- This topic has 43 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I don’t know what to do. He had the children (detail removed by moderator) and agreed the bring them back on Christmas eve… He didn’t. He brought them home today and then emotionally drained me as he always does, twisting and manipulating me… Calling his family, telling them how I’m the one being a manipulator, shouting at me because I was crying as I had only just seen my children after a week telling me I was manipulating (detail removed by moderator) by crying and saying “I’ve missed you”. He was just plain evil. And then my children said they wanted their daddy when he was getting ready to leave so he took them and I was left crying my eyes out. He kept making out he didn’t want to take them but he won’t just leave them when they want him. But at the beginning of the day they were telling me they want to stay with me… By the end they want him because he shouts and me and tells me “you’re this and that and a mistake” and then the children end up saying they hate me! I pbreaks my heart. I don’t know what to do! Please can someone give me advice! We both have PR and so the police won’t do a thing. I don’t feel comfortable with him having them. (detail removed by moderator)
-
bambieyes,
That has been a horrible week for you. That’s what abusers do, they disregard what we want and use the children like pawns to upset us. He’s looking for a reaction. He’s glad you’re upset (how could you not be-his behaviour is despicable and leaving you without your children on Christmas day is the lowest of low).
However, will he be able to hold on to them long-term or how many days will he last taking care of the children? I could be wrong so please ring Women’s Aid for advice ) but if you don’t give him a reaction perhaps he will just bring your children back when he (or his family) get tired of caring for them. Abusers are lazy and never take on the hard slog of parenting, he wouldn’t be able to take the day to day slog. He’s doing this to upset you (and who wouldn’t be upset) but try to show him it hasn’t affected you. He needs you to cry , rage and get upset and create a drama out of it. Don’t give him any drama. The more you beg, plead and threaten to bring the children back the more he will hold unto them.
Have you any support as you wait for him to return with the children? I hope you’re not alone.
-
-
Hi Bambieyes,
Thank you for your post. I am sorry for your situation. Please try not to be too sad about what the children are saying as it is only because he is poisoning them against you. I am sure that they love you and that you are a lovely mother. These inappropriate contact arrangements are simply allowing him the opportunity to continue to abuse you and make you feel like a failure and this is your opportunity to take back power and control. I would ask him on the phone and via text and email which you can log to return your children as soon as possible. It would also be hugely beneficial to you if you can phone the police on 101 and tell them all about his abuse and the comments he makes, if you have evidence then even better. Ask them to help you return the kids and they may be able to. I would also suggest that you speak to social services about his behavior and your concerns, it is much better that you are on the front foot before he starts thinking about trying to manipulate outside organisations. You would also hugely benifit from having a proper child contact order in place so please get in touch with a good solicitor (your local Women’s Aid should be able to help recommend one) as soon as you can (I know its tricky this time of year) and make a proper child contact arrangement or if you do not feel comfortable with him having contact with the children you can think about checking with your solicitor or Rights of Women (www.row.org.uk) to see if you can deny him access to the children on the grounds that his contact is damaging to the children’s well being. Please try the helpline too, they will be open now but you may need to leave a message for them to call you back. Bambieyes, this is your time to take back control. You do not need to let him in your house and he is just using contact as another time to distress you. You are so much stronger than you think you are and you have the power to change this situation.
Good luck and keep posting to let us know how you are.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
-
-
-
-
Thank you all for your amazing support!! You are all amazing. I have since been in touch with the police on 101… They sent police round to do a welfare check and as the chn are safe they are unable to return them home to me. I’m gutted. I haven’t seen them for over a week and it’s killing me. He has spoken to me and told me “nice try with the police, but I have PR so they can’t take them from me!” I know of knew that, but part of me was hoping he’d give them up. Of course he won’t. The police are coming tomorrow to speak to me and I will show them all the contact he’s had with me and all the evidence they will need to form a case against him. I cannot do this anymore…. He’s horrible and I hate him for doing this to me and my children. Everytime I speak to my eldest child, he’s in the background telling them what to say… I can’t even speak to them without him controlling their words!! 🙁
Thank you again, everyone. I will keep you updated. Any more advice will be gratefully received. I have no idea about how to get court orders etc. Someone else mentioned a court injunction? Would that be something to consider? Xx
-
Hey hun, my ex took our daughter 3 days after I told him it was over. 14 days later (and a couple of ££££’s lighter) I had various court orders which said he had to return her to me and not take her again. I also got a non molestation order to prevent him from hassling me.
