Police and giving a statement

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Everyone,

(detail removed by moderator) had a phonecall from the Police (detail removed by moderator) after my case was referred to them from MARAC. I’m really scared that he will be arrested or something like that. They said I don’t need to make a statement if I don’t want to and I don’t think I am going to go any further with the police but I am terrified he will find out.

My emotions are as follows:
– Scared because if the police visit him or anything like that he will probably lose his mind or even worse try to hurt himself. There will be no telling what he would do if he decides to take revenge on me for betraying him like that.
– Guilty for bringing this upon him and his family. I imagine it would have serious implications for his job and any future jobs. I keep asking myself was it really that bad? I know it was at times but he never physically hurt me and I feel stupid for making such a big deal out of things.

Argh I’m a mess right now. Even if I didn’t give a statement could the police do anything? Do they need my permission?

[HunkyDory]

Hi Marmaladechamp when I involved the police for the first and last time it was frustrating but I was encouraged by their attitude.

I’d escaped from the house and driven to the local police station which was closed. Rang 101 they said someone would be out to talk to me. 45 mins later and still not seen anyone, I flagged a car down and they took me inside and interviewed me. I started to say what had happened a few days earlier in another country but that I did not want him arrested. The officer was quite clear, stopped me and said “if you tell me he’s done something tonight in this country we will have to go and arrest him”. So I didn’t tell them what had happened that night but they (2 of them) came to my house with me to reinforce the message he had to leave the next day (I stayed in a hotel for the night). It was awful he was crying etc but I had to stick to my guns. And he went. So I think if you explain to them you need them not to contact him they won’t unless you report an arrestable offence. I said I was worried as he’d said before he’d kill himself. The officer (who also told me 90% of their call outs were for dv sadly) said people who threaten to do it rarely do.

He’s not your problem now. Can you get a non mol order? You’ve bought nothing on him my love. He’s bought it all on himself. Please keep telling yourself that. It is not your fault. The fact you’ve come so far is testament to the fact he abused you. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t physical you felt threatened enough to get out – good for you. Please keep telling yourself you’re not to blame. If his family are upset, then that’s entirely down to his actions alone. You are innocent. Don’t worry, talk to the police if you’ve been referred and don’t be afraid to be clear with them about what you do and don’t want to happen. Good luck chik xx

[Yellowflower]

Can I ask you say you feel guilty do you think your partner feels guilt when his abusing you? My partner would say exactly the same things to me. He would say he would kill himself or he would have a mental breakdown. I can assure you neither of those things have happened. Infact the opposite his our every weekend! So please do not let him guilt trip you into thinking that he will do that because he won’t it’s just another way of controlling you. The police must believe in you and be taking this seriously to phone you. It is of course your choice but please remember you owe this man nothing. Don’t let him still control your thoughts. If he never is punished for what he has done he will continue to go through life treating people that way. Take back that control. Big hugs xx

[marmaladechamp]

Thank you both. I think it’s just been so difficult because I’ve been trying to keep myself really busy and go head first into setting a new routine but I’m starting to have these crushing moments when I have flashbacks and realisations what he has done or said.

Is it wrong of me to feel bad for him? He claimed from time to time that he did feel guilty after he’d say or threaten something horrible but how guilty can you really feel when you keep doing the same thing despite knowing how it affects someone you are supposed to love.

I’ve been putting some of the really difficult things to the back of my head but they are starting to come through and I’m freaking out. I dont know how to process and deal everything.

[HunkyDory]

No it’s not wrong. You think like that because you are an empathetic normal loving person. You care about him – you can’t just switch that off and feeling like that is normal. I feel bad for my husband too. I still care about him but have come to realise that everything that happened is down to him so I accept my feelings, acknowledge them and move on. Keep being busy and try not to dwell on these feelings. Try some guided meditation on relieving stress, I found that helped in acknowledging my feelings and flashbacks and letting them go. Keep going you’re doing great xx

[EbonyRaven]

You would not be ‘betraying’ him, not at all. They already know what he is like or they wouldn’t have contacted you, and it is obviously pretty bad if you are on MARAC.

Ultimately of course it is your choice to speak with them or not, however even if they didn’t prosecute, that statement will be on record under Clair’s Law to safeguard other women.

They can still arrest and charge him if he is suspected of a crime, and don’t have to have a statement or accusation from you, although that makes it easier for them to show proof if that were needed. It also helps the agencies to get restraining orders etc into place for you, and to safeguard you.

I remember feeling very similar, the guilt was crushing. With the support of the ladies here though I came to realise that he’d put himself in that position, and it wasn’t because of my actions. This is the same, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Lostmonkey]

I dealt with police and they were amazingly supportive and understanding – I was not in the right place before and am only just getting there but equally I was assured that they would never act without informing me. They will not suddenly act. All my going to see them was whilst he was at work and he had no idea.
They even offered to come to me.

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