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Hey me again and yes you did read the title right positive. I am feeling positive maybe just for today but im grabbing it. Alot of it is thanks to all your advice i read it every day I really do and i may only feel positive because he is being nice but actually this time i know, I know its lart of the cycle, I know he can turn quicker than i can eat a bar of chocolate i know what comes next, this time i feel like Ive got the power cause i know now.
Ive done alot of soul searching and have decided im gonna fight to live a life I want to live, It would be nice if he would accept it and come along with me supporting me but if he cant then I will do it alone. Im starting off with myself.
Doing things for me to help clear my head to gain self esteme and confidence so that if he starts i have the confidence to not believe what he says to walk away if its bad.
Im gonna get tough. We are off for a weekend away the last one we had was just horrendous he was nasty really nasty, but this time Im going to enjoy it for me as a break for me.
But anxiety is a real b****r for me i worry about everything and anything. Today i sent a message to someone and theyve not responded so now i am panicing, have I said something wrong? Ive also agreed to go on my first night out in (detail removed by moderator) without him with some girls i dont really know well i dont have friends and really want to make some but now am worried i shouldnt go that they wont want me there i dont really chat much to them now if at all it was a group invite they wont want me there and i will have to put up with hubbys nastyness b4 and after and on and on my anxiety goes. My heart is beating so fast even now as i write this. Should I go?
How can i stop this anxiety? How do I find the courage to go? How can i stop worrying about absolutly everything i say to people?
Many Thanks yet again you incredable lot you. Xx -
Having an abuser in your life is causing these anxieties and while he is there, they are symptoms of his abuse.
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The anxiety and self doubt comes from years of having him chip away at your confidence. If ever you made a decision without him, did he put all the worse case scenarios to you so that you ended up fearing the decision you had made?
If your friends didn’t want you on their night out, they wouldn’t have issued a group invite. They’d have just organised it between them.
I only know you from your posts on the forum but from what I do know of you, I’m sure they’ll love having you there. They’re probably looking forward to seeing you. xx
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Your post has really chimed with me though.
I put a tentative invite on a group chat of my friends the other day. I was thinking that if and when I finally get my own house, I’d like to have a very belated party for a landmark birthday that I had when we were all in Tier 4 restrictions. I asked if anyone would be up for it. Out of (detail removed by moderator), no-one responded. The idea met with a deafening silence.
I’ve now totally lost my confidence. I’ve been holding onto these friends. Now I think that I’m just a nuisance and an embarrassment to them. It’s a knock back that I could have done without whilst I’m homeless with no financial security at all.
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I can relate. There is a feeling of power when you know what to expect from an abuser and the “how could he do this to me” turns into “well of course he would do this to me.” I like what you said about how he can turn quicker than you can eat a bar of chocolate. It’s so true! My ex can go from saying & doing the most vile things to being jolly and polite and acting like nothing happened hours later. Now I know even niceness is just part of his abuse cycle.
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Have woken up this morning not as positive worried about the weekend away ahead away but i still feel strong. Knkwledge is power and whilst I cant admit cant use the abuse word I just wont I know what he does and says is wrong and i know the pattern the cycle and im now more prepared for it that gives me a hidden strength I never had before. But the anxiety can be crippling at times I just worry constantly and then i will message and message and ask again and again and do peoples head in or I go silent and just sit in a corner too scared to speak.
I dont like me and it surprises me when people are nice and like me as i cant see what they see does that make sense? I want to fight be brave and find a way through this I desperatly do but this feeling this anxiety is holding me back. -
NBumblebee, sending hugs and love to you, we have your back. My mind and thoughts are dragging me down, take care and be kind to yourself xx
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@kitkat44 Hope you are ok? Tough this isnt it xx
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@kitkat44 bless your heart thinking of you.
Thd weekend has been nice hes been really attentive but last night and this morning as we go home i can see him slowly starting to turn back. You see the signs now dont you? But i ha e to hang on to the positives this weekend has been nice I love spending time with my oldest lad which is why we came away ive been on edge as we always are but its been nice. Hard when they are nice though makes you doubt even more x -
I’m so glad you’ve been able to enjoy some of it. You are Absolutely right once you know and can see it’s kind of a relief but also hard to understand it’s the same person. And totally get how much it conflicts with us when they are ‘nice’ (I read somewhere on here about realising that us also part of the cycle)
Sending love and thinking of you too xx
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Hey lovely, your making so much progress be proud of yourself.