Obviously not the best time of year but get as much legal help as you can, either from WA or the police or National Domestic Violence Helpline (do they do legal) but expect as dirty fight. Good luck and keep postin xx
-
Hi, phone the helpline on here. Phone rights for women for free legal advice. The police can only do so much but keep everything for evidence. Secretly record his abuse whenever you can. On your mobile in your pocket or ring 101 when he kicks off and let them hear. The best advice is to get a legal enforceable order that the police can do something about and have no contact at all with him. Use a third party. Stay strong. Will he have to return to work soon? He can’t keep the kids forever. I know it’s hard but when he sees you desperately upset, it gives him fuel. Try hard to show him no emotion. He feeds off your trauma. Break down after he leaves or hangs up. The more he see you hurt, the more he will use that tactic X
-
I’ve been trying to phone WA for three days and there is no answer as lines are busy. Police have given me more numbers to try so I will call them. I need to get them home. I don’t trust him at all. He’s now threatening to change my eldest’s school and have them live wit him. Advice lines are either busy or closed. Solicitors are closed. I’m going crazy with worry!! I feel like I just have to sit and wait for everything to open again. 🙁 Xx
-
-
I have left a message. I’m waiting for someone tto call back. Hoping it’s soon! I can’t do this any more… 🙁 Xx
-
-
Hey Bambi, if you do one thing today make sure it is this: write down everything he’s said and done and when, particularly in relation to changing schools.
Keep as much info as possible and as accurate as possible.
This is all evidence that he’s using the kids to get at you. He can just up and change schools but believe me, the judge will Not look kindly on this at all.
Keep going hun and keep calling. We are all here for you xx
-
Thank you for your support, Eeyore!! Xx
-
-
Thank you, Eeyore! I’ve called so many numbers and no one can help. I don’t qualify for legal aid and I can’t afford a solicitor. How on earth do I go about getting these court things in place if I don’t have the money to do it?!! He has total control yet again, and he knows it!!
-
I know you say you can’t afford solicitor – do you have any family or friends you can call on? I had to raid the kids’ savings!
Don’t be too proud to ask – these are desperate circumstances and people will understand.
Stay strong, you’re doing great. When he’s around or you have any contact keep your chin high and walk tall. You can cry when the front door is closed. Do not let him get s whiff of your pain.
He will keep doing what he always does and karma will come and bite him.
-
Sorry, another thing, make sure you have made it expressly clear that you do not consent to him keeping the kids and you want them back asap.
Do they have school homework to do? Maths to practice, spelling to learn? They need to be back with you well before school goes back so they are rested and prepared. xx
-
He has told me he will bring them back in the 2nd to begin with. Now he is saying he is changing their school. I don’t know what to do. I have told him I want them back asap, and he is claiming he has never or will never keep them from me… And that he cannot trust me which is why he’s holding onto them. I’m sorry, but I have never gone out of the county with the children without him saying it is ok. Ever!! And never would for as long as he has. I’m in bits. How he can text me these things is beyond me – he’s doing exactly what his texts says he’s not doing?!?!
Xx
-
He has in fact taken them out if the county, despite me saying “don’t” and asking him to bring them back. I am completely lost now. I feel hopeless and like he’s won. He’s got them and that is it! 🙁 Xx
-
hi Bambi,
Ok so we know he’s doing this to put you through hell and back and he certainly is doing that. At the moment you can’t control him but you can get as much support for yourself as possible. Its crucial you don’t let him break you over this. Ring Women’s Aid and keep posting to us so you stay strong. He wants to weaken you. You have to keep your emotional strength up so you can beat him at this horrific game he is playing. And it is a game to him.
