Police…feeling confused & need advice

[InShock]

advice welcome… Police now called and wanting me to come in quickly to do an interview. They took so long and now, suddenly I feel very nervous and scared about this.

I feel so lost and nervous what it might mean for our child
I want to move on in my life in peace…

I’m very nervous that it might aggravate things if I go for the interview , for example they’d probably go ahead and arrest him… and I’m thinking of possible effects of that:

 

– would that put him off ever wanting any kind of relationship with our child, and when growing up would our child wonder about him? Would our child be upset with me about all this. I don’t want my child to blame me, as I only ever want what’s best & safest for my child.

– Or would it be a good thing, in order to quell any further scary behaviour of his towards me/us, in case child contact does end up happening? (None currently, nothing formally requested)

– Or would it aggravate him to then chase for contact just to get back at me and try to use it as a way to control our lives

– or would it make him even more threatening

 

I loved this man, I still don’t understand how he could treat the way he did , just when we were starting a family. I feel so lost and scared and alone

[EvenSerpentsShine]

My take on this would be that abusive people only respond to consequences.

They don’t care if they hurt us, or if they hurt our children or pets, they don’t care if they’ve brought us to a nervous breakdown or suicide or bankruptcy.
They only care about consequences. For themselves.
If you don’t go to the police (ie potential consequences) he will likely carry on as he has been, and be as nasty and vindictive as he can be.

if you do go to the police he may also do that, or he may realize there are some possible consequences and back off.

Theres no guarantee either way. But in my experience consequences are the only way to protect yourself and your child.

[InShock]

You nailed it, it’s like you managed to verbalise some of the thoughts that were somewhere in the back of my mind … ‘vindictive’ is  definitely an appropriate word to describe his character
you don’t know how valuable your message here has been, thank you. It’s given me some more strength

[InShock]

Culd I ask if you’ve dealt with anything similar somehow? Did you feel worried too

thanx for being so great here on this forum by the way

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi InShock! Yes I have just come out of a long term relationship. I don’t want to give too many specific details because I don’t want any risk of being identified. I’m still in the middle of it really. On good days I feel able to comment, and on bad days I just read the comments and feel very grateful that others understand what it’s like! I have been through a tough time, like most of us, and I think the anxiety and trauma of not knowing what they’re capable of is really the worst.
My take on it was to expect the worst. It means that everything has been very stressful, nights waking up worrying about this or that going wrong, or what if he does that etc. But on the good side I’ve felt like expecting the worst and standing up to that, preparing for it as best I can, in practical ways, and taking steps to block sabotage or negative actions on his part, has been good for me.

Dont want to speak too soon as it could all go to s**t at any time!
thanks for your lovely comments…appreciate it very much 💕

[bluebird28]

i feel similar too, i want to report him and feel he neds to be held accountable, and think my grown up kids will hate me for it even though he treated them c**p, So does it take a long time for the police to deal with this, if i report my husband does that mean i have time to find a place in the meantime?

[Marmalade]

Hi bluebird 28,

It’s impossible to say how long the police will take if you reported. You also can not control how they respond. You can ask for it just to lie on a file but the police can ignore that and proceed if they think he is a danger. If what you report is serious they could arrest him quickly. Alternatively, police could take no action at all. They could think the allegations are not serious enough, or more likely not enough evidence to proceed and so not even contact him. In short, there are a range of police responses and it’s impossible to say what would happen in your particular circumstances.

Ladies on this forum have had very different experiences with police. Some have felt v supported, others have had a dreadful time. It really depends on your local force and the level of training. If you are thinking of reporting it’s always worth thinking what you are trying to achieve and how you would cope with various scenarios. For example, consider how you would feel if the police took no further action after speaking to him, or if the matter went to court and you had to give evidence. Be prepared for any scenario.

Good luck with your decision.

[TiredMamaBoop]

Hi Inshock, I wish I had reported abuser to police. I called and left a note but didn’t push to make it formal as I was scared. Fast forward years later and issues with child contact and now I need proof of DV.

I understand you are scared but you might need this in the future. Sometimes abuse doesn’t just stop with us, it can continue with the children.

Abusers don’t have empathy. They should have consequences for their actions.

Wishing you the power to do what is right for you.

Same for you Bluebird. Maybe you can speak with the police and ask about timescales. The DV police team by me are really great. I wish I had taken their offers of support.

[InShock]

Thank you Tiredmamaboop

 

I have done it

 

i will update this thread with any  news/outcomes, if there is any interest

 

but they made me feel supported so far and have told me the most likely outcome which helped. I feel calm now about my decision but I still get shaken  now and then about everything, even overthinking about  things eg :  did I give a perfect accurate account of X, I don’t think I should have said Y happened because it was more like Z happened, questioning did I downplay the seriousness , etc… hey ho

[Lisa]

Hi InShock,

Thank you so much for sharing openly about how you’ve felt making this decision. I’m so glad that you felt supported when you did speak with the police.

As you’ve kindly offered to share any news, I just wanted to remind everyone that we can’t have details of any legal proceedings shared on the forum, this includes details of police investigations. The reason being that this can jeopardise the outcome.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

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