You don’t need to label it, you can call it anything you like!
I would really recommend this book ‘You can heal your life’ By Louise Hay. It’s basically about loving the self, there are exercises you can do and lots of great affirmations. It really helped build myself up for leaving, it helped me love myself. She says to start with this affirmation, say it 100’s of times a day at first!
“I love and approve of myself’
(probably the opposite of what you partner has been trying to drill into you)
Especially when things are too much and I am tried, I just say this to myself. But i literally would repeat it again and again whenever I could. I think I really do love and approve of myself. now!
I think affirmations get to the subconscious and really can built us up within.
Hope the weekend is ok! try to enjoy even the small moments if you can x*x-
Just wanted to jump on and thank you for recommending this book @eyesopening. I saw you mention it on another post and bought it on Audible. I’ve been reading about The Secret and law of Attraction and the power of our beliefs and listening to Louise Hay has been really helpful too.
Xx -
Glad you liked it @Kitkat44 🙂
I saw it recommended here also.
x*x -
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Hi nbumblebee,
Glad to read your weekend went well for you even though you were anxious about it. I can see his ‘niceness’ is going to get you doubting things again though…
I love my analogies, so here’s another one 🙂
Would you spend a couple of thousand pounds to go on holiday abroad knowing that in the 14 days you are there you will only get one sunny day where you can go to the beach but the remaining 13 days it will rain and you will have to stay in the hotel?
Would you spend the rest of your life unhappy and depressed knowing that one weekend every four months will be bearable?
Don’t let this weekend cloud your judgement and undo all the progress you’ve been making. Abusers do have good days too, but they’re still abusers in the main.
xx
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I love this @wantstohelp! So true x
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@wantstohelp My goodness its like you can see me lol yep Im so full of self doubt today after a calm weekend. I needed this Thank you as always Thank you xx
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@wantstohelp @eyesopening @kitkat44 and anyone else listening I wanted to add something.
We were driving and listening to radio 2 and a lady was talking about domestic abuse and she was describing her husband my husband all of our husbands it was incredable to hear someone else talking about my life he was also listening and just looked over at me and smiled. I said my goodness she is descrbing you and he just smiled and laughed but looked guilty he actually looked guilty, im wondering if thats why i had a nice weekend no pressure not much nastyness a few comments about what i looked like but nothing major and no pushing me to have sex!!
Not sure what to make of it??-
Wow, what a moment that sounds.
I remember my ex looking like an innocent child sometimes, it was always so confusing. I think he was trying to bring out my maternal, caring instinct, to make me feel love towards him. It worked.
Your partner probably knows what he is doing, maybe he realised that you now know and he should act guilty or innocent. To make it seem like he cares.
Because he wants you to stay with him. He doesn’t want you to figure him out and leave.It’s so hard figuring them out, I don’t think we ever will and it can make you go insane trying. I always remember before I left my ex said a couple of mornings that he woke up and had dreamt I had left him and was not talking to him. He was sad and acting innocent like a child. It made me freeze and feel guilty and regretful because he was being the man I loved at the moment.
x*x
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Its a total mind mess isnt it.
Im feeling stronger i think but I am still so full of self doubt when he is nice I seem to start to believe and actually think im getting somewhere in all this and then bang he hits me by being the man i thought id married.
J hate living like this i really do its just all so crazy making. Ive really got to hang on to what I know what i really know right?. X -
It is completely crazy making yes. However all it proves when an abuser is nice is that they know very well how to treat us properly and cab control their rages and horrible comments when it suits them. In fact they are always in control, and choose to abuse us and treat us terribly.
That he can be nice sometimes (when it suits him aim, which is to keep you from seeing the truth of his nature) is proof of his abuse.
Stay strong Nbumblebee 💪
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@Hawthorn Thank you for this. What you have said really does make sense its like why cant he be like this all the time? I dont expect a perfect marriage ive never expected that just one where he respects supports and encourages me to be the best i can be but is that too much to ask for?
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Hmmmm…
Are you sure it wasn’t a look of “oh s**t, she’s on to me, she now knows,” so he’s had to rein himself in to lull you in to that false sense of the honeymoon period for a little while?