He’s taken them abroad, is that only on a holiday? As one of the other ladies says, will he have to go back to work after the New Year? Who will mind the children then. Stay calm and don’t panic. He wants you to lose it and panic which by the way would be normal considering what he is doing.
Words are easy to utter, he can fling the threats around that he is going to change their schools. He may not necessarily take the action, he just wants to cause you the utmost distress so that’s why he will say and do anything to cause you distress. Abusers are lazy, do you think he has the energy and commitment to take on the care of the children full time 24/7. Abusers like to be able to have a good life, they usually would not be unselfish enough to take on 2 toddlers under the age of 4 and what that entails. looking after 2 toddlers longterm is hard work and responsibility, is he really that unselfish and responsible. I don’t think so.
Please keep posting for support and as the other ladies say do not give him a reaction or for him to know how worried you are.
-
You must be so worried and scared but he has said he’ll bring them back so keep hold of that thought.
Was there anything in your circumstances of leaving him when the abuse impacted in the children? If so you may have grounds to keep them from him? If not then you’ll probably need a fair amount of legal input. Rights of women are said to be good and citizens advice can help. Also solicitors usually offer 30 mins free advice – book one and take a pen and paper as they’ll give loads of info to you.
When he brings the children home try to resist the temptation to rant and shout and to get them inside as fast as you can. Try to be calm and cold but positive about “time with daddy” in front of the children ask them if they had fun while he’s still there, it will really rattle him. He’ll want tears and you ranting and raving so don’t give him the pleasure!
Check children are ok – are they clean with clean clothes, any sunburn if they’ve been abroad to sunny place. Anything not quite right get health visitor or if needed GP to check them out.
You’ll want to find every thing out about their time with him – try not to grill them wait for them to talk and then ask a bit more about it then.
As for changing schools – he’ll be lucky! Most are seriously over subscribed and teachers may feel its not in children’s best interests so let school know when you take them back in after hols.
I think you can expect he’ll be struggling coping and it’s only been a week! Imagine him dealing with the washing the homework the tantrums the play dates and sleep overs on a full time basis as a single dad?
If you both have PR and there’s nothing social care or police have to stop him then he does have rights but so do you amd so do the children and it will need sorting out legally as it sounds as if he’s not going to do it informally.
I really can’t imagine how you feel – I hated the time my daughter was at her dads but that time was agreed between the three of us as she was older.
Try to sleep – you don’t want to be exhausted physically as well as emotionally when they come home x*x -
Bambieyes,
Just looking at ‘confusedmama’s’ post which may help you regarding changing the threats of your partner (threatening to change your children’s schools). She said she was looking at the council web-site which says that anyone with parental responsibility has to agree to the change.
Abusers think they are above the law, that they can do what they want. Well they can’t. He cannot change their school without your permission.
Whiterose gives valuable advice for this very difficult time for you. Get plenty of sleep/rest. Try not to be exhausted from the worry of all this. You have legal rights. Your permission is needed. Keep a clear head. Maintain your strength. He is not as powerful as he or you thinks.
-
Thank you all so much, ladies!! You are all so amazing. You are exactly what I need the morning after an awful sleep!
I do, however, feel a lot more clear on what I need to do. As soon as the solicitors open, I will be there. I need to get my babies back and that it my main priority. I no longer care about him or his feelings. He’s had no remorse and certainly hasn’t thought about my feelings in any of this. Pure evil!!
Thank you, thank you and thank you! Your support has been amazing. Xx
-
Hi HUn
Hope u managed to get soime support, not sure if it will help but to take the kids out of country both parents have to agree otherwise class as abudction, call the passport line and see where u stand , seek legal advice through various solicitors even if u get 30 min free advice, ask differnet solciitors different questions that u need answering
-
-
So, he has (detail removed by moderator). He has given me one (removed by moderator) slot per day to speak to my children. He will only give me supervised contact on the basis that he does not trust ME to return the children (yet I have never done anything like this to cause him to worry – I have from the start told him he sees them every weekend and once during the week when he moves near us and it doesn’t disturb school). He has at least given me my youngest back but wants full custody of our eldest – assuming our eldest can be controlled and our youngest can’t. He controls everything our eldest says on the phone in those (removed by moderator) I’ve got with her.
