work x
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I have ordered the book and shall read. I think I am just done. Just done living to make him happy my kids seem a lot happier without him aroun. And I actually can cope on my own. I just hope to god when he reads this email he takes it well.. if not i can see him flying home early. But i shall be prepared as i shall speak to police. Thank u for listening and assuring me that this needs to end.
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Hi Onlyintime
Welcome to the forum.
Your partner does sound very abusive, he is controlling towards you and the extent to which he smashed up the house sounds extremely frightening.
As the other ladies have said, he knows exactly what he is doing this is so much more than a bad temper. It is really important that you speak to the helpline or your local domestic abuse service to do some safety planning so you know what to do in any situation that presents itself once you have sent the email. It is highly likely that you will need support from the police when he gets back in the country, do not be afraid to call 999 if he comes to your house or your work.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Hi again.. following on the whole tattoo.. hes done it and now my name is stuck on him. He is gutted I’m not jumping for joy. “Everythibg I do is wrong I cant get anything right I love u so much” I’m back tracking and I need to be strong. We are at “the conversation ” he just sounds so upset. I dont know what to say to him. Hes making me feel crazy that 16 calls a day is normal that I’m cold that I’m having doubts. I said am not over the house smash and he brushed it off with ” that again ” help me ladies
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I told him I dont feel safe around him. Hes so upset I buckled told him everything is fine. It’s not. Says he hates the tattoo now. At least he if off the phone. I think il speak to womens aid tomorrow and send the email. Am exhausted with all of this I was so close there but his emotions kill me inside
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