Good to read you haven’t had the pressure of sex this weekend too, I bet that was a relief 🙂
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I can relate to your anxiety completely. The cycle of being nice and then things turning bad again doesn’t help. I have that. It makes me question myself and whether it’s my fault because of how I’m behaving or something I haven’t done right. I know it’s not but it doesn’t stop me questioning myself and that has affected my confidence in other parts of my life like friends and work.
It’s hard when you have been in a relationship for a long time and there have been good times as well as the bad to accept that the behaviour is abuse. I understand that.
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I was looking back on my diary, it took me two years once I had first considered my ex to be abusive to get out. But during those two years I was always back and forth with ‘is he abusive?’ and ‘Should I leave’.
And since leaving it hasn’t stopped, I still question if he was abusive. I don’t think that confusion will ever go away right now.
But the cycle of abuse is so ingrained in us, it doesn’t just go away like that.
But what I do know, is that I am better off out and away from him.
That’s what I focus on.
x*x -
Thank you for this I often feel pressure I think thats whats stopped me from believing and admitting its abusive because surely if i know its abuse i should just get up and get out right?
But only we know thats not true. After a life time of abuse id be lost on my own id break i couldnt cope. And id never leave my kids ever.
I need to get myself better to find strength self esteme trust myself and like myself before i can even begin to think about leaving.
@eyesopening I needed to hear this that someone else took a while after admitting to themselves that its abuse so thank you so so much.
I have no idea at all what how where when i go from here but Im keeping my eyes open now.
Sending you hugs x -
Hey Lovely,
Hope your ok,
Always keep those eyes open 😉 Especially when he is being ‘nice’, after a while I saw through the niceness and even in those nice moments, there were still put downs, still some tactic but its more overshadowed by everything else.We are all different and have different journeys, but for me, realization wasn’t like a switch, I wish it was. Its so much more blurry, confusing, crazy making and deeply painful.
I think it was more of a combination of building trust in myself and becoming more independent combined with journaling and researching abuse that helped onlong the journey, just what you are doing.
This isn’t a small thing any of us are doing, it’s a massive huge fight we are going through, we are fighting to get control back of our lives. We are fighting clever, cunning and ruthless men.
x*x
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Thank you. Am ok i now have covid myself so xmas has been cancelled and i am gutted.
Im trying to stay positive i of course dont have it as bad as he does 🙄 and am expected to clean cook etc whilst he lays in bed but he wont break me i am determined to still give my kids a xmas of sorts. Gotta stat strong gotta keep on fighting right?
Sending you hugs and thanks xxxx -
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Hi nbumblebee , aw you’ve come so far I’m really glad, start as you mean to go on, I also listen to Louise hay (like some of the other ladies) metaphysics and mind power are what get me through things and it will take some time for you to see yourself as we see you cos you’ve been trained to see and feel about yourself in a certain way, but what we see in you is the true you and we’ve no motives to say these things, keep up the self work nbumblebee your getting there 💛💜💛
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Yeah i think i will get this book Thank you.
Its tough to hang on hes getting over covid and ive been there for him 24/7 i now have covid and feel rough but am expected to just carry on it was ok for him to spend a week in bed but not me who else is gonna make tea and cook 🙄
So am struggling to hang on to my new found fire but I will Im sure.
Thank you as always for your words of support not sure what i ever did to deserve everyone support and kindness but i am so very grateful x -
Sorry to hear you’re feeling poorly. Abusers see illness as a sign of weakness in us and a vulnerability and will definitely increase their abuse. Try to prioritise yourself at every opportunity. Abuse and trauma physically weaken our immune system, it’s important you make space for your recovery. Even if you have to feign a more drastic illness. You have joint pain and can’t get out of bed etc. Do what you can to catch a break here x
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Yeah ive already had him telling me ive ruined xmas for catching it OFF HIM as now we cant have friends and family round he even said i caught it from work gave it to him first then caught it myself. Make sense of that 🙄
I already feel full of guilt for the kids as xmas will be pants now with this hanging over us but I will give it all i got to make it slecial for them no matter how rough i feel.
Currently feel like a rhino has jumped on my chest and am exhausted but wont let it beat me.
He has never helped in the house or with kids so i dont expect him to help now will do just what i always have and get on with it for the kids.
Thank you for you kind words sending hugs x
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