Solicitors are still not open. 24 hour ones are busy and I’m awaiting a call back. Social services and police can do nothing.
I’m at breaking point. Want want my child back home and safe and away from his manipulating, evil words.
I’m pretty sure she cries from fear of doing the wrong thing. Like I did. I lied to him to avoid being spoken to in such a way that I feel so bad about myself or what I’ve done. I cried everytime I did something wrong because he made me feel so horrid about myself. Turns out I never did anything wrong, but he made it out to be wrong. He made me feel so low and bad about myself I couldn’t see a way out. I constantly second guessed myself and never trusted myself. Now I’m not there with him, I just know he’s doing the same to her!! And it breaks my heart that no one can get her out of there!!!
What else can i do??? Please. I’ve said I’m going to get her but he threatened to not open the door and never let me see her again if I go. I’m falling apart here.
-
Oh my god what a horrible situation, sending you hugs as I am gobsmacked that he has done this. So you have contacted the police and social services and they have advised there is nothing they can do? You need to get a solicitors appointment on Tuesday if you can and get legal advice, as you are the child’s mother I am amazed he can dictate that you can only speak to her for (removed by moderator) and he can change schools without your permission, you really need to find out if he can do this as it sounds really dodgy to me, please keep us updated, will be thinking of you x*x
-
Unfortunately, he has the exact same rights as me… He can witholding contact if he wants to and legally there is nothing the police, SS or I can do. It’s awful!!
Thank you for your support cupofcoffee. Xx
-
-
Right, firstly let’s focus on the positive here, you have your youngest back which is fabulous news! This is because you fought him so well done!
The reason he will not let you have unsupervised contact is that he knows you’re fully within your rights to keep the children with you (as he is) and it terrifies him that his last element of control over you might be lost. Is he still saying he will bring her back on 2nd or has that changed? He will keep messing you about.
Serenity said on another thread that emotion is your enemy right now and that stands true here. Keep writing everything down – you will need to show it to solicitor.
You are doing great – focus on your youngest and try to be as ‘normal’ as possible.
Try to relax as much as you can until you’ve got legal advice as there’s nothing you can do. You will get your eldest back soon enough. Positive thinking xx
-
Thank you, Eeyore. You’ve been amazing. Honestly, your support in all of this has been fantastic. You really are keeping me firmly planted on the ground right now. Thank you!!
Yes, he obviously couldn’t cope with both, and so surrendered my baby! Thank goodness. All seems fine there, I have no concerns.
I am not very concerned about my eldest. I cannot get a true gage as to how she really is. He’s telling her what to say and the moment she starts saying she wants to come home he hangs up, and I’m no longer allowed to call. She even said she doesn’t want to go back there. I’ve told the police and social services that she has said this, and they will not budge!! It’s killing me. I know she’s emotionally drained and she’s holding on to the hope that I will come for her.
I am going to speak to her this evening and see what she says. I’m praying she’s strong and will be ok psychologically and emotionally.
Xx
-
-
Hi bambieyes. I know this may sound strange but can you text him and tell him you won’t be speaking to her tonight. I know this will go against every fibre of your being. i worry that he will use this opportunity to once again upset you and your child. Do,you think it might be better not to give him any contact at all. These abuser absolutely thrive on any contact with us. It’s so obvious he is using your child to control you. To retain what he thinks is the power over you. He will have to return your child at some point soon. Please consider taking a step back meantime. Any contact is toxic for us and gives him the fix that he craves. Even negative contact gives these abusers pleasure. It’s just a thought. Do you have family supporting you. Ask what they think?
-
If you decide to text him that you won’t be speaking to,your child. You could consider giving him a family members phone number and tell him that any contact from now on must be done through this third party. It takes away the emotion and he won’t be able to see the upset he causes. And it gives you back some control? Just an idea. I really do feel for you. I hope women’s aid get in touch with you soon. He has had his chance to be reasonable. Rights for women can help,you and you can represent yourself in court if it comes to it with help from agencies X
-
I am so pleased you got your youngest child back. You see it will be too much for him minding 2 small, energetic children. Remember he is selfish and lazy and wants an easy life. He will want you to take the full care and responsibility for the children while they are young. If they were pre-teens he may chance holding unto them thinking they can rear themselves. But your young children no way. All our abusers got us to do the hard slog of child -rearing.
You soon will have your other young child back. Not long now and he will cave from the pressure of her needs.
As the other ladies said try and act really hard to not give him a reaction. He wants you to be hurt, and upset. He would be delighted with your anger. The best reaction is a look of ‘boredom with his pathetic little antics’. Pretend indifference. This will get to him. He needs your emotions. Don’t give him any. Save your emotions for us on here. You have a right to be upset, and angry and fearful. Just don’t give him the satisfaction of those emotions.
He is a pathetic, immature man. Try and treat him as such.
-
hello. one thing i might consider doing is writing to (maybe email) the head teacher of your daughter’s school, stating that you think a request for a transfer might by made but that you do NOT give consent for your daughter to be removed from the register (school roll), should such a request be made, and that you intend for her to return to school as normal, (as she is settled at school and it is not in your daughter’s interests to disrupt her). I would follow this up with a phone call to discuss the situation with your child’s head and class teacher. i would write similarly to school admissions in the education dept at the local council(s) concerned and advise them similarly that you do not give consent for a transfer of your child from her current school, should such a request be made. and i would then follow this up with a phone call to the head of admissions. my local council takes about two weeks to process applications for transfer so i would get in touch asap. while she remains on her current school register her father is obliged to maintain her attendance at that school. i don’t know whether this can help. i hope you are okay and get to see a solicitor as soon as possible. xx
-
Thank you so much!! I will do all of what you have said immediately. Thank you!!! X
-
-
-
HI Hun
Just saw your post, inform the school what is happening , tell them she is been emotionally abused and to scarewd to speak up, some one from the school should be able to speak with her in private about how she is feeling, def make a request she is not to transfer schools, i think he might still be able to do, but if school are aware of your concerns they have to action it . All i can say is make police aware that she is been emotionally abused and if they could speak to her alone in private with u present maybe. Iknow its heaartbreakingm the emotional abuse, my ex did it to my eldest and said on one occassion he was keeping him and would not let him out of house, i had to call police, thye said it was my son choice, but i still requested if they could chat to him alone without his dad present as he would not speak up informt of his dad, luckily they brought him out and i told him he didnt have to stay, under pressure he still did but returned later, please get legal advice to about where u stand
-
Hi ladies,
An update… Everything is useless. Court system has failed her, police and social services have failed her, and I feel like I have failed her. The whole family are now withholding contact. I have good days with my youngest, and bad days when I don’t know what to do with myself. I miss my oldest so much!! It’s killing me. (Detail removed by moderator). I’m terrified both children will gat taken from both of us as the court will believe his lies that I’m an unfit mother and he’s abusive! Xx
-
HI HUn
Stay strong , i know this is a very difficult time for u, the pain is crusifying, try and get a support worker and see what support you can get, have u tried calling the help line to see if they can advise u further , please make sure your network of support is strong, ui would even call the nspcc, they are very good and giving advice.IN the mean time try sand read up on abuse, it helps u understand how their mind works, it will make u stronger to.I pray your daughter is returned to u soon
-
He is the aggressor in this. He is showing his true colours by not allowing you access to your child! He is the one who did not return your child. The court will not look kindly on him and see abusers all the time. Get in touch with your local women’s aid. They can give you support and advice. Ring rights for women for free advice. Don’t give up. Who is watching your little one when he is at work? Surely you can get her back when she is left with anyone else but a parent?
-
-
No change. I have contact every other weekend. It’s so hard.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
